An Epic Of Time Wasted / Room A Thousand Years Wide

I lay in bed dizzy with a headache fucking up something I became fixated on feel kind of stupid since I told everyone not that it's a big deal to make that kind of mistake but I'm being harsh on myself. I don't want to tell people I fucked up its just embarrassing just another thing i can't do right another joke people can make fun of like everything else being a virgin, being shit at video games, being shit at life... I know I'm a joke... I'm scared to talk I'm afraid of being laughed at. I get excited over stupid small stuff because I'm boring and a loser any story I tell is just depressing. What makes it worse is to cover up my insecurities I made a joke about it which I perpetuate because I'm an idiot. I complain about being scared of talking when I generate these situations.  I hate sex I look at girls see their breasts then a voice inside will say "haha you'll never touch anyone's because your essentially shit". The fact I wrote that I'm a dirty perv, societies trash I can't even talk about even a fraction of my problems there not all sex related I just don't know why people bother because people probably just pity me when really I'm just a fuck. I have nothing but bought happiness and having no money goes to show that it's true. I suppose I should cry then nap to ridiculous points wake up and stay up all night yeah? I feel like a waste. I guess I have no confidence how the fuck do people get it I don't even have the strength to fake it...

Nothing Could Come Between Us - Theory Of A Deadman - Self-Titled

Juular / Your Bore

Saw a friend today there's till some tension but its all coming from me and the incident a few weeks back had tea watched an amazing film. Only thing shit about tonight was the feeling of being left out I know it wasn't intentional but it brings me down at times. Everyone is talking about sex, sex, sex.... stories and so on and I just have nothing to give all the stories I have are boring and I know it I have nothing crazy to tell even stories at my club just aren't that interesting. I'm boring do I have to go out clubbing pop a pill to spice my stories up, go out hooning, get a girl drunk and fuck her, be reckless and irresponsible to be interesting. I used to think I was at least funny now I just don't know I feel like I don't know what I should say especially in front of new people I don't want to come off as a sleaze so I make no sexual jokes at all so I seem censored...when I'm censored I don't seem right I seem uncomfortable. People tell me being single is alright use it to find yourself... WTF does that even mean. Being a virgin is a burden it makes you feel left out all the time within my age group as its all everybody ever talks about especially in Geelong if I say anything people will treat me like I'm disabled which I sort of want in a way I'm twisted and hypocritical or I'll get immature people saying "I'll hook you up...wanna get your fuck on yeah?". I don't wanna sit at home and feel sorry for myself it seems easier right now all I do is sleep. My phone is whisper quiet my Facebook is quiet I get contacted when people want something I guess I'm boring, a wet blanket. Everything I say here is fucked either wanting pity or something cos I know I'm just a selfish prick I try my my best not to be. I guess as corny as it sounds it stems from problems I have with my father leaving my mother being a jerk and so on and me wanting to not be that guy and so on. I could say I have things going on in my life but that's just me being an attention seeking fuck I have nothing I lay in bed let anxiety and depression consume me like the past few days sleep wake up 5 hours later start the day proper at some fucked up hour I have to be up in a few hours I sit here reattempting dating sites like some pathetic loser waiting for my "No, we can be friends" response which means hell no. I run around in circles in my head. I'll have fun with my paid happiness tomorrow like I always do then come home to my boring home and tell boring stories while people feign interest to be polite or I'll retell stories like I do. I'm nothing but a bore....the "friend"....the nice guy that finishes last... the nobody... the number.

The Mighty Masturbator - The Devin Townsend Project - Deconstruction

Screw up

I lay in bed trying to sleep not that it's Big deal since I have napped all day :/. Uni starts up soon and ill do what I always do screw up thats all my life is ... Family fucked up... Uni fucked up.... Love life fucked up... Career fucked up... Friends fucked up.... Finances fucked up. It's something I should get used to I guess.

Lonely Day / *sigh*

Today has been shit I tried to leave the house everyone is busy or away or with people I don't completely feel comfortable around. I don't really want to see anyone anyway I feel like an embarrassment alone, boring, pathetic. It's days like these I know people will never look at me how can I be alone for over 21 years.... or have never even experienced anything. I do nothing but moan annoy people I care about with my stupid problems tonight I bought a pizza laid on the couch watching TV in silence with my housemates. I over analyze things. Feel like I'm being kicked by life all I do is try and help people have fun and I can't even do that maybe I should just try and adapt to living life in the future in a flat by myself eating baked beans, laying on the couch watching terrible TV and cheesy action films passing time doing mundane housework cause I can't even do others things I have no drive for even that.... Ruminating in circles because I'm lazy and stupid others have bigger problems and I sulk like a fuck, sweaty and smelly in my room staring at the wall for extended periods of time. I suppose I should do dishes that aren't mine as well.

Lonely Day - System Of  A Down - Hypnotize

Selfish

Is all I am asking for pity cos I'm a miserable crying fuck all I have to look forward to is monday and concerts. I'm a rude selfish person waste of space all I do is complain world throws more problems at me. Fucking shit.

Shins collapsed

Crying..... Alone.... No friends people say dont worry they are being stupid. Talk to family can't even do that not that I did. I'll just lay here in silence its all I'm good at.

Family Snapshot / Ruiner

Early start, dragging shift...get told someone saw something of mine at home and took care of it :/..... get told there has been ongoing family issues for awhile.... get told I'm being offensive and should apologize..... stacks of things to do at home. All this family stuff chucked on me at once is shit I know my family is still great but there seems to be so much under the surface. Another group of friends fighting I'm not involved this time but it just sucks. Things seem like my world is crumbling right now and I'm left watching destruction, and everything along with everything I'm dealing with I guess I'm overwhelmed with shit. All I want to do is a fun day with friends just for a break but it won't happen no one can even be in the same room... People are fighting, breaking apart... While I sit speechless not knowing what to do but stare at a screen watching awkward comedies... thinking about my selfish and inappropriate ways all for my dry humor that some don't understand. Anything I do is the wrong decision, I have no motivation, everything is uncertain. I'm confused and isolated I just... well that's what I am "just...".

Timelessness - Fear Factory - Obsolete

 

Come Together / Epitaph

Yesterday I was able to hang out with someone I've been tense around for some time without awkwardness it felt sorta like what it used to be YES! I've been waiting for this amazing feeling to come back for a while. I still have feelings for them but its not as strong and I'm coping quite well with acknowledging that fact.

I miss my friends I know they can be childish at times but yeah... I really do miss them probably talking to myself... nothing seems the same. I have things to do around the house but all I feel I should be is social at the moment but instead I lay in my room staring at a wall feeling alone and a waste I have no one. Everything I write is just wanting justification and seeking attention don't mind me I'm not important. I sound like a fuckhead probably because I am. I want to get out meet people, relax, talk, have fun, watch films with friends, have a date, be normal. But I can't. People will read this and will slap me and I deserve every thing that happens.

Stargasm - Mastodon - The Hunter

 

Neon Lights / Haze / Like Spinning Plates

Head spinning, nose running, out of breath, & thirsty that's how I feel right now...its amazing. Tired me go sleep now....

Where The Wild Roses Grow - Kamelot - Poetry For The Poisoned

(Can't find Original :'( by "Nick Cave feat. Kylie Minogue")

Decide In The Eyes / Sick On Sunday

I'm sick, I'm tired and I'm stressed over everything piling up on me and I'm relying on others which isn't cool all over simple house stuff gah... I'm a mess constantly seeking help, approval, validation I feel like a leach on society at times. Feel abandoned by some which makes me feel all alone the other night I had someone over I never would just because I wanted company...:/. Now that's kind of sad.

I compare myself I get jealous feel like a bad bitter person who deserves nothing hence feeling like a leach on society. I hope I can sleep tonight i really do. I feel like I've done nothing but push people and be selfish towards my friends. Financially I'm worried which sucks someone is offering to help I may take it but I really don't want to I feel bad enough treating her like a ledge to lean on. I procrastinate by doing nothing that doesn't even fulfill me or even entertain me, I want to contact friends but don't want to deal with the drama or worry what they think of me for hanging with someone right now with everything its all a bit much I feel like I'm broken breaking down over what seems like house chores.

This Fire Burns - Killswitch Engage - As Daylight Dies (Special Edition)

Sleep damnit

Wide awake at 6am staring at ceiling trying to sleep guess it's my fault for accidently having a 4 hour nap then having tea at 1am :/... At least I got most of centrelink done I guess

Analogue Bubblebath 1 / Alone, I Play

Hmmmm... I have things to do. Last few days I feel like I rely on one person. I just sit at home alone while people are out just waiting for people to return hearing news of movies on and such and me with no plans at all just me and paperwork and feeling self conscious. I wish I could be friends and not being known as an associate in most peoples eyes sure I'm close friends with them but why am I being punished its so childish. Feels like 7 months ago all over again talk, talk then silence. I feel like crying I'm being strong right now on some level I'm being so selfish about things I know I just.... I don't know I try not to think of things in certain ways because it makes me worse but sometimes it's difficult I'm in high spirits well sometimes it's harder than others to stay feeling positive especially when you know there's very few to talk to or if you do will they tell everyone what you said all just a cycle I guess I'm afraid more than ever to talk about things. Feel a little embarrassed so I'll remain silent no one seems to want to hear from me unless I'm in pain. Hate feeling like myself is the only one I can talk to (I'm not crazy I swear :/)

The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies - Faith No More - King For A Day. Fool For A Lifetime

 

Street Carp / Three for Flinching (Revenge of the Porno Clowns)

Last few days I've been strangely just constantly exhausted I type this with eyes half dead. I'm currently in a difficult position where 3 of my closest friends are in an all out brawl (well a mudslinging match all one sided) but it seems it. I feel a tad responsible to be honest even though it's not my fault in a way considering it was my event, my guidelines, my fault for not being able to stand up for myself too. I thank my friend for standing up for me I really do. Its hard to explain all of the situation without writing all of it and everything I'm not discussing the dynamics of our social group or naming names those involved know. I write things here and those who read this I trust mostly not to post publicly. As for the business "oh everyone knows about your depression & anxiety problems" hmmmm I suppose that gives you the right to start a huge public statement about me having it and start a huge discussion. I don't intend to use this post to drag up this business again I am aware that sounds very hypocritical of me and I guess I and others I know can be at times as well. This has just continued based on dominance & insecurities in my opinion some don't want situations to change from what I can tell some in my opinion are never destined to get along in my opinion as well.

I also recently have begun a new form of communication with some one who I'm afraid to reply too and I don't know why. I have so much to do at the moment and have no drive to do most of it I will get around to doing them one task at a time that's how I'm going to do things again. I lay thinking lusting for closeness thinking I'm awkward like if a girl turned around to me and said lets go sort of thing I think I'd freeze... everything I say is talk and I do a stupid comparisons saying she's no blah blah...gah someone I can't even reply with a simple voice message I wish I could handle my lack of love life better without getting sad. Why am I tired all the time... Am I crazy for feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Hanging with friends are awkward with everything happening especially everything being so close I just want to reset everyone's memories... I know I can't and stuff.

Setting Fire To Sleeping Giants - The Dillinger Escape Plan - Miss Machine

Asu no Yoichi / Fall into Sleep

I could go on for pages about my life and situation right now I may tomorrow not sure I'm just too wrecked and tired atm.

Total Mass Retain (Single Version) - Yes - Close To The Edge(Remaster)

Sucrose / Possums & Crickets

Tonight was rough at work 10 bucks parties and what do we have to show for it less profit than last week and me saying in my head "Told You So...". Anyway...going to crash out for a few hours then hit up my sisters 1st birthday party (FREE FOOD you say? lol) nah all jokes aside I can't wait to catch up.

4th Grade Dropout - The Dillinger Escape Plan - Calculating Infinity

A Reminder / Burn It Down

Gah sometimes I let myself go thinking of things that just suck. Why can't I be happy with how things are, at my dark points I just think I'm an ugly person who will never find anyone its all a shallow game. I won't lie when I ask people honestly at a club would you give me a second look at a club/party I get the same response "No, but your awesome and will find someone....." *sigh* can't say that doesn't hurt. I have nothing romantic at all happening in my life just finance, social crap, & work shit sometimes I feel like just crawling into a corner hiding under blankets till everything goes away. I hate love it makes me stupid, awkward, sad, angry at myself, and much more its fucked GO AWAY!, GO AWAY!, GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!!

Tired, busy everywhere wishing the world could stop just for a breather.

Get Off Get Out - Anathema - We're Here Because We're Here

 

The Middle / We Stand Up / "Bill's House"

"For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals, then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination, we learned to talk" - Steven Hawking / David Gilmour

This week has been amazing till I hit some terrible lows at the end of the week. I feel some uncertainty towards people at the moment. Below is how I feel at times.

There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now
I can't seem to speak now
My words won't come out right
I feel like I'm drowning
I'm feeling weak now
But I can't show my weakness
I sometimes wonder
Where do we go from here

(Lyrics Above, Song Below)

Keep Talking - Pink Floyd - The Division Bell

 

14-02-12 = 0 / ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][Σj∈C{i}Fji[n − 1] + Fexti[[n−1]]

Today is Valentines Day gah... I could be all emotional like I have some years but instead I'm going to try and have fun with my friends because that sounds fun and enjoyable some have other approaches like being all sad about but this year I want to have some fun why should I be brought down on such a stupid hallmark holiday so whoever reads this lets have some fun today because fuck society... I am poor though but that won't stop me from having fun I can watch movies, play video games, go for a drive, go for a walk there is stuff to do. I know some have had some hard times on this day and I know my circumstances aren't the same in terms of experience but some years I've sat at home alone felt like I'm nothing, lower than dirt, feeling inadequate. But I'm going to try and not do that this year.

Rock Candy - Genghis Tron - Cloak Of Love

 

Grace / Luna

Tonight I had a hard time dealing with myself floating around to the point where I was alone crying on my bed it was going to come out sooner or later tears were building. I was just running around using distractions which I think helped I cried till I slept, woke up and headed to work.

Where I find out a friend has been in hospital yesterday due to a weak heart yet insists on working. But I see a friend who has been overseas for 2 months so that was awesome. Sometimes I love work I just love the staff and dancers always having a smile and hating on customers bringing us together as some awesome family supporting one another getting through the night.

I suppose alot of my problems are based alot around my negative thinking which most people will look at this and go...."well obviously" *eyes roll*. But I guess I'm just going to try to ignore the negative thoughts I have...like I do already just going to try a bit harder. I guess I look at life like its a obstacle course this is just a small bump like a tight rope with a net it's hard to get across I fall down but I must get up and try again the sense of accomplishment after I pass this will be amazing. I'm confident I can get passed this it will be hard... It has been hard.

I have to thank 2 special people for putting up with me, one being a close friend the other my housemate I know I can be difficult and a little fucked.

Tomoz road trip to mystic lands....then I dont know...can't wait for wednesday night picnic will be great and chilled.

Moonchild / Given To Destroyers

Gah, I hate anger I got carried away with the previous post said some stupid things I'm such a fuck sometimes I just wish I could talk and not be scared instead I do something stupid and act like a child to the person I said was acting like a child when I was behaving no better....