Carl Casper / "I'm singing a Lionel Richie song" / "One Shot Latte"

A friend would be nice or someone to talk to. Why be honest... Why be vulnerable... Why try with people. Me isn't wanted by people don't mind the fake me but that's just it. The ones that know like the novelty or probably use it to make themselves feel like better people to themselves. People avoid me even after a night of shenanigans. I feel alienated but let's be honest no one else cares but myself which some would say that's all that matters. I just wouldn't mind if anyone would just ask if I'm OK...

I know I have flaws... Maybe at times I'm overbearing, or a bit of a doormat, or I try to satisfy everyone which never works. My friends over the years have become my family not for any reason or anything towards my actual family who I love in my own way. I love them some have disagreements, hate each other, have screwed one another over, don't know each other, some are just different.
I'm not writing this for any reason other than letting friends know I think about them.

This post along with every other post is scattered. Most nights I worry the world will crumble around me and my mediocre life will get worse. I feel I hold a secret so close to me and at the same time I feel like I'm going to drop it. I search for acceptance and normality all the time. Maybe that's too much... Maybe I'll never have that... I want a friend that's like a bro, I want a friend that's like a sister... A group

I want happy times in the sun surrounded by laughs or times spent enjoying movies on the couch. And maybe I don't have that now but hopefully in the future I can.

I always have a billion things running through my head anxieties, thoughts, curiosities, stresses, fears, and feelings. I don't intend or mean to make close friends my psychologists though I can at times I do it which I apologise for.

Why the fuck try to do good by people

Why even bother with people when people can just crush you like a ten ton hammer.

Long 4pm / Burnt Crossiant

Everyday I hear and see racists, bigots, homophobes and others (I'm not naming every type of fuckwit I'll be here forever). Most justify their own actions under "The Old School" and think that's fine. How are you meant to combat such logic or is it just a waste of time arguing. Is changing a mature or just brainwashed young individuals opinion worth the effort or even realistic?

Hat In Time / Neilwing / Botham Locke / Highway Blur

I have amazing fun all day with people then i go to bed and fall apart. All while having anxious thoughts its great but I can't say a thing cos yeah...

Travolta / Cage

I hate that everyday I have to put a face on to appease society. I hate I can't be myself and I live with anxiety that can have warranted reasons sometimes because of how I feel and want to be but if I dare to do something or feel a certain way I'm just wrong or an outlier in society. I just get tired of being fake and feeling so isolated.... Like sure I'm not isolated but I feel that way when I put on the face. I just want to be. But know that's not an option. Sometimes I just want to rant...

The Quiet Place / Dinosaur Carebears

I've been quiet to everyone as I have made the realization that no one gets it so I'll just keep everything to myself as much as I can despite how painful that is. Feel numb, alone, stressed... but I guess thats me a freak.

I've Seen Footage / Stringer Cam

Feeling like no one even knows the tip of the iceberg when it comes to me. Even those that know me well.

Agwa / I'm False and Can't be Full

I hate feeling alone. I get so anxious and worry and worry about people finding out about myself. I think people hate me and I know that's stupid but its how I feel. I must be weak. I feel people grow tired of me and will read this and go oh he's doing that sad bs again.

Fantano / 10/5 / East Walk

Alone I all I do is think I crave company and just go in circles. I feel just isolated

Bed / Bed / Powerline / Bed / Max A Million / "Sir, there's 13 steps on this ladder"

I spend most days feeling very isolated and alone despite who is around me. My heart races every second everytime I hear a certain word or subject and I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I'm at a loss and stressed I spent today watching disney movies trying to think the best of humanity and sleeping and just zoning out along with some cleaning.

I'm hoping all goes well today/tonight im so nervous

Any Colour you like? / yeah right

Hate problems and urges. No motivation and hiding myself kills me

Insecure / Feeling Wrong / Skin

Feel I'll be alone forever. Weirdo, freak, loser, or friend. That's what I feel I'll ever be seen as.

Adidas / red 3

Being different sucks. I wish aspects of life didn't exist. Then maybe I wouldn't worry and feel so low... Constantly thinking about it I think is damaging.

Acceptance When?

I feel so lonely. One day I'll be found in the discount bin

Sorry / Desperate

Most nights I feel so lonely. I often wonder if I was different to how I am if that would help in some way. I feel so left out most days in life. And sorry all the time like I'm wrong.

Nervous / 6500

I should be able to get out of bed earlier than this rather than worry about what people think about what they don't know

Don't even ask

It's days like these that remind me and it sucks

Wondering Star / not sure

How are people OK with themselves how do people just accept?

I have thoughts I can't put into words

Mystery Science Theater 3000 / Cookie Twins Lightning Bolt

I feel I can't cry or complain about being alone people will just go "...hes doing the whole sad virgin loser thing again". Gah I already feel like a fuckwit loser for posting this shit. I have weird thoughts desires that run around in my head that I hide away all the time its really hard sometimes and some nights i just lose it and cry in bed.

New entity

Wish I wasn't me

Simple Shadows / Seek, Hide, Curve

Hate pressures. I'm wrong by so many standards. There is so much I want in life I just wish some were more obtainable without serious decisions. I say weird things and people go "What?". Sorry I'm a freak.

I'm Tired But Overslept / /

Emotionally exhausted. I have problems. I want to solve them and talk about them but instead I hide like the weak thing I am

I don't even care for titles right now

When you just don't know. And you know no one will get it

Static / Filo Cheese

I wish I was someone else. Someone who could be comfortable. Someone who could not fall apart. Be not it.

Hot Shower / Left Behind

Can't sleep too much to think about nothing new just isolating myself to preserve social status.

Wanting to fail so i just let my self more so

Most nights I just think of problems problems problems. If I say anything people will think I'm a loser. A loser that succeeds at being that.

Mushroom King / Hopper is no Rain Man

Another death = another chance for me to close up. Another chance for me to add to the list of problems another excuse to want to bury myself deeper. I get anxious constantly worrying what people think cry in conversation for hours after most have gone to bed.

Max Fischer / Charter

Feel like such an arsehole... Even though I didn't know... I still feel like one.

Part of Me / herman

Sometimes I wish I knew someone that I've known for years but just for a day of existence so I could open up and not have people think I'm a freak or a fucking weirdo. I have issues.

Wassup dog / crocs and socks

I don't post anything because something's I can't say. Things are weird awkward and too much.

GBS / Kyle Bedrock

I worry about things. I'm harsh on myself. I want to be a certain way but I also don't. So I tell myself what I am all terrible things. Wishing I could be laying on the grass in the sun.

Versal Flaming Milk

How can one piece of clothing make me so happy yet so lonely at the same time

Gray Fox / Mice Shine In Wardrobe

I lay in bed going in circles all day anxious and stressed. Hide things away try them later and feel like I'm in heaven smile ear to ear... but a part of me knows I can't do what id like to do with them. Maybe one day I can figure things out and be open with more close friends. Maybe one day I can be... Rather than this scared, anxious, depressed person I currently am speaking in code or quiet worrying what people think of me. Some nights I want to scream that's when this comes....

Shitstorm - Strapping Young Lad - Alien

Dizzy Sperlunky

God nothing like some strange half asleep emotional episode. To knock you for 6 before hitting the hay proper. I hate what I am. But I want to love myself. I don't know how to be.

One Leg Forward / Raise Your Glass

Finally bought something I've looked at for months and secretly wanted to buy for years. Friends have always talked about and a few people collected in passing... But to me the purchase means much more than owning an item it represents a lot more to me. It's like a change in me it represents a step towards making myself feel good which is what I want, I step even towards conquering a fear. People and friends I don't think will ever fully understand which kinda sucks but its a step to a collection.

On and under the hood

Wondering what people think of me or what they would think of me?

Rejoice / Dreaming Of Life

Trying to be confident with things it helps that I can slowly calm anxiety down despite the fact I'm a little "funny" still. I still feel a little embarrassed about things and about myself second guessing everything. Things still seem hard to talk about it's just a little dark or maybe that's just my thought process. I use harsh words to tell myself what I am.

Sunny Side Up / Lofaro

When you wanna ask someone something that probably isn't that big of a deal but you play it up and get embarrassed. Gah fuck I feel drained stupid flu....

Everyone Sleeps / Stuck In Hell

I often wonder how things would be if I was different if I'd be treated any differently than what I am now.

Easy said than done

Starting dialogue is scary all I feel is anxiety and panic.

Curb / Pissing Contest / I Started A Joke

I feel left out. Always have. Even when I organize something. Every year I hope just for my birthday I can be the center of attention but it never turns out that way. Its creeping up and all I have on my mind is being a number being there. My mind can be all over the shop. Sometimes I feel I'm the joke and people are laughing at me.

More Pictures / Avoidance / My Problems

Sometimes I wish I was able to talk to my friends about my issues just for once. I already feel like a freak. I guess I do make people feel weird and uncomfortable. I hide myself from everyone because of what and who I am. People say be comfortable be who you are. I wish it was that simple I really do. I wish my problems were more clean cut. Instead my problems make people want to runaway.

Ricardo Diaz / Release

Feel terrible... friend wants to talk about something with me and I make it about me sorry. I have a lot of problems didn't mean to make things about my problems that was selfish.

The Build Up - Destiny Potato - LUN

Water / port

Constantly wishing I was normal. Always feeling like a freak. Talking causes people to bolt so I guess I should I dunno. I have problems I'm always anxious which makes life draining.

Sport / Stork / Sort

I talk a lot of shit but all I want is someone... And to get through most nights without thinking... Always thinking.

Safeway DD / I Gotta Rokk

Some days I remember some parts of my childhood and remember being told by others that's not normal no one thinks like that.

"The Plan" / ?

Most nights I lay in bed trying to figure out why things are the way they are. I worry about what people think about me even though everyone doesn't really know who i am. I wonder about shit i shouldn't shit that would make people go what?

Why I hate some of society / I don't care if this sounds aggressive

Sexuality is not a choice you stupid emotionally unintelligent fuck just because your straight doesn't mean everyone else is. It is also not responsibility to teach you that fact. You can say I chucked a fit I don't care. You can tell people I'm a sensitive flower I don't care. Instead of cutting people off you should take a second and listen. Don't tower over me thinking you know it all no one does...

Corner Main / Strong Vision

Is it OK to feel flat? Like to feel not down but not exactly up either. Thinking of how things are laid out and how to be.

Makeup / Shutting off is good?

All the emotions fuck I feel like salt in a salt shaker.

Gidvdtibfssdffghjbbvxdddfhjjkodfv

Over thinking and stressed

Hoard / No brackets(yes brackets)

Sigh... wish i wasn't controlled sometimes I wish I could make a scene and emote. People think they have me figured out and they have no idea. Gah fuck emotions and my stupid sadness over dumb shit. I just don't want to think.

They Laugh because I'm STUCK / Edgecrusher

When you have feelings and you don't know what to do and you know you can't talk about them so you walk away and just want to slam your head into a wall. People laugh and are too stupid to get it. FUCK!

The Lost Song Part. 3 / good kid, m.A.A.d. city

Sometimes I feel I'm hiding and that my true self may horrify people along with myself. It's amazing how hard it is to be yourself people say just be yourself... I wish it was that easy I really do.

Get Ready - Reggie Watts

Heartbeat / Approach

A friend asked me tonight "What's going on?" and I say what I always say "nothing" obviously wanting to talk about me and cares how things are. Truth is I've stopped trying to look for love, relationships, sex and the rest things seem to complicated nor do I have anything on the horizon.

Looking forward to this sooo sooo much

In Loving Memory

RIP Nanna Carter. You were a lovely woman my thoughts go to all their direct family to Jim, Cassandra, Jamie, Sam, Al and of course all who knew this amazing person. You will be missed dearly. All ended as such a shock. My sisters miss you so much.

Fire Volume / King Push / Jesse Exile

I wish I was distracted and not worry about what people think of me. Feel alone like I ruin things with my behavior and anxieties. I feel like a simple goal for most is near and far for me. I tend to have the lowest of the low self esteem. Wishing I was normal or at least feel normal. Instead I'll lie in bed and have a panic attack triggered by me over thinking and analyzing. Woo!

Plenary Solo / Turkey Rolls

Sometimes get so anxious I question whether I should say or do so I stay quiet and do nothing.

Nightcall (Kavinsky feat. LoveFoxx Cover) - London Grammar - If You Wait

Concierge / Lobby Boy

Often I wish I could relate.

Brett / Matsuda (One Job) / Wax Of Feather Wings

Wishing I could be normal. Wishing circumstance, choice, "just being" wasn't in play. No choice anyway.

Do You Know The Waysofar / Sequence Arpeggio Lighting

Questions I don't want to answer truthfully nor will I?

• How was your week?
• What did you get up to?
• So what are you doing right now?

All normal questions I just don't want be honest about it granted I don't think many people genuinely like answering these questions either from my experiences with people so I guess I'm in the same boat. This isn't about one person for anyone reading this I don't want people reading this to think I'm targeting them or anything like that.

Racer - Giorgio Moroder - Racer: A Chrome Experiment

Strunk / un dernier combat / Sierra Leone

STOP THINKING!!! gah can't I just relax to stupid shit like a video game without over thinking...

Jizzlober - Faith No More - Angel Dust

Insight / Untrue / Glacier[3] / Balls To The Wall (Pillow Fight Mix)

Thoughts, processes all circles to do with different issues, identity, discrimination, arguments. All running through my head at night creating balance can be hard in life. Especially in terms of control and curiosity. Moving from a standstill can be a problem. Fighting the big fight is something I'm passionate about changing and challenging views is something I enjoy especially seeing changes and creating positive thoughts in the world and others it slowly makes things better. I'm wondering if I feel as though I'm at a "standstill" because I know nothing else or because of the worth I have felt to the point of anxiety or distress in loss of the past or me not enjoying the step forward. I know whoever reads this must think I'm a mess... I am a bit it was written with that intention and that confusion.

Born In Winter - Gojira - L'Enfant Sauvage

Dominique / 3rd Tier Can't Kick Me

For the past 2 months my perceptions have changed about identity. Thanks to drastic change and 3 people who have no idea what they have done to change my life. But I thank them I may have crawled back to the old occupation but that's ok my ideals and perceptions of that has changed to along with unintended hard love where I took the fall.

Wondering / New Silence

Gah..... thoughts, choices, consequences, complication, ups and downs I guess that's life. Everyone has an opinion of where I should be at or have done, I can't just be. Words and a "feeling" can rule a mind when you want it finished.

Beta Male / Clog

I wish a friend would stop being mad and talk to me I miss conversations and dumb jokes. Being the fall guy sucks... 3 weeks and still hating sigh...

Supererogation / Money Folder / Anything But Love

Solve money problem but hurt a friend whatever choice i make i hurt someone I hope they are OK I didn't mean for it to go down like this.

 (Its Cloudy Now) עכשיו מעונן - Aviv Gefen

Silverwing / A Single Moment Of Sincerity / Move Of Ten / Pce Freeze 2.8i

I feel if I write something now it'll come off as aggressive which wouldn't be my intention. So all I'll say is that I hope my readers had a good Saturday night whatever you may all be doing.

Carry The Cross - Arch Enemy - Doomsday Machine

(EDIT: I realize this song has multiple meanings the more I listen lol.... I posted for personal reasons)

Careful With That Axe Eugene! (2) / Human Clay / The Stone

I feel... gah... it sucks I started thinking today about something everyday that I felt nearly killed me two years ago when really it was my mind set at the time. But I find myself questioning whether a change was just putting something on hold. Something I can't talk about because I'm not allowed to along with a recurring social problem I tend to create time and time again at least it feels like that, so my job is to tip toe around everyone guess it's been like this since primary school it happens.

Diaries of Absence / Angela's Legion

Proud of myself got extremely stressed about a task and took care of it myself without asking for help instead of getting upset and doing nothing I got my arse in gear and did it myself. Now I feel great.

Clipping / Ethereal

Feeling anxious and isolated because I'm stupidly putting self worth somewhere else fuck... things hitting me where I shouldn't compare

"You can't take a picture of this it's already gone" / Colour the Small One

Sometimes I feel like David Fisher minus a few properties and some alterations. Morals, ethics, even in some circumstances conservative filled with conflict. At times selfish but always trying to stand strong and help others and all I do is hurt myself in the process.

Secretly - Skunk Anansie - Post Orgasmic Chill

 

Where Dreams Go To Die / Everyone Nose / they

I'll start this off by saying that everyone has insecurities whether it be body image, self worth, & self doubt to cover a few. We all cope differently but I think the important thing is knowing when to realise that and behave in a way that's acceptable and if we don't acknowledge that try to adjust yourself for the future and most importantly try not to dwell no ones perfect we all fall and crash sometimes we are human.

Everyone is different, all with strengths and flaws.... like I know I'm by no means perfect. To be honest I don't know where I want to go with this it was intended to be a piece about friends and relationships but I don't know how to make my point some people may know what I am talking about. BLAH!

Recently I made the decision to finally remove someone out of my life that I have been clinging onto the idea for years.... and it wasn't as hard as it would have been a few years ago.

I posted this song because I feel it talks about me in some ways and my coming of age. 

It Doesn't Matter To Him (Live) - John Grant - Pale Green Ghosts

Redefine A Shade / 2012 A.D. hanging around

Can't sleep just thinking what position I put myself into. What can I do. Wish I could rewind. I thought I changed this dumb behavior gah!!

Destroy Create Transform Sublimate / I'm In It

Never thought I'd be in such a way over this fuck! I'll fuck it up I probably already have I'm not good at this stuff. Talking is harder considering certain circumstances with some of my closest friends that I usually talk to sigh.

Always Never - Porcupine Tree - Up The Downstair (Wrong Cover Pictured Below)

 

The Moon Touches Your Shoulder / The Epilogue

Things feel like they are going a million miles an hour in my life though nothing is happening and I don't where to go, who to talk too, what to do, and how to be. I want to be happy but don't know what to do. I want to care for all, be so balanced, be good, not be my family. Links, connections, bridges... all seem to be dropping and crumbling due to distance, and other stupid things I do. Sometimes I want to express opinions but worry of consequences so I just keep them to myself. I'm trying to find a balance in myself to be myself Im just not good with the tuning or volume. I need to get on top of my anxieties before I go insane.

bi†ches brew - ††† (Crosses) - ††† (Crosses) [Self Titled]

Rockafella Floyd / Rise & Shine

I've made a lot of changes in the last few months. I managed to open up and be more myself when years ago I'd be too scared to. Manage to build the confidence to create experiences I've always wanted to create to feel on a level I've never felt before around people and friends. I managed to ask  someone out I've had an interest in for a while and though it ended not the way I hoped I managed to hold things together, not end in disaster, & have the ability to hold my head high and know I gave it a shot. I say this alot but I'm sticking to it all I can do is look forward and not get to hung up on things but still learn from my mistakes and know that everyone is a different ball game.

Lonesome Rider - Volbeat feat. Sarah Blackwood - Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies

Glassworks / Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats

Just pounding my head against a wall trying to make sense of shit GAHHHH want to scream a lot of difference that'll make. Guess I'll eat pizza drown shit out with fat (tl;dr MOANING ABOUT BULLSHIT)

"This life is a gift to be lived and loved" - Mark "Barney" Greenway

When All Is Said & Done - Napalm Death - Smear Campaign

 

When I Read Certain Letters and GET MAD AT MYSELF & "Services"

Ain't That A Bitch / Seventh Wave

Gah want someone to see what I see their value and heart. Most of all strength

"None Of The American Reality Shit...." / Phantom Talking

Behaviour changes around people whether it be romantically, friends, bypassers on the street, mentors.... well you get the picture. But most people talk about this thing called "Games" like it's a bad thing and you know it is but I don't think people realise that the idea of "Games" is something we follow as a social norm and perpecuate because we all want to protect ourselves because everyone is doing the same its all a big circle kinda ironic (I think I know what that means hahaha). I'm playing one now myself despite what I really want to do but its something me and everyone else does to keep life flowing.

People feign emotions or hold back emotions for fear of changing the situation and they'd be right I guess the perfect world doesn't exsist but in a fucked up way that's OK it makes the good so much better. This sounds dark it's not meant to be it's just a perspective I see a lot, I'll admit I see a lot of the negative sometimes which sucks. I'll be blunt feelings negative and even positives (sometimes especially positive) feelings suck so much and can be the source of great pain. Sometimes all I want do is talk and talk and talk to someone but restrain myself due to anxiety and other complicated reasons. Things change for better or for worse key is to accept things and do the best with what you have and if you can change things for the better shoot for it.

Lost In The World - Kanye West feat. Bon Iver - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Fan setting 3 / 403

Taking leaps and bounds in my life some scary as fuck. Anxiety screaming at me telling me to sit back my gut saying do it anxiety is telling me you'll fuck things up and what am I doing...

Maybe I'm over thinking things.

Inception / Fun Cooker

Ideas thrown around creating chaos. Risks thrown about. Things argghhh!

A Break In The Weather NOT! / Drive It Like You Stole It! / Barney

I try to stay optimistic about the world and society we live in then I hear/see people saying such slurs like "Monkey Cunts", "Curry Munchers", & "Slit Eyes". In a serious throw away tone wish such language, abuse didn't exsist but I guess that's a dream world. I can bet if the foot was on the other end these people would be upset and possibly get violent over what they'd hear about themselves but I guess hypocrites don't learn. Or maybe I'm over thinking this maybe people who speak such vile discriminatitive language are just dead shit ignorant bogan cunts (Too Much?). People go around saying that this way of speaking is "Australian" like its patrotic or something they also say if you ask them "Oh I'm not racist its just like a joke thing" yeah... cos that makes your case even better.

This stuff makes me angry it makes no sense to me like I can take it apart but still gets me thinking. I know I'm a hypocrite in a sense writing this as you see above using the word "cunt" to make a point which I apologise if that offends anyone. But I will say I do at times may say the odd slur so I know I can be no better BUT I only do say with close individuals to me and know they are comfortable with it but if they weren't I'd would immediately apologise for my words. That goes for anyone as well people going through a hard situation I may make light of without reason, racism, discrimintaion anything really.

POINT BEING don't a racist prick.

Identity Crisis - Napalm Death - Smear Campaign

 

13th / Keep Talking / Melting Intruder

Some things I don't understand and maybe i never will. Such as the idea of "ALPHA"... like I get it but don't. Some people achieve and misuse/abuse the control/power/bullshit for nothing but there own gain which is quite interesting since if they could observe things usually those who haven't got that position have more power than they realise. People feel the need to swing a hammer to enforce a social environment they wish to create but what they don't understand is that all it does is create a false sense of security that will disappear.

"Cat?" "Kitten.... Cute.... Calm..... False Sense of Security.... Gun.... Die?" - Terry Jefford

People will do despereate things to get what they want socially out of life. I wish people weren't like that.... Anxiety and emotions can be a bitch I guess but some actions deserve a slap or even a bullet or bettter yet maybe more people should learn to apologize and not be shitcunts to be blunt and know others have feelings too WE AREN'T FUCKING ROBOTS.....but I guess that's also a pipedream. Anyway...

 

 The Science Of Imaginary Solutions - Autolux - Transit Transit

Cute Machines / Pinecrest

I wish I knew how to overcome a problem in my life. It's something that can cause me to shake, cry, stress, feel anxious, and feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. Sigh. Don't wanna be that guy that causes a problem over something some wouldn't understand even I don't get but also want people to feel they can talk about it with me.

Galcier (2.0) / Randy Savage

For my entire life I've denied who I've wanted to be by myself, by others, by family, by media. Causing me to feel lonely, be frustrated, be fake and scared. Recently my life has undertaken big changes.... a big one being leaving work something I felt I had to do for myself, the other opening to friends about something about me I've been hiding since a child(from myself as well I might add). Feeling a little free has made me feel so much more confident in myself something I never expected. Friends have been extremely supportive in such a big change and for that I thank them very kindly you're all amazing.

I still deal with a strong moral and ethical compass towards sexism, homophobia, indifference so I guess you could say discrimination in general. But I keep a tighter lip and keep a stricter policy with who I choose to spend time with now in my life. I look around and see people hiding and feel a little sad for them but I know actions are actions and with actions come consequences. I can relate to hiding parts of themselves out of fear, belief, pressure, & image. I've been there all my life I still suffer from it heavily now. In saying all this some friends may believe I'm talking about one or two people in my life. I'd like to make it clear I'm talking about more than one or two people in fact quite a lot of people I know in my life and people in general.

"There are days when people are, So nasty and convincing, They say things beyond belief, That sting and leave you wincing" - John Grant

There's alot of pressure in our society as to what each person needs to be people can say that's not true but those people to be blunt are just stupid or at the very least blind and deaf. But I guess thats life there is always the ignorant, the educated, the informed, the evil, the good....you get the idea world is made of all sorts. Everyone be yourself and important people will stay others are just filler and causing you pain and frustration it took me nearly two decades to come to this conclusion and every now and again when I'm feeling stressed or down I know I'll ignore that sometimes fear & anxiety is a powerful but the important thing doing your best to recognize whether your fear is warranted or not same with anxiety.

"Don't you pay them fuckers as they say no never mind, They don't give two shits about you. It's the blind leading the blind" - John Grant

It's a rare feeling, this increasing confidence I know I still have my issues but I thought I knew confidence maybe I didn't because this all feels new to me and I'm loving it (brb maccas). Even despite the fact I have like no job socially I feel like I can make a positive impact on myself and overcome some major anxiety issues. Also in case you can't already tell OMG JOHN GRANT IS AMAZING FANVCR!!!!! HERE!!!!. Can't wait to see him on Saturday will be amazing his music and words are beautiful and something I relate heavy too.

Glacier - John Grant feat. Sinead O’Connor - Pale Green Ghosts

Tapedeck Sounds / Zone Out

Yesterday was phenomenal something I'll never forget I got to do something I've always wanted to do but always been to scared, nervous, or embarrassed. It was a rush.  My friend was so discrete and respectful towards me hiding my intentions from others in the store knowing I know nothing but explaining things simply without judgment being understanding. I left the store with what my friend bought on my behalf so happy I started to tear up I was so happy. In the store I was so anxious but like a rush but so happy. Something I've wanted to look at and very involved in some I know it existed I'm still to embarrassed to say what it is but so excited to learn. Like to say a big thank you to my friend for helping me it meant a lot to me.

Bamford / Nun

Been a bumpy start stuck in the middle of a quarrel you could say. It's hard to be supportive but firm to both sides. I just want to relax and not think about it, but sadly that's not how the world works. I also want to block out things and stop dwelling. Despite all these things I have things to look forward to. I may have trouble with somethings in my life but I'm becoming comfortable with some aspects.