I get told not to define myself with relationships and sex... Yet I do which is bad I feel I'm missing out. I feel like I'm in class again while Mrs. McBride is yelling at me "You will never have a girlfriend, girls don't go near Justin" while my mum stands there and agrees and encourages... I feel like back then except you could escape and say girls are icky as a child.
I've always been timid trying to distance myself from my father which is hard when people have always said I'm so much like him in every way. I've always tried to not push people away so I never take chances with my actions as in scared to offend even though i'll do that anyway.
I want sex not for gratification or a tick even though it would be nice I want the closeness between two open individuals I know I'm building things up. But I'd love to hold someone in my arms talk and stuff. Am I the only one that wants this...
I don't know why I stay up so late... I really don't.
I lie in bed mulling over the same thing I have gone over for the past year others throw their 2 cents in and they're probably right I still like to think the best. I don't know what to write people around me are having a hard time it sucks I want to help each and everyone but I can't. Sometimes I hate being empathetic it just brings me down. Why are things so complicated now...
Wake to shit, stay at my parents hear arguments I try to ignore it I can see my brother is too I stay longer for my brothers sake. All small things that eat away I can see it my brother can too we stay quiet brother pretends everything is fine despite the fact he literally never leaves his room. I want to but in at times but I never do because that would be stupid and also because I don't want the shit plus its awkward... It's not one-sided I can see that anyone can except maybe my grandparents who side with my mother. I know I don't have bad family my family care and are great its just a little shit seeing this happen and you can just tell it will go to shit soon slowly but surely.
Saying all this I haven't had a bad day it's been quite good my wonderful housemate made dinner (must admit felt like I crashed dinner :/) played some games though in this empty room I do feel a little lonely while people laugh down the hall together. I know I'm being overly sensitive and should be slapped for thinking that way. Guess it would be nice to have a friend in the area maybe in the future I'll make one. Logically my life is good and I shouldn't complain about missing things I guess my comparisons is something I should really look at.
Your Unpleasent Family - Porcupine Tree - The Incident
What's it matter no one cares... I can tell everyone on my steam account is generally on steam playing DotA 2 or posting away on facebook... continuously I turned down work MONEY I NEED. To be sitting on my computer crying building more stress alone making money tighter putting strain on my housemate aswell. Out of all my friends who I go out of my way for doing things I can't afford and so on I invite at least 100 people who intends on coming not even 5 people these people try and cheer me up most days saying your a great guy you have plenty of friends... well I look around and see an empty room playing a third wheel like most nights I do is not my idea of a good time feel like crawling up into bed and dying. I have no money... no fun...no friends. I'll just stare into space that'll be my night gah put on fake smile tomorrow tell work I had an amazing night with friends when really I say bring on death it's not like anyone will obviously miss me.
Why is it that homosexuality, bisexuality is needs to be ridiculed be so novel that people will tear it down without seeing what they are doing and those who are gay do the same wanting gay marriage legalized when all they do is fuck in their fucking circles I know I've only been out for a bit but what is wrong with this hypocritical community where if you don't fuck your not it. It's a different story if you're a virgin if you're a virgin you can still be classed as straight I am bisexual and a virgin and so what. What should it matter if I am either of those things. I am not a bad person I do my best as a person to care for my friends and my family sure I come off the rails every now and again I can be crass at the dumbest times, I feel down when alone even get to crying or get jealous I am only human.
Why are people intent on making a big deal on the physical I'm not the most attractive person alive but neither are you if you feel so inclined to think that about yourself then you are douche. People I know at one time or another have ridiculed me my life about sex whether that I've had it or that I'm gay or that I'm uneducated on some of the terms, acts of sex itself. If I am crass, dumb over sex it's because people in this fucked society has made me this way to feel accepted in society granted it's still not an excuse for anyone's behavior.
Sexuality doesn't need to be defined in anyway in my opinion if you are gay/lesbian or whatever other word you want to call it and you are open about it fine that's all cool just don't say we are all like this everyone is different saying we are all the same is bullshit. As with bisexuality the whole debate you like either sex equally is bullshit generally there always be you like one more than the other just like you can have favourited children and that's fine you don't need to define a thing.
A relationship is to be good friends with an individual to love one and another in what ever way you choose to if you showing your love means some deranged bondage session then so be it but love can be expressed in other ways not just physical it can be expressed by knowing someone by taking care of them in the rough times and having fun together in the good times. Love is something that can be described in many ways there is no right answer and no wrong answer either so this rant could be completely hypocritical to another person. I guess what I'm saying is stop having a go at people for their views (I know from me that's a bit rich for those who know me but even I at least know I wrong even if I say I'm right because i know I'm a hypocrite)
I suppose this is just my opinion but its my blog so Nerrrrrrr. *sticks out tongue*
I'm living in a dream land everything is just blah I should care more about things but instead set my sights on one thing. I have no motivation for things I feel kind of flat. I get fucked up over things that shouldn't define me. Events are drawing near and I know when it happens I'm going to lose my shit guess a group thing would be good *sigh*. I know its not but I'll treat it like a death never to be seen again.
I let things consume me at times not knowing why I do things when I know I should stop if I take a step back I worry about situations. In my head I'm waiting for someone to scream at me. Things make me feel uncomfortable even things I say make me feel a little uncomfortable and the things I'm excited about I can't share yet do at times making things difficult for myself I think someone or many people may tell me to go away some are. Money is tight I feel I can't keep up with myself or others I think of the future it scares me. I'm in a situation that may explode soon that I have every right to be upset about but I can't say a thing I don't want to hurt my friend which could make things worse for me as well I cross my fingers hoping everything will be okay but I know something will blow up soon. I seek advice I research things but I wish I could talk to someone comfortably about questions I have but I don't... its hard to find someone I can trust with the questions I want to ask I know a lot of people probably face the same problem I do. I guess I'm hating some laughing at me when I don't know something like terms or sex stuff I've always felt behind as a teenager for instance only the last 2 or 3 years did I really figure out what "putting out" meant I knew it was a sex/relationship/romance related thing but never knew what it truly meant so I would just laugh along in my head thinking I know nothing. Society perpetuates sex and this makes people like me feel anxious and panic making things worse. I'm slowly becoming confident with this new admitted sexuality and I guess at times I've got to shut my mouth but I'm all excited after hiding worried, anxious, scared of my loved ones friends and family feeling like I'm a different person but I guess me acting this way creates a different me I don't know. At times I get lonely with no motivation but to lay in bed getting up only when necessary like the other day I lay in bed just wanting to just ignore pop-culture that I need to catch up with which feels like study in itself because if I'm not up to date I can't keep up with conversation or have nothing to talk about since I have barely any appropriate conversation topics unless people are interested in abstract movies/world movies, abstract music, or indie games that bugger all people have heard of. I have a guilt like I'm not helping people, friends, housemate, family. I'm doing something I haven't done in weeks maybe this has built up I don't know I'm crying. I start my diary tonight to give to my psychologist which details muscle relaxation I hope it helps also talking about things I can and can't control in my life. Maybe I just want a companion I know it shouldn't define me but as I've learnt with life which really shouldn't apply here its just how I feel life is just...
Sometimes I feel this song is how I feel on my down days.
Mein Herz Brennt (My Heart Burns) - Mutter - Rammstein
I feel like I'm missing something. Feel a little hollow and bored. People are having fun guess I'm feeling anxious for the first time in a while. Since coming out I've slowly realized that I don't know much at all I'm doing my best to learn culture in that part of me. I know I don't have to know these things like terms and so on I don't have to follow trends and I don't plan on it either but I feel I don't know the basics and feel uncomfortable because of it. Guess I'm just anxious and a little lonely wanting someone in my life oh well. Guess it'll happen at some point.
The Madness & The Damage Done - Shining (Nor) - Blackjazz
Anger made me lash out I'm stuck going to a party I don't really want to go to by myself but now am. I'm being selfish and stuff and fucked up. Gah I'm a cunt sometimes. Work soon... cbf dealing with people today.
I feel like things are unfair with someone how it's be alright one way but not another. Things were awkward one is doing legwork while another does nothing I'm making an effort but get no reply what so ever people are coming to me going why is it like this and what am I to say? I have as much clue as the next person. I'm trying to get things to work and it seems nothing is happening on the other end. I get frustrated want to lock self in room but I don't. "They" tell others "Yeah... it was awkward" well I feel like shaking them and say do something about it come talk to me why must it always be me to try and fix things...
Every friendship I've ever had. I've been the strong one. Can't I be the weak one for once I feel I deserve it. Wish I had friends here instead of hanging onto others. It would be nice to call someone and go "hey you feel like coming over?" I feel that line....wait not feel.... that line has not been uttered once. *Sigh* I'll have another attempt at doing things I guess. I can't say anything because people will go blah well its not the same blah blah this blah and blah blah. I don't even care anymore if they don't understand I guess they never will it's too hard to explain.
Feeling kind of down over something I shouldn't. I feel like I've lost touch with someone I was once so close to and now I have no time to patch things up before it's too late. I guess I'm freaking out its something I have no control over. It's something I'll have to learn to except I guess I strangely still have false hope arghhh just feel a little stupid I guess. I'll be right just need to vent I guess...
Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra - Making Mirrors
I feel more alive, more grown up, free. I can admit my eye still has one in mind but I'm not going to let it get to me. I feel like a fire is burning inside me.
A new adventure begins for me I'm nearly out and proud. Well I'm proud already.
