BENZIN!!!! / An Arched Pathway

I let things consume me at times not knowing why I do things when I know I should stop if I take a step back I worry about situations. In my head I'm waiting for someone to scream at me. Things make me feel uncomfortable even things I say make me feel a little uncomfortable and the things I'm excited about I can't share yet do at times making things difficult for myself I think someone or many people may tell me to go away some are. Money is tight I feel I can't keep up with myself or others I think of the future it scares me. I'm in a situation that may explode soon that I have every right to be upset about but I can't say a thing I don't want to hurt my friend which could make things worse for me as well I cross my fingers hoping everything will be okay but I know something will blow up soon. I seek advice I research things but I wish I could talk to someone comfortably about questions I have but I don't... its hard to find someone I can trust with the questions I want to ask I know a lot of people probably face the same problem I do. I guess I'm hating some laughing at me when I don't know something like terms or sex stuff I've always felt behind as a teenager for instance only the last 2 or 3 years did I really figure out what "putting out" meant I knew it was a sex/relationship/romance related thing but never knew what it truly meant so I would just laugh along in my head thinking I know nothing. Society perpetuates sex and this makes people like me feel anxious and panic making things worse. I'm slowly becoming confident with this new admitted sexuality and I guess at times I've got to shut my mouth but I'm all excited after hiding worried, anxious, scared of my loved ones friends and family feeling like I'm a different person but I guess me acting this way creates a different me I don't know. At times I get lonely with no motivation but to lay in bed getting up only when necessary like the other day I lay in bed just wanting to just ignore pop-culture that I need to catch up with which feels like study in itself because if I'm not up to date I can't keep up with conversation or have nothing to talk about since I have barely any appropriate conversation topics unless people are interested in abstract movies/world movies, abstract music, or indie games that bugger all people have heard of. I have a guilt like I'm not helping people, friends, housemate, family. I'm doing something I haven't done in weeks maybe this has built up I don't know I'm crying. I start my diary tonight to give to my psychologist which details muscle relaxation I hope it helps also talking about things I can and can't control in my life. Maybe I just want a companion I know it shouldn't define me but as I've learnt with life which really shouldn't apply here its just how I feel life is just...

Sometimes I feel this song is how I feel on my down days.

Mein Herz Brennt (My Heart Burns) - Mutter - Rammstein