Wisdom, Justice, & Love / Breakin' A Sweat

Its funny how things can come back on you I once told a girl that I didn't want to lay some information on someone because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't talk to anyone about it as it's personal & quite confronting.... then what happens turns out I gave myself that feeling, feeling like I have no one to talk to even though I do I'm just weird and a little fucked up. Yesterday was one of the worse day's of my life just depressing, isolated, quiet, alone, crying to the point of physical exhaustion scared to talk or be around anyone as I don't want to bring people down. Throughout my life I have always felt that friends use me when down to make themselves feel better as a comparison and also because I'm told I'm a great listener then once they overcome their problems whether it be get a relationship, or something they have striving for an extensive peroid, a breakup, a death, all of the sad down times in peoples lives I get shoved to the side till a time like that crops up again. I can't say it feels great to have thoughts like that always running through my head waiting for those close to drop me to see them coming back in tears...Like I won't lie it does feel good to feel I can be trusted because I am trustworthy at least I think (always second guessing self arghhh). At the same time I'm so fucked up when close friends become happy I become bitter, jealous wishing my life had some long term happiness because everything at the moment the second I become happy something comes to kick me whether it be a speeding fine, or something to make me feel anxious, or someone leaving my life, or a close friend ending up in hospital to bring me right back down. Why life? why kick me? I put in for everyone I know I put in a lot of effort whether anyone notices is a different story. I really try hard and get close to nothing in return. Being isolated and alone sucks I can't take it I just break down I don't know what to do with myself can I please just have a break please PLEASE what do I have to do. I am currently waiting on friends to pick me up maybe if I try and smile things will change I hope they do. Its times like these I wish I could feel nothing and be a heartless jerk of a guy sucks that I'm not or maybe be a religious man and put it down to "god's" plan just to blame something. I miss my friend I know that's bad but it's how I feel. One more plea.... Please life I'm trying hard give me something to cheer me up I hate being this way...

Enjoy The Silence - Lacuna Coil - Karmacode