Bodies / Cathedral Of Sleep / Silent Talking

Last few days I haven't been good I've sort solitude in my bed staring at a wall thinking about how I fuck things up how no one would want me or look at me. Regretting vulgar attitudes I use to feel like I can fit in when really I'm acting like a dick no one would ever want to me be with. I feel really uncomfortable most of the time feeling like I never pull my weight but have no energy to do anything. I tell myself I'm going to do this, this, and... this. The time comes and I just leave myself to sleep.

I try to think of ways to break my routine with love/relationships/sex whatever the fuck people call it I don't care anymore I just want a hug its always the same things I always say or think.

http://thelandofhumor.com/pic/1060/products/1058Damn,%20Not%20The%20Friend%20Zone%20Again...jpg

   

Blog posts are the same. I ruminate in a shitty negative abyss. Alone, feeling selfish, alienated, like I don't belong anywhere lost wondering around in life comparing ideals or what society wants me to be which I do a lot sometimes taking on pressures of what how I should be and act. Scared. Everyday I wait and wait for someone to have a go at me yell telling me to fuck off your being a cunt, bringing people down, you don't have problems, cheer up. I'm going to bed to cry wait for people to abuse me tomorrow the usual or something to kick me...it's been a while I'm due for something.....*sigh*

 A Drowning - How To Destroy Angels - How To Destroy Angels (Self Titled EP)

I'm Regulated / Ghost

I feel like shit how come I can have a good night with friends but still like I'm a piece of shit what's wrong with me I don't understand.

Alive & Kicking - Nonpoint - To The Pain

No Cars Go / 550 3108DC 24H365 / The Dire Razor

Sure I have a good time here but I can't help but feel so neglected from others that I was once so close. I can't say anything because if I do I sound like a depressed selfish mess and they'll bring up well one night you organized Melbourne and music blah blah blah blah. Some say speak up but logically I can see if I do I'll bite off more than I can chew creating a social shitstorm me in the eye of it in limbo on the outer till the "tribunal" makes a decision on my "place". Do I have to prove myself or what? Do I have to follow everyone till they go OK the foreign wolf can become one of our pack?

It all seems so dramatic what I writing but I guarantee those involved know what I mean or they'll go Justin's being a sensitive flower needing nurturing he can sit over there with Erin. OR what does he want us to do jeez?!!!!!

Guess I'm frustrated and get lonely at nights as well which can't be helped by anyone that's my problem no one else. If I didn't see a post I'd still feel lonely it just annoys me I get no messages, no replys, no calls, no invites to anything anymore. If I want to hang out I have to harass and when I do I feel uncomfortable and not in the circle unwanted by all in attendance. And why because I live 30 minutes away?

Flying Whales - Gojira - From Mars To Sirus

 

Ommited For Clarity / Spectrelight

Last night involved a broken man who has lost himself in a character he can't change or feels he can't change is it an excuse?....well no of course it isn't he can change as can most but yes I'll agree that to change ones self is hard. I was torn I knew what I saw was wrong so did my brother so did everyone so we all shut our mouth before we know it both involved is hurt along with collateral what started as a joke a few years ago pretty much has come to a head. Which is a good thing it was all too tiring. I'm a very loyal person keen to help friends no matter how far everyone drifts away from me I make an effort whether it be out of state, people suburbs away, out of the country, another planet...well you get the idea...

It was a fun night it all sounds so negative but it was really I can't explain how it went really it was a blur of change things chopping and changing even for the sober like myself involving the general public like always it does in Melbourne with my friends. I did have fun even if it was a bit fucked at times. Looking around things and events are obvious and with knowing people you can pick things up but how they roll out I guess is the surprise of life (Kill me for that generic bullshit line lol).

See You At The Show - Nickelback - The Long Road

 

The Wild Healer / How To Measure A Planet / Duality (9)

A night filled with drama, compassion, strength, reunions, & discovery. My head is pounding I haven't touched a drop of liquor all comes from loud music and drama. Blah. I'd really like to go into more depth but sleep is required I think.

Somebody Someone -  Korn - Issues

Demon League / G-I900

Why do I feel like I'm drowning life isn't that bad logically it really isn't so why do I feel like life is a waste I pull my car over some nights to cry then drive on. I feel I should seclude myself away from others who'd want to talk to me right? so I can get nervous make over the top sexual jokes to feel like I fit in with people when really I'm making the regular fool out of myself. Being all jaded and explicitly confident but really I'm just a shell of a person. I talk negatively pushing people away, or not talk. Just feel shit and lonely... sick of crying and feeling like I'm life's joke.

Doing My Duty - TV On The Radio - OK Calculator

Seaweed Farm / Spooks

Anger at myself is reflected in how I behave. I think I just want someone to talk feel I can't talk to anyone people have already just stopped talking to me. I guess I deserve it I'm as my friend says the good guy who plays the victim always wanting a crutch even though I tell myself and others I don't. Feel like some stereotypical cranky single hating on everything as well as being some horny virgin. All first world problem crap. Kind of lonely.

Khaos Legions

Never know what I want routine or chaos I crave chaos but am better at routine.

Heroes Of Our Time / Alien Young Lad

This may sound kind of dumb to some but I use music to get through my life it's something I love so it shouldn't be a shock to most who know me that one of my role models in life is a musician. I've only been a fan of this man for a bit maybe a year or two. That person would be one Canadian by the name of Devin Townsend but I won't bore you with me going why he is awesome musically because that's not what this blog is about. He's a role model to me because of what he has overcome in his past involving things like drugs, depression, peer pressures, self-image and how he chooses to openly reflect on his previous issues and what he has learned from people. As well as being himself in such a relaxed way never thinking negatively and wanting to help people and answer any question no matter how stupid and being an individual but not in a "ooo look at me hipster way". He's the kind of person I'd like to be in future years not to copy him by any means but to have those qualities which not to sound immodest but I like to think I have some of those qualities already just without the confidence.

Truth - Devin Townsend - Infinity

 

Detox / "Did a korean person die?" / City

Worlds have collided which I think is pretty cool. Sometimes I don't know what I want in life as a kid I had many dreams I would openly share over the years i've become more and more like a complex closed book. As a kid I wanted to be a chef, comedian, game tester, & screen writer. Over the years i've become more and more scared and confused about the future learning that its not as easy as I thought. I'm working towards surviving at the moment both emotionally, financially, & physically. Why do I insist on listening but not speaking about things. Why do I feel anxious about myself, image, and the future.

Working Man / Jon Hamms

Life is "just". This is a concept I grasped a few months ago. I still don't quite get it to be honest does it mean we endure, we enjoy, we love, we loathe, we wait, we discover. I guess it comes down to the meaning of life which is a bullshit philosophy that's infinite. I'm rambling I guess I'm confused is all.

Weird, but the same / Mountford

Routine gets tired sometimes I want something different but still familiar its hard to explain. To quote James Maynard "I know the pieces fit!"

Gdańsk / Headlong Flight

I have friends, family, an amazing housemate who goes by unappreciated by me to be honest, money coming in slowly, learning to slowly budget week-by-week sure I'm not saving but I'll worry about that later. I have friends overseas still keeping in contact with me in one way or another most days nice to know they are thinking of me. Life isn't that bad, so why can all I think about is her I shake my head physically just to try and lose the name it just hovers in my head why?!!!!!! I thought after a year of virtually no contact would help me.

Caravan - Rush - Clockwork Angels

 

Cray / Open Car VII

Some people are determined with things so much so that they can't seem to realise what's happening or going on I can't talk I'm guilty also. Best bet is to sit back and laugh I think as hard and dumb as it sounds.

Borgore / Dry Bone Valley(2)

Bones aching, throat sore, mind dull, head pounding, nose running and sore. Working was a whole new level of brilliant... *cough* (literally).

In a nut shell feel like death. Urghhhhhbbh blurgurghhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Scenes From A Memory / Freeze Dry Seal

Shaking and its my fault damn my memory grrrrr........ Tomorrow will be fun :/ zombie like and all. Feel empty like I'm missing something. Losing friends because of this shell I've formed around myself... I ruminate my head pounds in a physical and emotional way. I feel lonely but don't I guess. I don't know how I feel to describe it feel I threw away things I shouldn't feel bad about I look back at decisions I've made to make myself to be that "good/nice guy", "pushover", "victim". All words I've always been called by friends, strangers, family, work colleagues.

Would my life be better with no one in it...in a bubble sometimes I wonder if I was brought up not knowing a soul and walking around an empty world with the same luxuries. I see idiots online complain about their amazing lives while people I know suffer. I feel like living a lie has more positives than negatives maybe I should have kept my mouth shut with everything in my life others could do without my dumb opinions.

Slow Chemical - Finger Eleven - The Punisher Soundtrack

 

A Scratch / No Different

Mixed feelings I'm happy but feel unfulfilled like somethings missing in my life a piece that I should be able to live without but lingers in the background I'm being nostalgic playing games that ate my teen years things I used to make me forget which is working again. I'm waiting for people to shout at me its something since I was a kid have been used to and am usually right about. I'm angry and want to shout but know its a bad idea to do so. Sometimes I grind my teeth with things and my mind will say its not worth it don't say anything or get involved

I feel like I'm behind with things or out of the loop. I feel desperate. I don't know I'm happy least I think I am. I could go on...

Combustion / Club Sandwich

I got an apology today feel like saying its kinda too late. But I would like to use this post to thank 3 amazing girls who have kept me sane the last 2 months and to wish awesome fun in the land of fast food. I'm exhausted.

Final Fantasy X / Ommadawn

I'll just cry... wondering why I can't get over her after this long nothing but pathetic. Sat in my car for half hour when I rocked home just staring at the roof of my car for no reason wondering why after everything she wouldn't even let me say goodbye. I know alot of people have their opinions on her and everything but all I wanted was to say goodbye maybe give her a card and a hug that's it just 5-10 minutes sure longer maybe lunch would have been nice but I'd be happy with 10 minutes. Feel tired, head throbbing, hungry.

Watch The World Burn - Trivium - In Waves

 

Projectile Vomit

I'm sick of crying today I did small tasks whatever I could to deter my mind once I stop I cry I'm exhausted a friend tried talking to me about it today I had to stop them its too hard...

I know this person hasn't been much of a friend recently but she has meant a lot to me in the past i've had such good memories I just want 10 minutes to say goodbye. Just want to say goodbye....

Landfill / sigh

Not even a response. Losing a friend is shit. I wrote whole bunch of stuff before my phone crashed. Why am I the good guy the guy who gets stepped on, pushed aside, taken advantage of, forgotten... Because I have no attitude, no spunk, no spark. Anxiety gets me in a state scared wanting to be away.

Bed Thoughts...

Ideas...dreams...prospects fade for all around me. Feels like I'm waiting for things

Bon Fire / Total Make Destroy

Life feels unpredictable yet predictable. I shut myself off as I know people are getting sick of me talking so I bottle things up and keep to myself and try not to bother people I try to do small odd jobs for people in the hopes people notice. Everyday I seem more tired than the last yet I do nothing about it till I'm pushed like I'm dependent in a way kind of pathetic. I've gone silent to some people as I don't want to think I'm treating them as an emotional crutch because I know that's a shit feel.

I stay up knowing I have to be up early to get things done.

7 Words - Deftones - Adrenaline

 

Innervision / The Black Halo

Last night I had such a terrifying dream I dreamt I flew off the handle drove like a maniac of a bridge, was being choked by my brother, while everyone stared, lost control of my own body and mind. Just felt real and scary.

Today I was tired all day, anxious aswell feeling like a screw up I do my best to ignore these feelings and do something else but sometimes they get the better. I feel i've shut myself off from people I don't want them being angry with me. Today was a blah day i've probably forgotten something aswell

Hectic, Crazy, Insane, Unexpected / Eventful is the Word

Over a weekend I've seen a man bashed to a bloody pulp some thought he may have died at the time. I've witnessed friends attacked. I've had an apology from someone so unexpected. Confronted with a new world. Hearing people blame themselves for things about me brought to tears I've been told by friends.

Last few days so much has happened I haven't listed everything... Don't think I have processed things my self yet...

Mysterious Semblance At The Strand Of Nightmares / Raider Acceleration

The other night I met a strange man that I was introduced to by lovely depressed acquaintance of mine (sorry I couldn't hear your entire story I'll catch up with you next time that's a promise) who he had met that night aswell. I didn't catch his name but he seemed interested in an adventure he had taken the week off work carrying nothing but the essentials and a tent with sleeping bag. He wanted to meet new people and see where his life would go without structure. He seemed keen to know me and said do you mind if I give my honest first impression of you in just this short span of conversation we had already had. He said that I seemed to be very honest, and the "good guy" with a lot of empathy, who's quite unlucky, and smart.

I was a little shocked.

Probably not interesting of a story to others but it was to me. I feel like I'm gasping for air at the moment and waiting for the thing or abuse.

Drowning In Slow Motion - Trivium - In Waves (Special Edition)