Why? Escape? Yeah? / Mouth...SEALED IN TIGHT

When I was younger I wondered why people would actually want to kill them selves I'm beginning to see more and more why people would actually want to do it. I feel like I have no escape what do I do? I want someone to talk to the people I want/try to talk either hate me, ignore me, or get angry with me. Today I broke....AGAIN. It's gotten to the point where if someone asked me have you thought of hurting yourself I would respond with "yes". I just want someone to listen which I know sounds selfish considering I know those around me have problems. I don't want to cause more problems and I might just posting this. Worse thing is my negative thoughts on myself are right. I bank every worry no matter how small till I panic. Pathetic, Lazy, Child. I want escape I want to jump.

Animal Rights / Maths

I sit here feeling like nothing will ever happen to me I get rejected by everyone over and over again. While everyone I know has at least something. I can't even move half the time I just stare thinking about all the things I'm missing in life. I think over and over till something is paid or done I worry I'm being a shit friend to everyone in my life. I go home excited to see my family and they tear me down wherever possible confirming my own negative thoughts. I look around and my mind tells me "why even look it doesn't matter". I over do things as I don't want to be seen as lazy. When I'm alone tears run no matter what the occasion. I wish I had something even if it was fucked up. I'm doing it again playing the victim useless to everyone when I'm like this. I wish I had friends *sigh*...

Gravitational Constant / Lost Mataban

Constantly worried of disappointing people. Am anxious towards everything I sit in most rooms and panic no matter where I am only exception is when I'm alone which is just me crying constantly. I wake up stressed over daily tasks and whether I can do them properly. I wish I had friends I feel out of place all the time most of my close friends are ignoring me and I'm not anxious about I can see that it's fact and why because I defend other friends...

People say don't worry about all coming from people who have multiple groups of friends. People say don't compare when others do it when explaining something in most cases to me. I wonder if things will change I'm trying and stressing over money is another thing I must be the most childish individual I know. I try to get help I see a doctor and he just wouldn't listen to a word I say nor did he even feign to care like most people. I often wonder if I'm used as a tool for others and once I'm used I get thrown away its been this way my whole life with friends. I'd love a friend to stay by my side that wants to stand by my side for once. I don't feel I can be honest with people as they will run away I try not to be overbearing which can happen at times I can admit. I feel trapped, hollow and abandoned. Feel like I'm a burden on everyone and everything. I kinda like the false friend pretense at least I can pretend to be happy. I'm researching other close doctors clinics and youth services for help as I hate myself... I hate the way I'm thinking at the moment I want it to change. I'm looking for help I just wish I had someone to talk to apart from what feels like paid help.

Abandoned - Kamelot - One Cold Winters Night

 

Issues / The Hymn Of A Broken Man

Can't be happy have to find something wrong. Try to talk to others doesn't matter who am I fooling I haven't got a soul. I moved for a fresh start but who knew it doesn't work that way. I'm never hungry so I force myself food or I use food as an escape that I can't even afford. Nothing but a fucking child that should have been put down talking won't help I'll just spiral till I hit that crash point. Friends I wish I could have one the ones I have are either completely leaving Victoria and I'm in love with and have been for years because I'm a fucking fool. The other who I treat as a mother because I'm a baby. Others are few and I find frustrating at times. I'm poor I cry myself to sleep each night nothing has changed. I try to keep busy when I'm free but most of the time I just pass out to wake up and keep hating myself more and more each day. Some days I think of just running onto a highway just to end it all I've felt this way for months and months or drive into a pole. I feel I should be honest but I know if I do people may just walk away or I'll be beaten up. Career a Joke. Love pfft don't stupid that won't happen to you look at you..you fat fucking emotional mess. Money nothing but me crawling and begging like I do with life. I get things handed to me as I am a lazy fucking piece of dirt. I deserve to be alone why talk to me I'm a fuck. People yell I pick myself up well I think I do then come to a conclusion that I'm handfed. I get false compliments all the time. I use excuses to pass the day by till it blows up , I feel like everything I do is never good enough or wrong and I look back and know everything I have ever done is sort of a mistake. My Life is a mistake. I cry curled up in a ball tissues everywhere with snot and tears. Feeling selfish knowing others have problems and I just dump on them emotionally and with organisation. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! Sorry to those who know me and put up with me ill just work and stay below the radar. I guess I could go home listen to family fight while me and my brother pretend we can't hear drown it out with our music.

By Way Of Choice / Raw Dog

I live with discomfort at times trying to be sympathetic to others interests and loves one thing that has always made me uncomfortable with the odd rare occasion is animals I like them but am specific. It sounds weird I know but I guess I'm the same with people as well. I may sound like a heartless person but I would have kept driving if I stopped for every animal I saw and felt for every animal or person I saw I would have a breakdown. If I say that I'm a terrible person even though I'm just being honest. I feel for things because others do which at times is a huge problem for me. I maybe should have waited I don't know. I could rage and say blah blah I didn't want this in the first place but I won't because if I was smart I would have defined it more clearly. I don't know however I could have handled it I still don't think I would have got it right. There's things I want to say that I feel are the truth but they are to hurtful and cause too much problems and will be thrown back at me. I essentially have blood on my hands of course I don't feel good maybe I should have waited. I'm not good with animals I admit but it doesn't mean I hate them I do like animals its weird but most make me uncomfortable always have. Very few exceptions. I'll admit I have trouble making decisions sometimes maybe this was the wrong one...of course from an animal lovers point of view it is... this post paints me in a bad light I'll admit but its a weird situation to explain...well from my perspective anyway. I don't want to think about what I've done I'll cry again... I unwilling entered a situation that I can't talk about because no matter which way I explain it I'm the terrible person. Go for a quick drive to K-Mart then cook tea hopefully it will take my mind off of things...

Kill Rock'N'Roll - System Of A Down - Hypnotize

A Special Sympathy

I feel alone I want someone to curl up to. People say being physical isn't everything to me its a goal a mile away. I missed so much stewing on things. Friends are becoming a foreign concept. All to busy I waste a night off being my awkward in the way self. I feel like the special kid where when I'm not looking people are like "awww look at him go". I wish I had something secure in my life...

The fucked thing is I'm a hypocrite I crave sympathy yet hate it aswell and if people say it like it is I'll get fucked up. I'm going to passout.

Plastic Spider Thingy / Blue Rats (Blue Cheese Mix)

I roll around in a empty house having fun watching things I haven't had a chance to watch due to discomfort in the past I laugh turn to my left to realize I'm by myself. I want just someone to hang out with which I know is hard considering I'm free a lot of the time in times when people are busy even at night just someone I could talk to...sure I have facebook and a housemate that I see a little of the day which is fine she lives her own life and I live mine and I sure as hell don't expect her to hang out with me all the time because that's ridiculous. I want to meet new people its one of the reasons I moved to a new place I just don't know how with everything in my life I've had everything handed to me one way or the other whether it be help emotionally, administratively, or whatever else (not so much financially though I think). I've kind of cut myself off from talking again because I don't want to use people especially my friends as emotional crutches anymore I did it for a while I'd rather keep to myself than be a bother to everyone else in my life. I feel bad for my family especially for my brother aunty dying, direct reconnection, dealing with 2 small siblings as well. There's not a lot I can do except listen every now and again. As I said earlier I'm trying to do things for myself which is going quite well I'm still quite forgetful with things but I'm trying and I hope others see that I'm doing my best. I get teary about things every now and again but am doing my best to be strong. I kinda feel life at the moment is sorta slipping into place I just wouldn't mind someone to hold and enjoy these positive feelings with me I'm in talks with someone at the moment but whether it all happens is another question its one to talk but to act is a different story. I hope all the pieces complete my puzzle shortly I feel like I'm just missing two things friends and a special someone.

Raise Me Up / Its Oh So Quiet...

A little tense and upset in a week I found out a secret idol of mine died....along with finding out an aunty has died yesterday. I lay quiet most of the day trying to wrap my head around events I saw a memorial at work on TV and must admit I teared up a little. A little bored with things but busy at the same time. I have friends with heavy things on all their minds I want to be there for all of them I really do but I can't. But I do have something sort of positive going on so that's good trying not to build it up to much because I'll set myself up for a fall and I've had too many of those this year already ill try not to dwell on things too much and stop rumination.

In-Ah! / Pulled Underat 2000 Metres A Second

I'm currently in a new place, had a severe breakdown. I'm still so scared...I don't know who to talk to the person I usually talk to is overwhelmed and with good reason I know I can be overbearing especially in my current state. All I want is help and the scary thing is that the only person that can do anything to help is myself its confronting. I currently am stressed all the time with unpacking, finances, lack of lovelife, pressure of my image, family problems, lack of social life, daily tasks, previous house, uphold good housemate image. I feel I have no one to talk to I'm scared that if I say anything people will blast me and say that's not even a big deal essentially telling me to fuck off or they calm me down then confirm my anxiety was correct. I'm supposed to relax I haven't had a second to even think about it some nights on long drives by myself I start to cry knowing what ever I do it doesn't matter I know life will kick me again for something I've tried my best at. I ruminate, I compare, I try to be happy, I smile in the hopes I'll feel better about my life. I smile when a friend talks about sex when really my mind is telling me �...you won't get sex look at you, your pathetic, unattractive, a pushover, too nice�. It sounds fucked up but the things that calm me down and fuck me are the one and the same. All I want is someone to have fun with take care of and treat well. My thoughts entail me being a waste... I play up these feelings then someone picks up on it tells me its true due to my behavior and I end up back at the start of the cycle. If I tell my close friends my problems they calm me down then tell me my thoughts are true later. I act like a baby, I cry like a baby. Someone will respond to this post saying something that will most likely I will ignore or I say I acknowledge then do nothing about because I'm a lazy shit. People say no one thinks this negatively about me...most of this comes from those who rarely hang out with me one on one. All this is asking for attention. Three days ago I heard an external case similar in some aspects to my own problems from a friends perspective which made me feel worse knowing I'm doing the same. I wish I had some friends out here I do like this place though. People talk about friends like they are objects sometimes I feel like telling them what's being said but I bite my tongue and listen to the shit. I'm doing my best to help everyone I can. I wish I could talk to someone but I know I can't. I'm trying to be the best me still feel 5%. I wish I could stop crying. I don't like using this as an excuse but I do passively. I want to have fun but don't have the time, nor the friends....what would I do anyway I'm nothing but a bore and a selfish one at that. I ask questions wanting to know things then get left feeling like an idiot for asking. But I'm a hypocrite because I do the same. It sucks I know the cold hard truth is everything is my fault(well mostly). I'm still scared from my assault and it sucks because little to nobody cares about the event not even a peep from my own family people still think it's all my fault and I deserved it. Worried about new medication will I get more fucked than ever I don't want people to think I'm a lazy piece of shit like most do already. I'm trying quite hard I don't think anyone cares... to be honest I'm yet to see proof that anyone really gives a shit I just feel like a burden a duty that gets passed around in turns. I haven't stopped I collapse most nights into bed wake up have breakfast then head off to do something I need to get done. I'm complaining about life and I'm aware life is life maybe I just need to talk... I don't know. I guess I need to grow up I can be really immature. I'll cry, sleep and carry on in silence like I have increasingly for months in fear. To people who put up with this emotional train wreck I'm sorry I'll pack up my shit and get going. Now I'm just attacking my friends I'm a great guy :/......

Experiment of the Ear / TBA

I have so much to discuss but I feel the aspect of audio will spice up how to express myself plus it won't be boring though it may be abrasive and chop shopped at times I feel it's a different way to express myself... Stay tuned...

Waters Of Nazareth / Breakdown

Was assaulted in my own home, watched a friend get a abused by her family, moving in a few days, waiting for money. I can't sleep at home worried someone may break in and beat me up. So sleep is broken if I get in any... People convince me to start packing start moving stuff over open something see its a jacket of someone's that I have a thing for and burst into tears. If I tell people I'm scared I don't know if they'll understand...someone mentioned that someone snuck in early this morning as well puts me on edge.

Scared - Three Days Grace - Three Days Grace(Self-Titled)

Fear / Be Quiet And Drive

I sit in my room shaking in fear that someone staying in my house may kick the shit out of me I don't know what to do I've tried everything now I'm scared in my room.

Deconstruction / Good Teeth On A Bum

I'm a selfish, attention seeking whore... I feel like I can't talk to anyone and because of this I snap I've spent the last 5 hours staring at my wall. Maybe 30 minutes of sleep in there aswell. I'm responsible for myself and I'm just a waste of space all this is asking for attention I know... and I don't deserve a second. It's a great feeling when a professional psychologists mouth drops at stuff I say like literally had no idea... I cry...waiting for an answer that I know I have to reach. I'll just lay on bed staring into darkness. I don't know why I can't talk... I guess I don't feel comfortable and am scared people may accidentally hurt me without realizing it I don't know... I don't know much.

Burn It Down - Alter Bridge - One Day Remains

 

Digeridoo / Nanou 2

Today all I've felt is hate for myself and been left hated by some aswell. I feel alone, empty, tired, and insanely busy. I feel like I buy happiness and I always have with music, events or food. As I need to fill that void of being alone. I look at myself in the mirror(want to punch the mirror) then I go to bed. Only thing good about today is that I danced the night away....

ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][Σj∈C{i}Fji[n − 1] + Fexti[[n−1]] - Aphex Twin - Windowlicker EP

 

Dont even....

I just want a hug.... I....

Life Burns! / Colony Collapse

Today I was shit from get go, I sleep in miss classes tear up at least 8 times today before anything even went down... now I'm balling my eyes out in the dark alone... can't even shower tomorrow it looks like.... Can't even stand up for myself I'm fucking pathetic or stick up for those who stick up for me... FUCK these tears and heavy breathing. Probably fail uni again. Looks like mum's partner has left her as well. I have no money and need it. I hate being a mess. I hate that I starve myself. I am an ugly fuck who can't enjoy a life that really has no problems. Can life give me a break. Head throbbing. Someone I love tries to contact me and i can't respond. Because I don't know... I have no idea why some waste their time on me. Dizzy... may just pass out like last night... Can't even type everything's a blur. I have to push on though I have so much to do. So dizzy, eyes crying with tears.

Of Mice & Little Green Men / Cromartie

I feel blank staring into space sending texts organizing centrelink stuff with my parents. I know my problems all a double edged sword that I can't talk about its too personal and awkward sending me in circles. I'm excited about future prospects and know they will be stressful times the next few weeks... Uni starts back up will be strange. I try not to talk to others as they have their own problems and mine aren't real problems...crying is down I will admit I'm crying as I write this. the stuff I get sad over are stupid but it doesn't stop me getting caught up.

Hymn Of A Broken Man - Times Of Grace - The Hymn Of A Broken Man

Ziltoid The Omniscient / Cooling

.......Fuck talking... sleep now I could discuss things but collapse now while humming this in my sleep :)

Supercrush! - The Devin Townsend Project - Addicted

Chop Phuey / Crutch Field Tongs

Today was eh apart from The Dillinger Escape Plan being OMG best thing ever I've seen live up there with Slipknot so much energy. Oh and hanging with my bro was fun. But does anyone else just stare into space waiting for time to pass I do most days. At night I cry like tonight I walk into my room tired from the night driving and concert and such close the door and start crying then pull myself together and just float around on the net just staring at the screen not paying attention better than staring at a wall. I feel inadequate like nothing I do is good enough I'm dizzy but can't pass out or sleep its a great feel.

Panasonic Youth - The Dillinger Escape Plan - Miss Machine

 

Sometimes I Feel Like / World Won't Stop

Why am I alone I know I've been told before what my issues are and putting this up doesn't help me play the victim any less. Why do others with bigger problems such as cheaters who do it over and over get away with things, people who are crazy, or vindictive, or whatever. While me willing to give a girl the world, have fun, and be supportive gets nothing... I once asked a honest friend if they didn't know me walked into a party/club and saw me would you give me a chance or look the other way in all honesty they said no I would not give you a chance. I can't lie it hurts to know that looks make up for so much. Tonight I was tense and couldn't move with tears just sitting in my eyes ready at the slightest dig at me to just burst into tears I'll even admit to going to my room to let out some tears I'm pathetic I write this now with tears in my eyes. I worry and think I'm boring. I wish I had stories to tell but I don't all I have is other peoples stories to tell. Am I wasting my life?...everyone I've ever known has something to tell I can't think of a thing. I can tell of stories of friends betraying me over the years I have a lot of those all I do is give my all to a friendship I thought once I left school primary and secondary it would just end but I guess that's me being blind and naive. Today a friend tried to talk to me but I don't know I don't want to rely on her or bring down her great mood that's not fair. Again sex is an issue its hard to describe to those who aren't in my position I know some people who I won't name because they like to play up that they aren't virgins which is fine that's their choice I go the honest way which at times is literally a kick in the knee. The best way to describe it is that in this world I feel like there's a secret club that everyone knows and talks about openly and I'm not allowed to join. I'm fucking stupid. People read this for comedy I'm a joke. I should just stay in my room I just drag others down annoy them with my anxiety and push it on others that's all this blog does as well. All I do is ramble on. I cry for hours.. straighten face for others... look at myself in the mirror just want to smash my reflection.

21st Century (Digital Boy) - Bad Religion - Stranger Than Fiction