City Of Delusion / High Hopes In Eclipse

Have been trying to figure out my sudden happy high(its too good to be true lol) first I thought it may be a housing situation but once I discovered it was to come with a catch which would normally bring me right down again....I found I was still happy then I came to a sad realization I'm happy cos I'm seeing someone I shouldn't be in close proximity to and two nights in a row and being told "I'm only going to see you" the realization I may soon become full circle...... I am a bad. Is it because I have nothing else I'm clinging to short straws hoping for more knowing that it won't happen in my head saying its probably for the best to just lay in bed and cry than make it worse which is right. But at the same time this person knows exactly that and offers to stay home and not attend said social gatherings in question for the good of me, I can't say you can't come its just selfish on my behalf but I must say I love the fact that my friend would go to such lengths to make me better and being quite understanding and making an effort to overcome my problem cos that's what this is MY PROBLEM.

So...... I guess I'll put on a facade appeal to peers to say "hey I'm normal i don't feel like just breaking down smile smile smile did they look at me funny quick make a joke errrrrr ummm......AIDS". Fucking hurdles why life, why you be so derp. Urghhh life be sucks at the moment I kinda wish one please take these feelings away please......I want my friendship back the way it was it sucks I can't hang with one of my long term friends(I miss the silence and comfort I feel around you) I kinda like the lie i was living("The lie is love") even though I know it was going to send ("Love the LIE!!!" *shakes fist*) into eventually a clinically depressed state which I'm probably in now sadly. I really am trying to overcome this but it feels like im climbing a kick arse slide the top being me made it through all my personal bullshit, or just turning around since I can't wait/cbf climbing those stairs and just riding it down quickly and thinking I should have kept climbing.

Also to a selfish friend out there your friend needed you tonight and you didn't listen to him he really needed someone to support him and you fulfilled your desires(briefly i might add) just because you can't comprehend the traumatic drama doesn't mean you couldn't have listened and just gone home he clearly was uncomfortable in that environment and was scared. I know its hard to understand but just baby steps and he'll be right by your side again to live the life you wanted to live tonight. To my poor friend I know I'll never understand what you have been through I love the fact the experience has taught you a lesson despite the results it gave you and the physical pain I know you won't read this but I am proud of your change, you are an inspiration for my change even though my pain was no where near as life threatening or disabling.

Octavarium (Excerpt [PART IV Intervals] - Dream Theater - Octavarium

Our deadly sins feel his mortal wrath
Remove all obstacles from our path

Asking questions
Search for clues
The answer's been right in front of you

Try to break through
Long to connect
Fall on deaf ears and failed muted breath

Loyalty, trust, faith and desire
Carries love through each darkest fire

Tortured Insanity
A smothering hell
Try to escape but no avail

The calls of admirers
Who claim they adore
Drain all your lifeblood while begging for more

Innocent victims of merciless crimes
Fall prey to some madmen's impulsive designs

Step after step
We try controlling our fate
When we finally start living it has become too late

Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium

FULL SONG HERE IF INTERESTED