Plastic Spider Thingy / Blue Rats (Blue Cheese Mix)

I roll around in a empty house having fun watching things I haven't had a chance to watch due to discomfort in the past I laugh turn to my left to realize I'm by myself. I want just someone to hang out with which I know is hard considering I'm free a lot of the time in times when people are busy even at night just someone I could talk to...sure I have facebook and a housemate that I see a little of the day which is fine she lives her own life and I live mine and I sure as hell don't expect her to hang out with me all the time because that's ridiculous. I want to meet new people its one of the reasons I moved to a new place I just don't know how with everything in my life I've had everything handed to me one way or the other whether it be help emotionally, administratively, or whatever else (not so much financially though I think). I've kind of cut myself off from talking again because I don't want to use people especially my friends as emotional crutches anymore I did it for a while I'd rather keep to myself than be a bother to everyone else in my life. I feel bad for my family especially for my brother aunty dying, direct reconnection, dealing with 2 small siblings as well. There's not a lot I can do except listen every now and again. As I said earlier I'm trying to do things for myself which is going quite well I'm still quite forgetful with things but I'm trying and I hope others see that I'm doing my best. I get teary about things every now and again but am doing my best to be strong. I kinda feel life at the moment is sorta slipping into place I just wouldn't mind someone to hold and enjoy these positive feelings with me I'm in talks with someone at the moment but whether it all happens is another question its one to talk but to act is a different story. I hope all the pieces complete my puzzle shortly I feel like I'm just missing two things friends and a special someone.

Raise Me Up / Its Oh So Quiet...

A little tense and upset in a week I found out a secret idol of mine died....along with finding out an aunty has died yesterday. I lay quiet most of the day trying to wrap my head around events I saw a memorial at work on TV and must admit I teared up a little. A little bored with things but busy at the same time. I have friends with heavy things on all their minds I want to be there for all of them I really do but I can't. But I do have something sort of positive going on so that's good trying not to build it up to much because I'll set myself up for a fall and I've had too many of those this year already ill try not to dwell on things too much and stop rumination.

In-Ah! / Pulled Underat 2000 Metres A Second

I'm currently in a new place, had a severe breakdown. I'm still so scared...I don't know who to talk to the person I usually talk to is overwhelmed and with good reason I know I can be overbearing especially in my current state. All I want is help and the scary thing is that the only person that can do anything to help is myself its confronting. I currently am stressed all the time with unpacking, finances, lack of lovelife, pressure of my image, family problems, lack of social life, daily tasks, previous house, uphold good housemate image. I feel I have no one to talk to I'm scared that if I say anything people will blast me and say that's not even a big deal essentially telling me to fuck off or they calm me down then confirm my anxiety was correct. I'm supposed to relax I haven't had a second to even think about it some nights on long drives by myself I start to cry knowing what ever I do it doesn't matter I know life will kick me again for something I've tried my best at. I ruminate, I compare, I try to be happy, I smile in the hopes I'll feel better about my life. I smile when a friend talks about sex when really my mind is telling me �...you won't get sex look at you, your pathetic, unattractive, a pushover, too nice�. It sounds fucked up but the things that calm me down and fuck me are the one and the same. All I want is someone to have fun with take care of and treat well. My thoughts entail me being a waste... I play up these feelings then someone picks up on it tells me its true due to my behavior and I end up back at the start of the cycle. If I tell my close friends my problems they calm me down then tell me my thoughts are true later. I act like a baby, I cry like a baby. Someone will respond to this post saying something that will most likely I will ignore or I say I acknowledge then do nothing about because I'm a lazy shit. People say no one thinks this negatively about me...most of this comes from those who rarely hang out with me one on one. All this is asking for attention. Three days ago I heard an external case similar in some aspects to my own problems from a friends perspective which made me feel worse knowing I'm doing the same. I wish I had some friends out here I do like this place though. People talk about friends like they are objects sometimes I feel like telling them what's being said but I bite my tongue and listen to the shit. I'm doing my best to help everyone I can. I wish I could talk to someone but I know I can't. I'm trying to be the best me still feel 5%. I wish I could stop crying. I don't like using this as an excuse but I do passively. I want to have fun but don't have the time, nor the friends....what would I do anyway I'm nothing but a bore and a selfish one at that. I ask questions wanting to know things then get left feeling like an idiot for asking. But I'm a hypocrite because I do the same. It sucks I know the cold hard truth is everything is my fault(well mostly). I'm still scared from my assault and it sucks because little to nobody cares about the event not even a peep from my own family people still think it's all my fault and I deserved it. Worried about new medication will I get more fucked than ever I don't want people to think I'm a lazy piece of shit like most do already. I'm trying quite hard I don't think anyone cares... to be honest I'm yet to see proof that anyone really gives a shit I just feel like a burden a duty that gets passed around in turns. I haven't stopped I collapse most nights into bed wake up have breakfast then head off to do something I need to get done. I'm complaining about life and I'm aware life is life maybe I just need to talk... I don't know. I guess I need to grow up I can be really immature. I'll cry, sleep and carry on in silence like I have increasingly for months in fear. To people who put up with this emotional train wreck I'm sorry I'll pack up my shit and get going. Now I'm just attacking my friends I'm a great guy :/......

Experiment of the Ear / TBA

I have so much to discuss but I feel the aspect of audio will spice up how to express myself plus it won't be boring though it may be abrasive and chop shopped at times I feel it's a different way to express myself... Stay tuned...

Waters Of Nazareth / Breakdown

Was assaulted in my own home, watched a friend get a abused by her family, moving in a few days, waiting for money. I can't sleep at home worried someone may break in and beat me up. So sleep is broken if I get in any... People convince me to start packing start moving stuff over open something see its a jacket of someone's that I have a thing for and burst into tears. If I tell people I'm scared I don't know if they'll understand...someone mentioned that someone snuck in early this morning as well puts me on edge.

Scared - Three Days Grace - Three Days Grace(Self-Titled)

Fear / Be Quiet And Drive

I sit in my room shaking in fear that someone staying in my house may kick the shit out of me I don't know what to do I've tried everything now I'm scared in my room.

Deconstruction / Good Teeth On A Bum

I'm a selfish, attention seeking whore... I feel like I can't talk to anyone and because of this I snap I've spent the last 5 hours staring at my wall. Maybe 30 minutes of sleep in there aswell. I'm responsible for myself and I'm just a waste of space all this is asking for attention I know... and I don't deserve a second. It's a great feeling when a professional psychologists mouth drops at stuff I say like literally had no idea... I cry...waiting for an answer that I know I have to reach. I'll just lay on bed staring into darkness. I don't know why I can't talk... I guess I don't feel comfortable and am scared people may accidentally hurt me without realizing it I don't know... I don't know much.

Burn It Down - Alter Bridge - One Day Remains

 

Digeridoo / Nanou 2

Today all I've felt is hate for myself and been left hated by some aswell. I feel alone, empty, tired, and insanely busy. I feel like I buy happiness and I always have with music, events or food. As I need to fill that void of being alone. I look at myself in the mirror(want to punch the mirror) then I go to bed. Only thing good about today is that I danced the night away....

ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][Σj∈C{i}Fji[n − 1] + Fexti[[n−1]] - Aphex Twin - Windowlicker EP

 

Dont even....

I just want a hug.... I....

Life Burns! / Colony Collapse

Today I was shit from get go, I sleep in miss classes tear up at least 8 times today before anything even went down... now I'm balling my eyes out in the dark alone... can't even shower tomorrow it looks like.... Can't even stand up for myself I'm fucking pathetic or stick up for those who stick up for me... FUCK these tears and heavy breathing. Probably fail uni again. Looks like mum's partner has left her as well. I have no money and need it. I hate being a mess. I hate that I starve myself. I am an ugly fuck who can't enjoy a life that really has no problems. Can life give me a break. Head throbbing. Someone I love tries to contact me and i can't respond. Because I don't know... I have no idea why some waste their time on me. Dizzy... may just pass out like last night... Can't even type everything's a blur. I have to push on though I have so much to do. So dizzy, eyes crying with tears.

Of Mice & Little Green Men / Cromartie

I feel blank staring into space sending texts organizing centrelink stuff with my parents. I know my problems all a double edged sword that I can't talk about its too personal and awkward sending me in circles. I'm excited about future prospects and know they will be stressful times the next few weeks... Uni starts back up will be strange. I try not to talk to others as they have their own problems and mine aren't real problems...crying is down I will admit I'm crying as I write this. the stuff I get sad over are stupid but it doesn't stop me getting caught up.

Hymn Of A Broken Man - Times Of Grace - The Hymn Of A Broken Man

Ziltoid The Omniscient / Cooling

.......Fuck talking... sleep now I could discuss things but collapse now while humming this in my sleep :)

Supercrush! - The Devin Townsend Project - Addicted

Chop Phuey / Crutch Field Tongs

Today was eh apart from The Dillinger Escape Plan being OMG best thing ever I've seen live up there with Slipknot so much energy. Oh and hanging with my bro was fun. But does anyone else just stare into space waiting for time to pass I do most days. At night I cry like tonight I walk into my room tired from the night driving and concert and such close the door and start crying then pull myself together and just float around on the net just staring at the screen not paying attention better than staring at a wall. I feel inadequate like nothing I do is good enough I'm dizzy but can't pass out or sleep its a great feel.

Panasonic Youth - The Dillinger Escape Plan - Miss Machine