A friend would be nice or someone to talk to. Why be honest... Why be vulnerable... Why try with people. Me isn't wanted by people don't mind the fake me but that's just it. The ones that know like the novelty or probably use it to make themselves feel like better people to themselves. People avoid me even after a night of shenanigans. I feel alienated but let's be honest no one else cares but myself which some would say that's all that matters. I just wouldn't mind if anyone would just ask if I'm OK...
I know I have flaws... Maybe at times I'm overbearing, or a bit of a doormat, or I try to satisfy everyone which never works. My friends over the years have become my family not for any reason or anything towards my actual family who I love in my own way. I love them some have disagreements, hate each other, have screwed one another over, don't know each other, some are just different.
I'm not writing this for any reason other than letting friends know I think about them.
This post along with every other post is scattered. Most nights I worry the world will crumble around me and my mediocre life will get worse. I feel I hold a secret so close to me and at the same time I feel like I'm going to drop it. I search for acceptance and normality all the time. Maybe that's too much... Maybe I'll never have that... I want a friend that's like a bro, I want a friend that's like a sister... A group
I want happy times in the sun surrounded by laughs or times spent enjoying movies on the couch. And maybe I don't have that now but hopefully in the future I can.
I always have a billion things running through my head anxieties, thoughts, curiosities, stresses, fears, and feelings. I don't intend or mean to make close friends my psychologists though I can at times I do it which I apologise for.
I wrote a whole thing here and it just disappeared. Oh well. I'll summarise. Me not being around lately has nothing to do with your identity. It's because of a few things. It's mostly because I took a step back and realised that every time I see you, I feel like shit afterwards for about three days. I thought about why that was and came up with this: I feel like we only talk about people and negative things. When I hang out with you, you tell me all of this negative gossip that I just don't want to be involved in. I also still have a lot of trouble trusting you. I will never get past being assaulted and in hospital, and having you on the phone to our mutual friends telling them everything without my consent in the next room. This behaviour is why I'm not around right now. The same gossip badly damaged things with Corrine, and did more damage to a whole lot of people than you even know. You nearly ended someone's career, and I can't even explain this in detail to you because I don't actually trust you with the information. Now you're hanging around someone who played me for a good time, and you're still gossiping like crazy about everyone's lives. I just don't want to know, and I certainly don't want my personal business being dragged into the lives of people I've walked away from either. It's not good for anyone. This also makes me extremely uncomfortable, when you talk for hours about negative aspects of your personal life, and I don't want to share mine with you because whenever I have, my trust has been broken. It means I start feeling uncomfortable, but I don't know when a polite time to leave is, so I just get frustrated and stressed. I don't think it's healthy to willingly spend time around people that make you hurt. Beyond that I don't really feel like we have anything in common. I talk TV and music with you, and you tear down my tastes. It's not enjoyable. I liked going to movies with you, but I don't want to do that any more, because now it comes with seeing people that I'd rather not.
ReplyDeleteYou say that you have nothing to do so often. That's not anyone else's responsibility. Go out and do something with your life, and don't think you're doing it because nobody else cares. Nobody else ever is going to get your degree or a job or a passion for something in your life, because that's not how life works, for anyone. Everyone needs to be their own cheerleader, it's their responsibility to themselves. The world owes you nothing.
If you're having trouble due to mental health reasons (I don't know this, I'm just speculating and could be wrong), realise that it's also your responsibility to seek treatment for that. It's not up to anyone else, nor is it fair, for you to struggle and expect one of us to keep booking appointments for you and exhausting ourselves doing all the work to help you heal. It also doesn't work that way. Change needs to come from you if you're not well, and that starts with taking responsibility for how you're feeling and actually doing something about it.
It's nothing to do with the fake or real you. From my experience, being your friend is hearing all of your woes and all of your anger, not actually going out and living life and doing new things, being caught up in gossip I didn't want, and then having my business spread all around when it's my turn to confide in you.
Right now I'm very happy. I don't want that to change, and I think spending a lot of time with you will put me in a bad place again. I hope you can be happy too, but you need to take a good look at yourself and make some big changes if you really want to be happy. Perhaps down the track I will spend time with you again.