Most days I have things on my mind, 70% of those days aswell I'll go into myself scared to talk due to fear of what people will think of me. I get scared when I talk I become this emotional mess. People I talk to are probably nodding... or tearing me down for making assumptions... or going he's playing the victim. These thought patterns eat me alive. I go in circles, worried to death what friends think of me not sure if I've offended them or bugging them...or if they want me around. This, plus future thoughts be it love or a career...my appearance. I often walk around wondering if I'm a common subject of humour. Anxiety is a cunt I wish I could handle it better sometimes.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Saturday, 22 June 2013
No Lingerie / Distance Floating / Pig Man
Wish I could help answer all my work crews questions unfortunately I can't but I can give them examples of my experiences in dealing with management and previous changes and how they worked out. We'll make it through together we all support each other like a family things are dark but we are stronger than that and will make it through.
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Monday, 17 June 2013
Life at Sunnydale High / Scratched Your Corolla...
Sometimes I dream of wondering down old suburban streets in Melbourne because it's quieter and prettier than dealing with my life even when I try to avoid everything. Be it a 10 page message from someone I hadn't spoken to in nearly 2 years, to my current social life that I feel crumbles away each day, to people dying and friends crying, to learning of rumours spread about yourself where you least suspect.
Music and tv has been an escape whether it be the left wing views of Carrie Brownstein to absurd lyrics from kanye west over far out acid house music. Call it rumination, call it playing the victim people are probably right I'm probably trash. While I wallow in self pity.
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Tendon / Super-Collider
Wish I wasn't down about things right now wish I could forget feelings immediately and move on right away. I wish things were that simple. I wish my heart would stop beating at this pace.
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
Christmas Deodorant / Charlie Jumps High
Had a strange day filled with darkness, mess, new connections, unexpected reconnections, & pain. I'm getting better I think I'm probably wrong. I must remember my first rule a relationship only works if both want it. I love my friends especially all my girlfriends... such great people all smart, strong, and beautiful.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Zucchini Milk / No Movie / Chicago Fat
I keep falling too hard it's a problem then play victim. I'm too embarrassed to hang out with anyone to ashamed of my behavior. I block a friend on Facebook. As the thought makes me cry at the moment he's probably attacking me right now. I cry all day trying to compose myself eventually get up to get food as my head hurts. This week terrifies me a birthday of an old friend waiting for phone calls of abuse from people who don't understand like a funeral a few months ago. I try to be the mature one in everything I try. My anxiety got to me last night and I flew off the handle fuck I'm an idiot. Lack of activity in life recently is bringing me down I'd hang with friends but I don't think it's a good idea. All I want is a hug that's all I've wanted in my life and someone to share good times...but I guess that's hard to find. I want my heart to stop pounding I want it fixed. Ehh I'll still I'm pathetic.
Saturday, 1 June 2013
Having Heart is a liability / Fred'n'Carrie
Just going to crawl up into bed hide my shame, embarrassment, my heart... I'm a fool
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