I'm currently in a new place, had a severe breakdown. I'm still so scared...I don't know who to talk to the person I usually talk to is overwhelmed and with good reason I know I can be overbearing especially in my current state. All I want is help and the scary thing is that the only person that can do anything to help is myself its confronting. I currently am stressed all the time with unpacking, finances, lack of lovelife, pressure of my image, family problems, lack of social life, daily tasks, previous house, uphold good housemate image. I feel I have no one to talk to I'm scared that if I say anything people will blast me and say that's not even a big deal essentially telling me to fuck off or they calm me down then confirm my anxiety was correct. I'm supposed to relax I haven't had a second to even think about it some nights on long drives by myself I start to cry knowing what ever I do it doesn't matter I know life will kick me again for something I've tried my best at. I ruminate, I compare, I try to be happy, I smile in the hopes I'll feel better about my life. I smile when a friend talks about sex when really my mind is telling me �...you won't get sex look at you, your pathetic, unattractive, a pushover, too nice�. It sounds fucked up but the things that calm me down and fuck me are the one and the same. All I want is someone to have fun with take care of and treat well. My thoughts entail me being a waste... I play up these feelings then someone picks up on it tells me its true due to my behavior and I end up back at the start of the cycle. If I tell my close friends my problems they calm me down then tell me my thoughts are true later. I act like a baby, I cry like a baby. Someone will respond to this post saying something that will most likely I will ignore or I say I acknowledge then do nothing about because I'm a lazy shit. People say no one thinks this negatively about me...most of this comes from those who rarely hang out with me one on one. All this is asking for attention. Three days ago I heard an external case similar in some aspects to my own problems from a friends perspective which made me feel worse knowing I'm doing the same. I wish I had some friends out here I do like this place though. People talk about friends like they are objects sometimes I feel like telling them what's being said but I bite my tongue and listen to the shit. I'm doing my best to help everyone I can. I wish I could talk to someone but I know I can't. I'm trying to be the best me still feel 5%. I wish I could stop crying. I don't like using this as an excuse but I do passively. I want to have fun but don't have the time, nor the friends....what would I do anyway I'm nothing but a bore and a selfish one at that. I ask questions wanting to know things then get left feeling like an idiot for asking. But I'm a hypocrite because I do the same. It sucks I know the cold hard truth is everything is my fault(well mostly). I'm still scared from my assault and it sucks because little to nobody cares about the event not even a peep from my own family people still think it's all my fault and I deserved it. Worried about new medication will I get more fucked than ever I don't want people to think I'm a lazy piece of shit like most do already. I'm trying quite hard I don't think anyone cares... to be honest I'm yet to see proof that anyone really gives a shit I just feel like a burden a duty that gets passed around in turns. I haven't stopped I collapse most nights into bed wake up have breakfast then head off to do something I need to get done. I'm complaining about life and I'm aware life is life maybe I just need to talk... I don't know. I guess I need to grow up I can be really immature. I'll cry, sleep and carry on in silence like I have increasingly for months in fear. To people who put up with this emotional train wreck I'm sorry I'll pack up my shit and get going. Now I'm just attacking my friends I'm a great guy :/......
Monday, 19 March 2012
In-Ah! / Pulled Underat 2000 Metres A Second
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Justin I most certainly care but to be blunt and honest I was assaulted as well and in the same boat and on top of that I'm dealing with abuse from my own family, my own fucked love life and doing all of the organising for the move here, all connections, all the paperwork, must of the unpacking and the whole time being stopped every few minutes and asked about something by you that you could have figured out yourself. I even lined up two jobs for you and a day late I ask you have you sent your resume yet and you attack me because you're trying but you haven't yet. I had a minor surgery today and even when I said goodnight you tried to stop me to ask for help. I try to relax on facebook and I'm linked here via private message. I heave told you countless times today that I need to focus on other things and look after myself and that I don't want to get dragged into this right now, I feel this is not being respected.
ReplyDeleteI already have a bug, I've spent the hours on the phone to telstra trying to fix our internet, I'm grogged out becauseI react badly to anaesthetic, I'm sore and tired from lifting boxes all week and I'm still not hales from the assault. I have between now and Monday to sort all of this before I start working 40 hour weeks and I'm the weeks behind on my studies with no access to the materials.
I have tried to be understanding, but I've actually lived the nightmare that is severe anxiety and depression. I spent a year and a half like that I'm an abuse home environment and attempted suicide at a few points, went through medication the whole deal and through all of that I took more responsibility for myself than you are now. I'm not going to wrap you in cotton wool because of your illness, you are sick, not retarded. Please for your sake and mine take more responsibility for yourself and don't disrespect me by making me pick up the slack. I am exhausted and you're right, it is your responsibility. You can do this.I can't.