Clipping / Ethereal

Feeling anxious and isolated because I'm stupidly putting self worth somewhere else fuck... things hitting me where I shouldn't compare

"You can't take a picture of this it's already gone" / Colour the Small One

Sometimes I feel like David Fisher minus a few properties and some alterations. Morals, ethics, even in some circumstances conservative filled with conflict. At times selfish but always trying to stand strong and help others and all I do is hurt myself in the process.

Secretly - Skunk Anansie - Post Orgasmic Chill

 

Where Dreams Go To Die / Everyone Nose / they

I'll start this off by saying that everyone has insecurities whether it be body image, self worth, & self doubt to cover a few. We all cope differently but I think the important thing is knowing when to realise that and behave in a way that's acceptable and if we don't acknowledge that try to adjust yourself for the future and most importantly try not to dwell no ones perfect we all fall and crash sometimes we are human.

Everyone is different, all with strengths and flaws.... like I know I'm by no means perfect. To be honest I don't know where I want to go with this it was intended to be a piece about friends and relationships but I don't know how to make my point some people may know what I am talking about. BLAH!

Recently I made the decision to finally remove someone out of my life that I have been clinging onto the idea for years.... and it wasn't as hard as it would have been a few years ago.

I posted this song because I feel it talks about me in some ways and my coming of age. 

It Doesn't Matter To Him (Live) - John Grant - Pale Green Ghosts

Redefine A Shade / 2012 A.D. hanging around

Can't sleep just thinking what position I put myself into. What can I do. Wish I could rewind. I thought I changed this dumb behavior gah!!

Destroy Create Transform Sublimate / I'm In It

Never thought I'd be in such a way over this fuck! I'll fuck it up I probably already have I'm not good at this stuff. Talking is harder considering certain circumstances with some of my closest friends that I usually talk to sigh.

Always Never - Porcupine Tree - Up The Downstair (Wrong Cover Pictured Below)

 

The Moon Touches Your Shoulder / The Epilogue

Things feel like they are going a million miles an hour in my life though nothing is happening and I don't where to go, who to talk too, what to do, and how to be. I want to be happy but don't know what to do. I want to care for all, be so balanced, be good, not be my family. Links, connections, bridges... all seem to be dropping and crumbling due to distance, and other stupid things I do. Sometimes I want to express opinions but worry of consequences so I just keep them to myself. I'm trying to find a balance in myself to be myself Im just not good with the tuning or volume. I need to get on top of my anxieties before I go insane.

bi†ches brew - ††† (Crosses) - ††† (Crosses) [Self Titled]

Rockafella Floyd / Rise & Shine

I've made a lot of changes in the last few months. I managed to open up and be more myself when years ago I'd be too scared to. Manage to build the confidence to create experiences I've always wanted to create to feel on a level I've never felt before around people and friends. I managed to ask  someone out I've had an interest in for a while and though it ended not the way I hoped I managed to hold things together, not end in disaster, & have the ability to hold my head high and know I gave it a shot. I say this alot but I'm sticking to it all I can do is look forward and not get to hung up on things but still learn from my mistakes and know that everyone is a different ball game.

Lonesome Rider - Volbeat feat. Sarah Blackwood - Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies

Glassworks / Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats

Just pounding my head against a wall trying to make sense of shit GAHHHH want to scream a lot of difference that'll make. Guess I'll eat pizza drown shit out with fat (tl;dr MOANING ABOUT BULLSHIT)

"This life is a gift to be lived and loved" - Mark "Barney" Greenway

When All Is Said & Done - Napalm Death - Smear Campaign

 

When I Read Certain Letters and GET MAD AT MYSELF & "Services"

Ain't That A Bitch / Seventh Wave

Gah want someone to see what I see their value and heart. Most of all strength

"None Of The American Reality Shit...." / Phantom Talking

Behaviour changes around people whether it be romantically, friends, bypassers on the street, mentors.... well you get the picture. But most people talk about this thing called "Games" like it's a bad thing and you know it is but I don't think people realise that the idea of "Games" is something we follow as a social norm and perpecuate because we all want to protect ourselves because everyone is doing the same its all a big circle kinda ironic (I think I know what that means hahaha). I'm playing one now myself despite what I really want to do but its something me and everyone else does to keep life flowing.

People feign emotions or hold back emotions for fear of changing the situation and they'd be right I guess the perfect world doesn't exsist but in a fucked up way that's OK it makes the good so much better. This sounds dark it's not meant to be it's just a perspective I see a lot, I'll admit I see a lot of the negative sometimes which sucks. I'll be blunt feelings negative and even positives (sometimes especially positive) feelings suck so much and can be the source of great pain. Sometimes all I want do is talk and talk and talk to someone but restrain myself due to anxiety and other complicated reasons. Things change for better or for worse key is to accept things and do the best with what you have and if you can change things for the better shoot for it.

Lost In The World - Kanye West feat. Bon Iver - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Fan setting 3 / 403

Taking leaps and bounds in my life some scary as fuck. Anxiety screaming at me telling me to sit back my gut saying do it anxiety is telling me you'll fuck things up and what am I doing...

Maybe I'm over thinking things.

Inception / Fun Cooker

Ideas thrown around creating chaos. Risks thrown about. Things argghhh!

A Break In The Weather NOT! / Drive It Like You Stole It! / Barney

I try to stay optimistic about the world and society we live in then I hear/see people saying such slurs like "Monkey Cunts", "Curry Munchers", & "Slit Eyes". In a serious throw away tone wish such language, abuse didn't exsist but I guess that's a dream world. I can bet if the foot was on the other end these people would be upset and possibly get violent over what they'd hear about themselves but I guess hypocrites don't learn. Or maybe I'm over thinking this maybe people who speak such vile discriminatitive language are just dead shit ignorant bogan cunts (Too Much?). People go around saying that this way of speaking is "Australian" like its patrotic or something they also say if you ask them "Oh I'm not racist its just like a joke thing" yeah... cos that makes your case even better.

This stuff makes me angry it makes no sense to me like I can take it apart but still gets me thinking. I know I'm a hypocrite in a sense writing this as you see above using the word "cunt" to make a point which I apologise if that offends anyone. But I will say I do at times may say the odd slur so I know I can be no better BUT I only do say with close individuals to me and know they are comfortable with it but if they weren't I'd would immediately apologise for my words. That goes for anyone as well people going through a hard situation I may make light of without reason, racism, discrimintaion anything really.

POINT BEING don't a racist prick.

Identity Crisis - Napalm Death - Smear Campaign

 

13th / Keep Talking / Melting Intruder

Some things I don't understand and maybe i never will. Such as the idea of "ALPHA"... like I get it but don't. Some people achieve and misuse/abuse the control/power/bullshit for nothing but there own gain which is quite interesting since if they could observe things usually those who haven't got that position have more power than they realise. People feel the need to swing a hammer to enforce a social environment they wish to create but what they don't understand is that all it does is create a false sense of security that will disappear.

"Cat?" "Kitten.... Cute.... Calm..... False Sense of Security.... Gun.... Die?" - Terry Jefford

People will do despereate things to get what they want socially out of life. I wish people weren't like that.... Anxiety and emotions can be a bitch I guess but some actions deserve a slap or even a bullet or bettter yet maybe more people should learn to apologize and not be shitcunts to be blunt and know others have feelings too WE AREN'T FUCKING ROBOTS.....but I guess that's also a pipedream. Anyway...

 

 The Science Of Imaginary Solutions - Autolux - Transit Transit

Cute Machines / Pinecrest

I wish I knew how to overcome a problem in my life. It's something that can cause me to shake, cry, stress, feel anxious, and feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. Sigh. Don't wanna be that guy that causes a problem over something some wouldn't understand even I don't get but also want people to feel they can talk about it with me.

Galcier (2.0) / Randy Savage

For my entire life I've denied who I've wanted to be by myself, by others, by family, by media. Causing me to feel lonely, be frustrated, be fake and scared. Recently my life has undertaken big changes.... a big one being leaving work something I felt I had to do for myself, the other opening to friends about something about me I've been hiding since a child(from myself as well I might add). Feeling a little free has made me feel so much more confident in myself something I never expected. Friends have been extremely supportive in such a big change and for that I thank them very kindly you're all amazing.

I still deal with a strong moral and ethical compass towards sexism, homophobia, indifference so I guess you could say discrimination in general. But I keep a tighter lip and keep a stricter policy with who I choose to spend time with now in my life. I look around and see people hiding and feel a little sad for them but I know actions are actions and with actions come consequences. I can relate to hiding parts of themselves out of fear, belief, pressure, & image. I've been there all my life I still suffer from it heavily now. In saying all this some friends may believe I'm talking about one or two people in my life. I'd like to make it clear I'm talking about more than one or two people in fact quite a lot of people I know in my life and people in general.

"There are days when people are, So nasty and convincing, They say things beyond belief, That sting and leave you wincing" - John Grant

There's alot of pressure in our society as to what each person needs to be people can say that's not true but those people to be blunt are just stupid or at the very least blind and deaf. But I guess thats life there is always the ignorant, the educated, the informed, the evil, the good....you get the idea world is made of all sorts. Everyone be yourself and important people will stay others are just filler and causing you pain and frustration it took me nearly two decades to come to this conclusion and every now and again when I'm feeling stressed or down I know I'll ignore that sometimes fear & anxiety is a powerful but the important thing doing your best to recognize whether your fear is warranted or not same with anxiety.

"Don't you pay them fuckers as they say no never mind, They don't give two shits about you. It's the blind leading the blind" - John Grant

It's a rare feeling, this increasing confidence I know I still have my issues but I thought I knew confidence maybe I didn't because this all feels new to me and I'm loving it (brb maccas). Even despite the fact I have like no job socially I feel like I can make a positive impact on myself and overcome some major anxiety issues. Also in case you can't already tell OMG JOHN GRANT IS AMAZING FANVCR!!!!! HERE!!!!. Can't wait to see him on Saturday will be amazing his music and words are beautiful and something I relate heavy too.

Glacier - John Grant feat. Sinead O’Connor - Pale Green Ghosts

Tapedeck Sounds / Zone Out

Yesterday was phenomenal something I'll never forget I got to do something I've always wanted to do but always been to scared, nervous, or embarrassed. It was a rush.  My friend was so discrete and respectful towards me hiding my intentions from others in the store knowing I know nothing but explaining things simply without judgment being understanding. I left the store with what my friend bought on my behalf so happy I started to tear up I was so happy. In the store I was so anxious but like a rush but so happy. Something I've wanted to look at and very involved in some I know it existed I'm still to embarrassed to say what it is but so excited to learn. Like to say a big thank you to my friend for helping me it meant a lot to me.

Bamford / Nun

Been a bumpy start stuck in the middle of a quarrel you could say. It's hard to be supportive but firm to both sides. I just want to relax and not think about it, but sadly that's not how the world works. I also want to block out things and stop dwelling. Despite all these things I have things to look forward to. I may have trouble with somethings in my life but I'm becoming comfortable with some aspects.

Sigourney Weaver / Glacier

I feel uncomfortable most of the time only a few know why. Hence feeling more alone than I actually am most of the time. Feeling like I hate them because most play that game I refuse to be involved in. I hate the culture and respect they show. I hate connections seem lost I want to fix them. I really do. I love my friends they are my world.