Everything Counts / Black Dennis

Feels so good to talk you have no idea after being afraid to talk to a soul

2845 / Left Corridor or Right Corridor / Charts and Graphs

Had a down day I did nothing talked to no one was pretty shit. I dunno wishing I could just hang out with someone. Or even chat online I feel restricted, stuck... slept most of it or laid in bed. I have friends but am anxious talking to them sometimes. Some of my thoughts are dark and confronting I get scared they'll disappear. I can't accept compliments my brain can't process it I'll pick it apart for days after its been said.

I wish I could pick up the phone hang out with a friend without constantly questioning what I'm saying, how or where I'm standing or sitting, am I talking to much, am I fun, does this person think I'm interested in them because I'm talking about personal things, if I tell friends I'm not interested in them I don't mean to offend or mean they aren't attractive or a great person, am the cause of stress and problems, wanting to apologize for making friends look at my ugly face and body.

Wish I didn't hide from people and could be happy instead. Putting off things. Feeling I let people down after all I feel like a bad person. I don't feel I deserve attention. My anxiety and loneliness at night is pathetic.

Joel / Burrito

I worry I'm a bad person all the time and a bad friend or just someone to be kept around.

Star / AVMM / Sleep Through Distract

How can something that is everywhere be so God damn interesting to me. How can I stare fascinated for so long at shape and movement. Feel like a Neanderthal. Wanting warmth and closeness with intimacy. People call it an act, some dismiss it. In my mind it's a world I can't explore, touch, or feel...but I can watch through a window and listen to everyone I know speak of it in a simple fashion.

Abso Lutely / 8 Minute Delivery if we are late free pizza

I experience things hearing, watching, tasting... I get inspired by strange and experimental things that people may see or hear and honestly say wtf is wrong with those people. I love that there are people out there being bold, different, and strange. Being safe in entertainment can be a bad thing and when I say that I don't mean being offensive for the sake of it. I wish I could take my own advice and not play things too safe with decisions with my life sometimes a leap is good.

Mendes / Jungle Bridge in WW

I worry I'm a bad friend. That I'm not supportive enough or that in conversation I don't have an answer for them to help. Or I'm too distant or too needy. Or I don't know how to respond. A few people have said they have been happy to meet me citing that I'm important to them in some way. I honestly don't understand it makes no sense to me. Maybe I'm crazy.

Lester Burnham / Fragile Future

Ever thought about the future but not about your job/career. But of your family, friends, & potential loves this may sound weird, corny and even normal. I dream of keeping and finding passionate people without to much ignorance and arrogance in them, good people with a great sense of experiencing life without letting discovery become a selfish game. I know people are flawed and aren't perfect. I want some life, a pulse sort of to run through me and I don't mean a thrill like skydiving or anything like that it's not for me. I write this in not a sad state of mind but not a happy state of mind either. I guess it's wishful thinking and strange to write/think aswell.

I think of small pleasures I'd love in my lonely state of mind like an intimacy of laying in bed with a partner and being quiet or talking softly like a silly romance novel not even in touch but a connection that creates a spark. I guess I'm writing this in a weird way of rumination.

Anxiety can make you worry and scare you I fight it everyday. Being a go to guy can be a blessing and a curse especially when you try to open up to your close friends. Scared you can cause problems amongst friends and add friction. This post sounds sad but I don't mean for it to.

Usually I post music reflecting my post or what I'm listening to currently but instead. I'll post a closing scene from one of my favourite television shows "Six Feet Under" some of it isn't understandable to those who obviously haven't watched it. This scene is so moving it makes happy, sad, laugh, uplifted, depressed, curious. It brings me to tears of mixed emotions its just beautiful everytime I watch it SPOILERS AHEAD for those planning to watch it.

Everyone's Waiting (CLOSING SCENE) - Six Feet Under

 

Tennis by the Park (Normandy) / Secretly

Examining things I try to be positive but some times in the day it's harder than others which sucks. I may get in a mood and anxiously text friends and go into a spiral. I try not to feel lonely but sometimes like tonight I just cry. A lot of my friends are having problems and I try to look after myself but I can't help but worry about my friends. It'd be nice to have someone I feel passionate for. Sigh.... oh well. At the moment I'm trying to combat my thoughts I know they are just thoughts but some days I truly believe them such as "I'm a bad person". Which is very common to me.

Coots / Novacane

I torture myself with curiosity and forums nothing but out of reach.

Kona / Sparrow / Slam Blimp

People talk about romance and sex like oh it just will happen. Feel like saying fuck off a second if you didn't know me and saw me online on a dating site or in person you'd walk the other way and you know it. People talk like it's nothing like there's choices while I sit here some nights just begging for one. It's pathetic. But it boils down to I have no right to be mad if I had a choice I'd behave the same way. I have many other things I'd like to talk about but this is the main thing I think about. Friends will read this and go...Justin's sad about this again let's cheer him up again.

It's All Wrong / Foe Life / The Life Aquatic

Feels like I'm lying in a crack about to collapse open to attack by people. I have things to look forward to I just have no faith anything can come true. I feel like I'm being juggled by people and someone will hate me by the end of things. I hold back scared truth or me standing up for myself will end in more pain and I want no pain. I want separation from some and more closeness from others. Everyone is suffering and I tear myself down over it for some reason. I want happiness for everyone but I know that's unrealistic. I want intimacy but that's a pipe dream for me. I love hearing that my name is being dragged through the mud so angry but I can't bring myself to say fuck you despite having tons of support from many openly gah feelings are fucking shit I guess. I'm scared I'm being selfish and a cunt. I feel I dump things on people heaping things sometimes so I stay quiet so I'm not a problem or burden on others. Always feeling like a social misstep. I hear fighting too often in my life. I want to be strong and I am but sometimes I just want to collapse and cry to someone but if I do I'm vulnerable. Sex sucks, Love sucks, Relationships sucks, Socializing sucks (probably because I have no clue, I'm a stupid fat ugly fuck).

Drive Home - Steven Wilson - The Raven That Refused To Sing (And Other Stories)