Sometimes I dream of wondering down old suburban streets in Melbourne because it's quieter and prettier than dealing with my life even when I try to avoid everything. Be it a 10 page message from someone I hadn't spoken to in nearly 2 years, to my current social life that I feel crumbles away each day, to people dying and friends crying, to learning of rumours spread about yourself where you least suspect.
Music and tv has been an escape whether it be the left wing views of Carrie Brownstein to absurd lyrics from kanye west over far out acid house music. Call it rumination, call it playing the victim people are probably right I'm probably trash. While I wallow in self pity.
You are your own worst enemy. No idea who has supposedly spread rumours this time, but I can tell you that about 90% of the gossip that gets to me is directly through you, and it's one thing I'm really sick of. On top of that, I talk to near-strangers that know you well and they know all of my deepest secrets before I even tell them, and a lot of the time I'm told things that I shouldn't and don't want to know about others I don't know well enough by you as well. I was at a party a few weeks back and this happened and someone I'd met about 3 times knew everything I'd ever told you, more or less.
ReplyDeleteYour social life is going to shit because you cling to nasty people that are not worth your time because of fear of rejection, and because it's hard to trust you when it's clear that anything said to you in confidence is fair game, particularly if you fall for someone and you feel like divulging secrets you shouldn't because you have "feelings" and you trust them. It's not yours to share. It's hard to bond without trust. You had one big secret about your life recently and I still haven't told a souls because you asked me not to mention it, and I will continue not to mention it, even though I'm fed up with feeling like I'm being paid lip service in terms of how you act around others when I'm not around and how many people you actually tell things to that I've told you in confidence.
You are the leader of your own anti-bandwagon. If you want to see change in your life, make scary choices. Make the changes you need to make to your routines. Commit to your mental health plan. Don't just get mental treatment and then stop it when you're not feeling better yet and make an excuse about it. You owe it to yourself to seek out that help and move past this depression because you are a worthwhile person, you just don't seem to know that. BUT nobody can fix this but you, you need to force yourself to take some responsibility.
You work two jobs on two completely separate time frames. You live in a house that does not provide the lifestyle in terms of good diet and sleep practices that you need to commit to in order to get better. You have full access to the support to change that situation within about a fortnight by filling out maybe 2 hours' worth of forms, and people that are keen to help you with that, and it's been that way for about 8 months....yet you're still working two jobs and eating junk food on a daily basis and having all sorts of other time-related life complications because you appear to be change-adverse (is this a fear thing?) even though a change is seriously required and fast in order to improve your own quality of life.
What's worse? A big lifestyle change and doing a small amount of legwork to make sure you stay on track with mental health support, or things staying on the same track as they have been for the past couple of years? When you look at it that way, what's scarier? Change, or staying the same?