Last 2 days were amazing especially tonight went out to a lovely sit down dinner in Melbourne then quietly sipped away at drinks while having a great conversation with people I don't usually get to have in depth discussions with it was nice. As well has discovering I may have a new foe who likes me for my gentleness and protective kindness its good to know that girls notice that sort of thing sometimes I felt that people just don't care for that anymore. Positive List over 2 days
Opeth Concert
Got to hang out with my brother
Got to hang with awesome former & current work mates
Quiet drinks & dinner in Melbourne
Hearing a former co-worker friend of mine is seeking help and getting his life on track
Picked up a good quiet shift at work tomoz
Hearing about a New Challenger
Learn of solo Steven Wilson live release
Quiet drinks were great I wish some closer friends would do that more often its nice to just sit down not be loud and talk about serious things openly in a comfortable setting out and a about at a quiet venue and not getting drunk just having one or two drinks like we were. Last two days have been great I hope it continues I felt I needed that little boost felt like i was just being dragged and kicked for a while without mercy.
I'd like to begin by commenting on an post I saw today referring to anti-depressants.... To this person I know you have your reasons for not approving of the drugs but at the end of the day maybe that person you know who has been on them 5+ years also without ongoing therapy, you can't take a drug that effects your body & mind therefore influencing your behavior with out seeing someone about your psychological problems and ongoing behavior who is impartial to all of it to get a fresh perspective. The drugs I am taking are prescribed by both a medical and psychological practitioner and am being seen ongoing for monitoring of any relapses or irregularities in my personality and behavior and I am keeping an open mind to it all and taking advice and criticism to how I am behaving around others. To hopefully improve myself I won't be on them forever I can assure you and neither should the person you know either unless she has something other than depression I don't know about. Depression in my opinion especially after experiencing and still experiencing it needs to have more education to the topic its quite serious and quite treatable aswell.
OK positive list.....
Saw a friend from high school he did a small tweak on my car now it runs a hell of a lot better
Had dinner at my grandparents house
Picked up a random shift to clean on tuesday for money I badly need at the moment
Got a positive mention from a close friend
Got a phone call from my former awesome boss
I have to say something someone I know is behaving to very, I repeat very sexist and rude for a while I thought it was just harsh jokes referring to the opposite sex now I see it for what it is he can say its not but I think otherwise he was really rude to some close friends and co-workers tonight and they are lovely people. I get you don't want to give money can't you polite about it like most people at least try to be. Gah then try have a crack at a friend of mine who I am sorta up and down about in a blunt way that may actually get him somewhere. At the end of the day strippers are lovely people (most of them not all) who are just ordinary people(most of them) like you or me try and at least be polite I know the career is quite controversial but most of them don't particularly love it either so just try and keep an open mind and at least treat them with the same respect they give you.
Today has been fairly average just nothing at all and me being lazy and quiet. At least I have Opeth Later Can't Wait :).
Wow this thing has hit 500 views... Today I rolled out of bed late made some epic sandwiches for an amazing picnic that ended up in a food fight all in good fun except for one person who takes it too far to the point where it seems physically violent. On to this list thing and stuff...
Picnic with close friends followed by food fight
Having a laugh with bar tenders after work
Having a conversation with a former worker
Seeing a glimmer of hope for reforming an amazing friendship
Last one especially made me happy I know its bad but I like having a little hope in my heart as corny as it sounds give it time maybe 3-4 months and we can be back to the way things were. I'll try and keep my self in check.
Today was different I contacted some old friends to help them and for support for myself which I'm told I need right now just till I get on my feet I've dropped back a step I'll admit. Work was surprisingly hectic for a Thursday which scares me for the weekend I'll cope it'll just be hard work. Positive list blah 8 blah you get the idea now:
Dancer bought me a Cherry Dr.Pepper like she always does
Got my computer up and running and working
Got to hang with brother
Had tea with Mum
Got an email from someone I've dying to hear from
This time of the year is hell so hectic can't wait till its over and I can feel relaxed again so I can focus on me rather than money as well as me. At the moment I have a blank mind and am confused as to what life will bring whether it will let me soar or just cut me down as always I really hope the first one happens I could use a break right.
Today was strange I woke up in rush to be told "We made a mistake...." which pissed me off considering how I rushed nearly out of breath and lacking any nutrition and lack of sleep (my fault). I go home back to bed wake at 4:30pm sleeping the day away. I did get to hang out with some friends for most of tonight which was fun. Before I get off track I'll write my positive list:
Sat down to table to eat dinner with friends
Watched TV with friends
Good Chat with a friend
Triple J Hottest 100 voting preparation
Its strange but I always thoroughly enjoy sorting through this years music to come to my Top 10 of the year even if some of it doesn't make it to the actual 100 I enjoy musical reflection I find it fun even if it does sound sad. Tonight I sit in a silent lounge room one cos I lost the media centre remote lol and two because its better than being in my room. Yesterday I got advised to get more help from youth experts on my condition and have them listen to me rather than burden some of my amazing friends who don't deserve to be brought down by me and my stupid shit. Apart from this gloomy shit I have mentioned above I do have things to look forward too such as Christmas picnic with close friends Friday night, Opeth on Sunday night, Dinner/Karaoke on Monday night. I'm just a little up and down I know sorry to those close who I talk to about things and get fed up with my shit I gather I'm a pain....
Is Your Love Strong Enough - How To Destroy Angels - The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack (US Film)
Today I made a statement that I thought was harmless and actually innocent....well I was talking about violence and gangs so not really "innocent" and someone took it as a personal attack if this person is reading this I'm sorry you read it that way it honestly wasn't my intention to refer to something else. Now to return to positive exercise I started yesterday lets see if I can hit 8 today:
A random stranger on the street gave me the rest of his unpaid parking ticket
Got invited to movies (shawtee)
Got to hang in a comfortable environment with close friends
My Nanna bought me new works pants
Chilled out playing Beat Hazard (which nearly clocked) and more Rescue Me
The first one on that list actually restored a little faith in the common man which those know me....know I have a vendetta against man in my mind.It sucks I'm poor so I couldn't see a bad movies with one faction of my friends oh well at least I got to watch a bad movie with another faction of friends such a scary horror film brrrr.... gives me chills every time that horse has a close-up shot. Going to bed late tonight and I gotta get up early shit son....
Castellorizon / On An Island [Live] - David Gilmour - Live In Gdansk
I was given an experiment the other day so I thought I'd try it now listing 8 things that are positive about today. So here it goes:
I got to hang with my brother
Had an awesome quick salad
Watched an episode of Rescue Me
Said hey to a mate from high school quickly
Got to take a look at IRL stalking joke I had with some friends
Couldn't think of 8 things honestly..... *sigh* I wasted today laying in bed again I wasn't as emotional but still had my moments of weakness. I'm just sleeping days away its not good. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment hopefully she can shed some medical light as to what I can do to help myself despite the fact I know the answer is going to be only you can help yourself.
I did start getting back into Rescue Me a great drama that tackles big issues and how people deal with them quite amazing really it deals with death, homosexuality, 9/11 disaster and families left behind, divorce, domestic violence, alcoholism, & post-traumatic stress its just done so well with the occasional joke to lighten the mood every now and again I highly recommend it who who would have thought Denis Leary could play such a role its reminiscent of Bryan Cranston's role on Breaking Bad even though Rescue Me came first but I saw this second so fuck you guy!
C'mon C'mon - The Von Blondies - Pawn Shoppe Heart (Rescue Me Theme Song)
Its funny how things can come back on you I once told a girl that I didn't want to lay some information on someone because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't talk to anyone about it as it's personal & quite confronting.... then what happens turns out I gave myself that feeling, feeling like I have no one to talk to even though I do I'm just weird and a little fucked up. Yesterday was one of the worse day's of my life just depressing, isolated, quiet, alone, crying to the point of physical exhaustion scared to talk or be around anyone as I don't want to bring people down. Throughout my life I have always felt that friends use me when down to make themselves feel better as a comparison and also because I'm told I'm a great listener then once they overcome their problems whether it be get a relationship, or something they have striving for an extensive peroid, a breakup, a death, all of the sad down times in peoples lives I get shoved to the side till a time like that crops up again. I can't say it feels great to have thoughts like that always running through my head waiting for those close to drop me to see them coming back in tears...Like I won't lie it does feel good to feel I can be trusted because I am trustworthy at least I think (always second guessing self arghhh). At the same time I'm so fucked up when close friends become happy I become bitter, jealous wishing my life had some long term happiness because everything at the moment the second I become happy something comes to kick me whether it be a speeding fine, or something to make me feel anxious, or someone leaving my life, or a close friend ending up in hospital to bring me right back down. Why life? why kick me? I put in for everyone I know I put in a lot of effort whether anyone notices is a different story. I really try hard and get close to nothing in return. Being isolated and alone sucks I can't take it I just break down I don't know what to do with myself can I please just have a break please PLEASE what do I have to do. I am currently waiting on friends to pick me up maybe if I try and smile things will change I hope they do. Its times like these I wish I could feel nothing and be a heartless jerk of a guy sucks that I'm not or maybe be a religious man and put it down to "god's" plan just to blame something. I miss my friend I know that's bad but it's how I feel. One more plea.... Please life I'm trying hard give me something to cheer me up I hate being this way...
I hate crying in the middle of the day its just terrible, I have things to do...well should be doing but I think instead I'll sleep or cry it out in my room. Why must I feel so shit why.... urghhhh don't know what to do today...
Hmmmm.... what to write, what to do tomorrow that costs fuck all money but is fun.... don't wanna sit at home may see who wants to go to the beach if the weathers good or just to hang I don't care doesn't always have to be there. I want to get away from this room anyway possible I'll figure something out . I'll have another attempt at contacting someone heh I never do that.....
Feel a little alone at the moment I'm not gonna lie, *sigh* I'll just fap then sleep try to forget that fact. A quick mention you namedropping sponges are pathetic and pityful. Also RIP. Alan Styles.
Way Out Of Here [Live] - Porcupine Tree - Anesthetize
Today has been miserable woke up at midday went to the lounge to watch some mediocre television so I wouldn't sit in my room moping around and possibly crying urghhh.... A friend called me on something I do that I actually don't really like but I guess I do it to make fun of something I've never experienced sigh and built up in my mind. I lay sweaty on the couch just staring into space occasionally watching the TV for a laugh other housemate sitting there doing the same. I worry about finances and hate my job but I can't leave cos I need to pay rent and other bills which are still unpayed. I keep thinking of a friend that won't speak to me it sucks she's still all I can think about most days I want them out of my head but easy said than done I am really trying I really, really am. I eventually pick myself have a shitty microwave dinner be all out of it to put it nicely in front of everyone I encounter. Get to work don't even care am tired and shitty, I drop 40 stubbies, all smashed to make my day even better I just scream "FUCK THIS" and smash one of the only stubbies not left smashed then clean up all with about 30 people watching I just didn't give a fuck to be honest at that point and sat down upstairs before I do something else stupid in my state which was probably one of the best things I did was sit back and calm down. But I will say this tonight I would have been worse if it wasn't for the dancers constantly supporting me without them noticing it they are all unit constantly supporting one another including me I can't thank them enough especially Tabitha, Sugar/Harry/Meagan, Zoe, Roxy, & Sophie... I know I can stir them up a bit but we have fun :). I'm glad today is over nothing but shit and depressing glad its DONE!!!
RIP. Dimebag Darrell 7 Years yesterday you were taken away
Being appropriate is something I think I am generally quite good at I think knowing whats acceptable and what's not most of the time. I can admit when it comes to the internet I can be a little crazy as to what I post sometimes these days it seems the internet has become personal to a lot of people despite the fact that essentially the internet is still a public forum i know there are certain settings but essentially what feedback you get after it is generally your responsibility and how you take it is up to you I know there is some random outliers I'm not debating that. What you post on the internet anywhere is public is what I'm getting at... you wanna make a scene? make a scene then just don't complain about shit afterwards because essentially that's retarded.
Now I got my rant outta the way.... today I came to a realization that I'm useless to anyone in this state so I want to change myself I want to work at myself somehow and start seeing results slowly I still haven't forgotten what I said the other day I need to do it one step at a time. This morning early rise, walk, nap, beach getting exercise is great I'll be fit in no time hopefully :) just gotta keep at it.
Today was good it did remind me how poor I am but remained distracted throughout so that was nice the problem is I know I can't rely on people to hold my hand all the time but at the moment I'm comfortable the way I am I know others who are distracting me who don't realize my condition at all and don't read this as they are unaware of its existence you are good people willing to spend time with me and it is greatly appreciated I will always remember those who have helped and listened to me in these trying times for myself anyway. All of you are great. I'll admit I'm still not 100% I'm still having random crying episodes at night but your support has not gone unnoticed I will repay you anyway I can later. Tomorrow I have more distractions things to do will try and tackle the money situation and other stuff I actually have a lot to do see what I can and cannot get done I won't get it all done but I'll get one or two things done I'm starting to understand something my psychologist said try not to tackle everything at once it will make things worse at the end of the day I have to start taking that seriously its like a pattern of incidents it'll be hard but I'll try to take that on board see how it goes.
On The Backs Of Angels - Dream Theater - A Dramatic Turn Of Events
I currently lay in bed wondering what to do I'm all QQ about things I so impatient at the moment I don't whats caused this I was content well not really content more tolerable about things for 20 years don't know whats changed now. I wish I wasn't alone yet I don't want to leave my room but at the same time I know it would do some good to leave my room I may see if one of my friends are up for a night walk if not I'll just sleep. I feel like shit. I'm just bitter towards everything and everyone, I'm jealous towards everything and everyone. Today all I have done is lay in bed not necessarily sleeping just staring at the walls I thought I was getting better maybe I'm getting worse fucking hell. I judge every tiny detail about everything when I have nothing but an empty bed a quiet room and all I do is try to forget everything going on in my life.
I have to be careful how am at times currently in my life at times I get quite bitter and angry at the world I feel is screwing me over at times when its really not I'm just being sensitive and consequently I'm being a dick to people I look back later at my behavior and just shake my head. Last night was a little crazy to the point where I was physically exhausted falling asleep on the bar itself lol. I still cannot believe how drunk my former boss was and how amazingly crazy it was haha and I never thought I'd see the day him getting kicked out of Alley Cat that is fucking hilarious. I was kind of bold at times kind of looked needy gah.....
This morning I wake curious so I open a love letter that I wrote last year one of many written to one person but never given this was the one I gave to her to come to the realization that I still feel the same... except many things have changed since then I've become a little more impatient I want things to happen... and I'm not retarded I know things won't happen with this person I know I have to deal with it, it is hard I hate laying bed thinking about her but what can I do I don't know I'll probably run into her tonight. I have a situation arising well it has been there a while alwas feel skeptical towards this person as how I choose to handle it because if I'm wrong things can go badly for other things plus its always a hell of a lot stronger with a facade in place which always makes me wonder plus how this person goes about things tends to fuck with me a little. Last night I came to the realization I want out of work....I do love that place to death I just want to drastically want to cut down shifts and responsibility that I have but at the same time I need to make that amount a week to live so I'll be doing some searching this week or at least preparing a resume...I want my work to thrive its a great place full of awesome people so I'll never leave them high and dry. Tonight I'll see an amazing old friend and former boss it will be a crazy hectic night I can't wait what will happen I don't know some laughs will be insured for sure FUCK YEAH!!!! Now if you don't mind I'm going to blue myself again.
Sanctuary - Korn feat. Downlink - The Path Of Totality
Fuck Anxiety I hate it I sit in a room with more than 3 people and I start to feel uncomfortable it reminds of something similar that happened to someone last year who I made fun of and now its happening to me...I guess that's karma. I feel alone to the point where I shoot long depressing messages to an old friend who's going through a hard time as well and make things even more awkward making friendship that I'm striving for even harder to achieve. I'm sick of being a nothing choice 1 millionth last for everything at least its what it seems I guess I'm having a bad night using hyperbole everywhere I know its not that bad I just feel inadequate and being reminded of everything in only one aspect of life I'm missing out on I never thought I'd say this but being set up with someone is looking an option and I hate that idea always have becoming that desperate guy who'll go for anything and I don't want to be.... I need to meet new people just have no idea where people I go for are in the niche market. I worry about image too much I'm trying to change my appearance cos in my head I think I'm repulsive. I have a good personality at least I think I do..... its just my body that needs to change I'm trying I'd love a regular running buddy even just around the streets near my house I feel odd by myself I know that sounds strange. I hate you anxiety its worse than depression it fucks with me so easily wish there was a magic button for it to go away I really do it just makes me feel empty.... and jealous of surroundings of what people have that I don't making me bitter and short which in turns helps fuel everything I want to change things I want to without others help but sometimes I guess I need some support I don't know who to talk to sometimes people aren't talking to some and some are but not talking to you, I don't want to talk to some as I feel they don't understand or get my point of view I guess but that's just it its m point of view. Nothing but running circles with everything right now. All of the CRAZY.
Bring Me To Life - Evanescence - Fallen [I wish this would happen]
Maturity what does it mean.....it actually has many meanings to be honest and I'm not listing them here look it up yourself you lazy shits. I look around and it seems that not a lot of people are, some think they are but are really not if they could see from the third person how they are behaving the would be appalled. Today I did nothing and it was amazing I'm glad this house is fitting like a nice shoe at the moment it makes me happy :).
Don't know what to do tomorrow I'm going to wait till morning before I make a decision I feel that is the best option. Tonight I found out that I'm losing a great co-worker who has been there just as long as I have when she leaves that'll make me the most experienced member of bar staff there... Its got me thinking to be honest about my situation a bit more. Goodbye Michelle I know I'll see you around and have a drink with you sucks I won't be working with you and your AIDs now I'll be stuck with derps... all of the DERPS. The song I'm going to post tonight relates to everyone I know title says it all I need to some up of everyone's actions, behavior, and just plain emotional vision...
Today was a better day very relaxed, chilled mostly sat around playing Skyrim a game that has made me less bored which is a huge feat for me to be less bored these days my house is currently full of Skyrim players which I'm OK with lol.... things seem very chilled at home its great :) nothing like a few playful jabs at each other, a laugh all in good fun. Tomorrow I have to do alot of washing I've done nothing and clean work uniform will be nice as well has a place to put feet on floor. I also will have an awkward situation probably with an oblivious player to surrounds he's actually an alright guy I have a distorted view of sorts. It shall be interesting to say the least if it goes ahead at all..... then of course work.
