Mission Statement / Christmas Mourning

I find myself thinking of what my life would be life if I ever had the ability to change some variables an argument first ever brought to my attention by the man Steven Wilson in his film "Insurgentes" where he would discuss a what if scenario, what would his life and music career be like if he was born 10 years earlier to begin making his music at a time that was revolutionary in terms of the idea that music was an album prime example being Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side Of The Moon" would he still be as successful or even be in the music industry...But never mind that I have been wondering how my life would be if I just jumped back like 7 years or so in an era where my ideals match those of that age group or if I was born into a different family in a different place considering my parents are radically different to what I want and Geelong well.... its full mostly of derps. I still love my mum and my family but it makes me wonder....(Queue Stairway to Heaven).

Caught Somewhere In Time (Iron Maiden Cover) - Madina Lake - Maiden Heaven

Message To Harry Manback / Flood

Procratination is a harsh mistress full of fun, built up stress, and sadness all these mixed feelings  but still I enjoy procrastination so much ily procrastination.

At the moment I don't really care too much about anything I just want everything to be over. The work, the study, the crying I hate it. I miss her I really want to hold her I know I shouldn't why.....Fuck off feelings go away the answer was no accept it!!!

The truth is I'm trying to press on with life acting like nothing happened but putting on this happy face is so fucking hard there was points today where I was ready to burst into tears in front of people, but I was strong and pressed on yay happy happy happy.... JUST END.....FFS

It Never Ends - Bring Me The Horizon - There Is A Hell Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is A Heaven Let's Keep It A Secret (Perfomed In Geelong I Was There)

 

Raider II / Pigeon Beater

Floating in limbo is a strange sensation I don't know what to feel its just... I don't know how to finish that sentence I don't know....

What do?.... Maybe I need to get into shape to fit into this shallow game of love. I had a great day in the surf despite fucking foot up and complaining to friends about it till I dislodged a big arse rock stuck under my skin, but it was good exercise. I'll admit going to such a place stirs some good memories I'll try to forget but I do like the beach personally also for myself also. I have been good I have not watched a certain film in 3 weeks and listened to a certain song in 3 weeks aswell which I will maintain a little longer cos I do think it is a good movie in its own right same with the song being from the lips of Steven Wilson of course.

What to do with life I kinda just don't care as much as I should. I will admit since distraction has entered my life I'm no longer.... laying in my bed all day crying. I'm hoping I reach a point where I hit a total realization with an answer for what to do, I don't know what, whether it be love...work....social, something to change how I am for the better but I guess I need to work to reach this point it won't just happen. Still total infatuation drags me down I will admit I'd do anything to see a smile from her it is quite beautiful......OK, OK I'll stop.......So pretty....STOP

Carry Me Over - Avantasia - The Scarecrow

 

Sleep of No Dreaming

Nothing, numb, consumed. It won't happen stop these thoughts please fuck off... Is she really that perfect in your mind? There are other fish in the sea... or is she the one and I fucked up when I met her, I guess that kind of thought is bullshit but all scenarios spinning through my brain.I'll cry and sleep don't mind me world I'm just a number, personality don't matter. [NOTE: I wrote this last night I'm feeling better now see new post that will be up shortly]

Dictionary Of Handwriting / Oh, Hello Spiral

This sucks I want everything back the way it was, I don't wanna work (but really need the money) I'd rather stay home and sulk on bed all night till I'm too tired to continue and fall asleep. I went to a party full of people I really don't care about (not all of them some are great people) just standing in not even looking interested in anything they are talking about cos I wasn't, we are just too different now to what i was those years ago in high school. I feel as if everything I've done up to this point has been a waste of time like when I have my 21st in November will anyone go out of their way to come or will they go "its just him". I hate the fact my brain is right, the reason why I went to this party was for one reason and one reason only to see one person the second I lay eyes on her I feel like I'm on a high I can't come down from..... but not tonight, tonight brain tells me "Please don't, its not worth it". I think I like my heart better even if it is stupid at times.

Nearly 21 years of being single..... I guess it is just me its a shallow game out there. All I really have is I'm caring, a great listener, and committed nothing attractive.

Forty Six & 2 - Tool - Ænima

 

City Of Delusion / High Hopes In Eclipse

Have been trying to figure out my sudden happy high(its too good to be true lol) first I thought it may be a housing situation but once I discovered it was to come with a catch which would normally bring me right down again....I found I was still happy then I came to a sad realization I'm happy cos I'm seeing someone I shouldn't be in close proximity to and two nights in a row and being told "I'm only going to see you" the realization I may soon become full circle...... I am a bad. Is it because I have nothing else I'm clinging to short straws hoping for more knowing that it won't happen in my head saying its probably for the best to just lay in bed and cry than make it worse which is right. But at the same time this person knows exactly that and offers to stay home and not attend said social gatherings in question for the good of me, I can't say you can't come its just selfish on my behalf but I must say I love the fact that my friend would go to such lengths to make me better and being quite understanding and making an effort to overcome my problem cos that's what this is MY PROBLEM.

So...... I guess I'll put on a facade appeal to peers to say "hey I'm normal i don't feel like just breaking down smile smile smile did they look at me funny quick make a joke errrrrr ummm......AIDS". Fucking hurdles why life, why you be so derp. Urghhh life be sucks at the moment I kinda wish one please take these feelings away please......I want my friendship back the way it was it sucks I can't hang with one of my long term friends(I miss the silence and comfort I feel around you) I kinda like the lie i was living("The lie is love") even though I know it was going to send ("Love the LIE!!!" *shakes fist*) into eventually a clinically depressed state which I'm probably in now sadly. I really am trying to overcome this but it feels like im climbing a kick arse slide the top being me made it through all my personal bullshit, or just turning around since I can't wait/cbf climbing those stairs and just riding it down quickly and thinking I should have kept climbing.

Also to a selfish friend out there your friend needed you tonight and you didn't listen to him he really needed someone to support him and you fulfilled your desires(briefly i might add) just because you can't comprehend the traumatic drama doesn't mean you couldn't have listened and just gone home he clearly was uncomfortable in that environment and was scared. I know its hard to understand but just baby steps and he'll be right by your side again to live the life you wanted to live tonight. To my poor friend I know I'll never understand what you have been through I love the fact the experience has taught you a lesson despite the results it gave you and the physical pain I know you won't read this but I am proud of your change, you are an inspiration for my change even though my pain was no where near as life threatening or disabling.

Octavarium (Excerpt [PART IV Intervals] - Dream Theater - Octavarium

Our deadly sins feel his mortal wrath
Remove all obstacles from our path

Asking questions
Search for clues
The answer's been right in front of you

Try to break through
Long to connect
Fall on deaf ears and failed muted breath

Loyalty, trust, faith and desire
Carries love through each darkest fire

Tortured Insanity
A smothering hell
Try to escape but no avail

The calls of admirers
Who claim they adore
Drain all your lifeblood while begging for more

Innocent victims of merciless crimes
Fall prey to some madmen's impulsive designs

Step after step
We try controlling our fate
When we finally start living it has become too late

Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium

FULL SONG HERE IF INTERESTED

 

Narayana

It's funny I have a lot of friends but not many I'd go to and talk about anything serious. Like the fact that I keep this blog relatively secret because of solely one individual and I will continue to keep it a secret because truth be told despite my current feelings towards this person that is sending me through my own personal hell that person means the world to me as a friend and I don't want to create a social hell for that person this is my problem and I don't want to create problems for that person. I never thought my life would reach this low especially because of a girl when I was young I never believed that "love" could have this much impact on a person and their actions, I thought it was complete bullshit, I now take them right the fuck back....yeah I was very wrong.

Maybe I should stop thinking a little of self image, its a little hard since we all have a thing in the back of your mind (well I do personally) saying "What will people think?". Like how I don't know if it's just me but the whole unspoken thing between guys where generally even though we are friends we will not discuss ones feelings and personal problems that's why we have female friends its all a bunch of bullshit, saying that I personally am a big follower of this unspoken rule.

Wish I could lose these feelings rather than waking up everyday and staring at the wall for 5 hours then proceeding to go to uni pale as china white looking like I'm going to faint and be distant to close friends they don't deserve that....

Strip The Soul - Porcupine Tree - In Absentia(Lyrics refer to what I want to do to thoughts atm)

This is my home, this is my own, we don't like no strangers
Raise the kids good, beat the kids good and tie them up
Spread it wide, my wife, my life, push the camera deeper
I can use, I abuse, my muse, I made them all

This machine
Is there to please
Strip the soul
Fill the hole
A fire to feed
A belt to bleed
Strip the soul
Kill them all

They are not gone, they are not gone, they are only sleeping
In graves, in ways, in clay, underneath the floor
Building walls, overalls, getting bored, I got faulty wiring
Brick it up now, brick it up now, but keep the bones

The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway

Ok, this is it I'm out there I'm ready well sorta.... But willing I'm determined to find that special someone in my life go out there find someone new or push for something familiar either way whoever this person is they will get a loving boyfriend who will try and help them anyway I can. I'm going to tackle my personal issues head on where possible.

Will have to step out of comfort zone talk to new people at events that I would normally turn my nose up at. I still refuse to club it just seems soulless, I love conversation and you just don't get that at a club with music blasting over you and everyone else.

Incoming - Sydonia - Given To Destroyers(Incoming Bitches!)

43% Burnt / Sugar Coated Sour

Do girls not like the nice guy? this is a question I've asked myself many times when I decide "Nah this can't be the case" some piece of evidence helps prove that question right. Does a guy have come off as over confident, cocky, & arrogant to get a girl or at least most girls. All I do is be honest, listen to people, and try to get to know someone and not even for a relationship sometimes just to make friends and girls read this as "oh, he just wants to get in my pants" has the male stereotype got to the point of no return now? Can this change? because I for one am doing my best to let girls see that we are not all sex craved obsessed losers and arseholes. I'm not saying girls are perfect either I know I've met some girls that bring my opinion of you down too (Looks cautiously for law students).

Falling To Pieces - Faith No More - The Real Thing

 

Southampton Dock

Life, Love, Depression, other stereotypical blogging subjects. All things that bring us highs and lows why must the lows make us crash to the point of being disabled where highs feel like a rush that seem to end like in your skydive it feels like forever when its happening then a sudden stop to grind you to a holt("STEVE HOLT!") , Something will appear that will that will just push the ladder over and make you climb again but with a broken limb. I can say, I've been good this weekend saying no to an invitation that in the past I would say yes too no matter the consequences or emotional pain afterwards. Fuck these feelings go away why do you drag me down I want to be high in spirit not low. Why must I be afraid why can't I just jump......wait for it.......into an opportunity that I want, Why am I scared of the unknown and change.

I think I need to work on my social awkwardness its coming to a point where I think its hindering personal growth and needs urgent attention. But I also wonder if my occupation effects my first impression to the point where even if I gave up my job a girl would never consider me boyfriend material cos I willingly subjected myself to that environment despite knowing the true facts about me like the fact that I am a virgin to most people who meets me shock, and am looking simply for a girl to be in a relationship with that I can hold, listen to, and have fun with.

Way Out Of Here - Porcupine Tree - Fear Of A Blank Planet

Nosferatu

Few days into "change" of myself & I find myself accomplishing my study patterns so that's a plus but I find myself torn and worried of outcomes with my lovelife(or lack there of) and social life. Which leaves me to wonder does a person ever truly get over a person or will there always be a thing in the back of my head saying things could either happen one day, or give it time this will go away soon I promise lol. Nothing but loops of my own constant behavior of my own dumb fears fear of rejection, loss of friend(s), coming onto strong scaring them off.

Appropriate Song Is Approriate:

Dazed & Confused

Last few days have been strange involving reinvention with a little push from a good friend of mine and worrying thoughts about another. This all began when a fellow work mate approached me saying "If you ever need to talk you know you can...." also to go on saying last few weeks I've looked "depressed" and quite "gloomy" when I heard this something snapped I don't want to mope around I want this to change, I will make this happen, I need to focus on my studies, I need to find a girlfriend there is no sense moping around all the time over a girl that's in love with someone else she wants you to move on so make an effort to. I am going to do this, I have to do this, It will happen. I won't lie last 5 weeks have been hard and this change may make it worse but I say BRING IT THE FUCK ON!

I've got myself a new look a little like Milhouse (At least I'm a meme yeah?) I've started to jump into something just not sure how to approach the situation i want to just say what I want, just don't know if its a good idea since said person in question may not know me well enough to know what I'm like. But I guess... I don't even know I'm going to attempt to start a standard work day routine and study my arse off for the next few weeks social life may suffer a little but this thing needs to be achieved I did it today actually felt so amazing.

I think that the following song and lyrics sum up my realization on how to tackle my life from now on....

Metalingus - Alter Bridge - One Day Remains

I've been defeated and brought down
Dropped to my knees when hope ran out
The time has come to change my ways

On this day I see clearly everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all, leave it all behind

I'll never long for what might have been
Regret won't waste my life again
I won't look back
I'll fight to remain:

On this day I see clearly everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all, leave it all behind

On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive

Fear will kill me, all I could be
Lift these sorrows
Let me breathe, could you set me free
Could you set me free

On this day I see clearly everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all behind
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive