Sucrose / Possums & Crickets

Tonight was rough at work 10 bucks parties and what do we have to show for it less profit than last week and me saying in my head "Told You So...". Anyway...going to crash out for a few hours then hit up my sisters 1st birthday party (FREE FOOD you say? lol) nah all jokes aside I can't wait to catch up.

4th Grade Dropout - The Dillinger Escape Plan - Calculating Infinity

A Reminder / Burn It Down

Gah sometimes I let myself go thinking of things that just suck. Why can't I be happy with how things are, at my dark points I just think I'm an ugly person who will never find anyone its all a shallow game. I won't lie when I ask people honestly at a club would you give me a second look at a club/party I get the same response "No, but your awesome and will find someone....." *sigh* can't say that doesn't hurt. I have nothing romantic at all happening in my life just finance, social crap, & work shit sometimes I feel like just crawling into a corner hiding under blankets till everything goes away. I hate love it makes me stupid, awkward, sad, angry at myself, and much more its fucked GO AWAY!, GO AWAY!, GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!!

Tired, busy everywhere wishing the world could stop just for a breather.

Get Off Get Out - Anathema - We're Here Because We're Here

 

The Middle / We Stand Up / "Bill's House"

"For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals, then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination, we learned to talk" - Steven Hawking / David Gilmour

This week has been amazing till I hit some terrible lows at the end of the week. I feel some uncertainty towards people at the moment. Below is how I feel at times.

There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now
I can't seem to speak now
My words won't come out right
I feel like I'm drowning
I'm feeling weak now
But I can't show my weakness
I sometimes wonder
Where do we go from here

(Lyrics Above, Song Below)

Keep Talking - Pink Floyd - The Division Bell

 

14-02-12 = 0 / ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][Σj∈C{i}Fji[n − 1] + Fexti[[n−1]]

Today is Valentines Day gah... I could be all emotional like I have some years but instead I'm going to try and have fun with my friends because that sounds fun and enjoyable some have other approaches like being all sad about but this year I want to have some fun why should I be brought down on such a stupid hallmark holiday so whoever reads this lets have some fun today because fuck society... I am poor though but that won't stop me from having fun I can watch movies, play video games, go for a drive, go for a walk there is stuff to do. I know some have had some hard times on this day and I know my circumstances aren't the same in terms of experience but some years I've sat at home alone felt like I'm nothing, lower than dirt, feeling inadequate. But I'm going to try and not do that this year.

Rock Candy - Genghis Tron - Cloak Of Love

 

Grace / Luna

Tonight I had a hard time dealing with myself floating around to the point where I was alone crying on my bed it was going to come out sooner or later tears were building. I was just running around using distractions which I think helped I cried till I slept, woke up and headed to work.

Where I find out a friend has been in hospital yesterday due to a weak heart yet insists on working. But I see a friend who has been overseas for 2 months so that was awesome. Sometimes I love work I just love the staff and dancers always having a smile and hating on customers bringing us together as some awesome family supporting one another getting through the night.

I suppose alot of my problems are based alot around my negative thinking which most people will look at this and go...."well obviously" *eyes roll*. But I guess I'm just going to try to ignore the negative thoughts I have...like I do already just going to try a bit harder. I guess I look at life like its a obstacle course this is just a small bump like a tight rope with a net it's hard to get across I fall down but I must get up and try again the sense of accomplishment after I pass this will be amazing. I'm confident I can get passed this it will be hard... It has been hard.

I have to thank 2 special people for putting up with me, one being a close friend the other my housemate I know I can be difficult and a little fucked.

Tomoz road trip to mystic lands....then I dont know...can't wait for wednesday night picnic will be great and chilled.

Moonchild / Given To Destroyers

Gah, I hate anger I got carried away with the previous post said some stupid things I'm such a fuck sometimes I just wish I could talk and not be scared instead I do something stupid and act like a child to the person I said was acting like a child when I was behaving no better....

Twenty Dollars / Strip The Soul

Everyone has an opinion on my life at the moment nice concern is shown what I don't appreciate is aggressive behavior from some as they don't agree with certain aspects of my life....Also from someone that barely gives me the time of day only when they deem necessary at times you worry looking at these posts "supposedly" and never try to talk to me till a point which I could understand given the circumstance but you claim not to completely agree with the reasoning I set which wasn't to selfish or harsh I thought. I'm really not as angry as it sounds just a little frustrated.... Also I found 20 bucks. I feel like a catchy fun song so...yeah...have this.

Cleveland Rocks - The Presidents Of The U.S.A. - Pure Frosting

Perpetual Change / Nookie

I started work on big changes well talks of change I hope all goes ahead I'm sort of excited I never thought I would be with this prospect. I feel this change will be good I do love my hometown I've been here my whole life it does have a special place in my heart and I will visit frequently. But a change of a whole population may do me some good as harsh as it sounds. I will be moving with a close friend of mine and current housemate :). Somewhere nice and quiet yet close to suburbia and some nice night walking and such. I can sense disapproval from my family already and I haven't even told them but I don't really care. Only thing I'm concerned about is money hopefully I can start sorting that out tomorrow.

Orange Crush - R.E.M. - Green

 

Yacht

I make no sense....

My Head Sounds Like That / East of Baldock and Ashford

I have fun then come crashing down by myself all i can think is I'm a fuck....waste of space....I'm a fucking fuckhead. I run dark scenarios in my head. I dream at night people ridding me from their lives I wake up check Facebook to see if it's true as I can't tell as it seems real. I realize to myself I'm unattractive I could never turn heads no one will ever see me as ever a romantic interest I go to a party knowing that I could never get lucky I'll always be the guy that will cracks jokes, there for support, a number buffer. People joke about me being a virgin and I worry that I really will end up being a 40 year old virgin. Some nights I may have dark thoughts which can bring me to tears making me feel crazy. I know people worse off than me what's my problem why am I such a wreck all day I alternate between bed and computer I'm bored constantly life just seems blah. I sound pathetic whinging over just fucking nothing most nights I feel like trash.

Trash - Korn - Issues

 

Zyglrox (2) / Fight For Life

I'm worried about one of my closest friends I now know how they feel when they feel they can't help me its shit all I feel I can say is that I'm thinking of you and that I'm always here to talk...wake me if need be *hugs*. This next section was deleted as I'm afraid to tell people I already feel insane everyday so yeah... I won't type it. I'm trying my best not to cry most days, I'm honestly not that bad at the moment I do feel scared to talk though I feel like I'm selfish always worrying about myself. I'm kind of stupid 90% of my day I think of someone who won't even speak to me. I complain about being alone when I can't get over that hill....Does it make me a bad person to want closeness am I sleaze. I'm stupid I go out of my way to make sure people don't think I'm a sleaze when every minute I'm thinking about sex and destroy a conversation with sexual references making me look like a sleazy cunt. I'm crazy I sabotage myself on everything. I'm selfish, clingy, yelling for attention sometimes I just feel like a fuckhead. I use my problems against other peoples problems to get attention I'm terrible I'm a selfish attention seeking prick.

Brains Out - Error - Self Titled EP

 

Bonnie the Cat / One Cold Winter's Night

I want to talk about someone that I love and can't have well....to be honest weirder stuff has happened in my and close friends lives. Tonight I was talking about drug use and effects I've seen it a lot in my work environment mostly with the violent side but a side I never thought about was loss of communication....silence to be specific being the worse and I'm one to agree silence in some cases can cause some of the biggest pains from high anxiety and more. I know with me I'm still dealing with selected silence my friend who I have been good friends with 10 years talking all the time just drops you from their lives but still worries about me but doesn't want to spend a lot of time with me because she fears that she is the only problem in my life when really I have a bunch (Having high empathy is a blessing and a curse). I want to talk about this but I fear I will hear that I go on and on even typing this makes me feel like I'm being selfish or aggressive towards people like I'm having a go at them when I'm not more at my self which is great I try not to beat myself up about things in my life but sometimes I do and sometimes that can send me into a "state". I worry my memory will get me into trouble some days telling people I was going to do something and I worry I will forget or have already forgotten like I was asked tonight "You have nothing on tomorrow right?" I said "nah I don't" when really I could wake up to an abusive phone call saying why haven't I remembered this, this, and this(I love uncertainty :/). Anxiety is great at times making you feel alone and afraid of close friends and others like you have annoyed them or something or something stupid and it can really bring me down at times. Sex, another thing that's made me feel fucked....feeling I should be there or have gotten closer otherwise I'm a failure, a loser....something i can't talk about with people because its awkward and they'll say its a non problem....I'm crass about the topic at times to hide or cover my problems with it really I feel like the awkward loser, people keep around to make themselves feel better about their own lives. I feel unwanted by some I think I'm about as attractive as a sloth. I feel like the stereotype from films and TV as the guy that's friends with attractive women supporting and all but will never progress or evolve as a character or person socially. I talk myself down because its easy I sleep because its easy. I feel like I'm never invited anywhere cos I'm wanted but because of my condition and they feel that have to include me. Tonight was fun and chilled these are things I deal with everyday a battle with myself fuck I sound crazy I know. The scary thing to me is that I will wake up and I know someone will have a go at me about something most days I feel like I'm a screw up it can be a blog post, behavior.... I'm trying to change trying to help myself some days I just feel like I'm going in circles. I could go on but I'm tired. Thanks for reading my attention seeking post. Also as a side note "Love" I hate you I want my best friend back!

Blessed With A Curse - Bring Me The Horizon - There Is A Hell Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is A Heaven Let's Keep It A Secret.

Strength In Numbers / The Japanese Room @ La Pagode

Last night was great friends conversing no drama comfortable environment and great to feel appreciated by those you help as well. Yesterday I also saw a friend I haven't seen in a long time which was confronting, nice ALL OF THE MIXED EMOTIONS which is good in a way kind of giving me an idea of where I'm at....result I'm slowly getting there I guess the thing that really got to me was we were so close talking for hours each day then bang one day nothing. At work I dealt with a lot of stress just shit dragging on along with complications of the violent and high figure nature. Today I feel a little clingy I don't know why I know that's not good. Earlier I was feeling so anxious still do but nowhere near as bad.

Strength In Numbers - Times Of Grace - Hymn Of A Broken Man

Strength....

I'm too tired to blog in detail but I can assure all you lurkers that I had an amazing day blog properly when and if I wake up lol....

Lookaway / Ratamahatta

I'm acting weird around others and I know it I know I need to relax but I'm having trouble doing that. Every second I'm waiting for someone to yell at me because all I do is post instead of talking and I must be frustrating or depression and anxiety is making me feel paranoid it's a great feel.

Tears Run

Just another time in bed with tears running down my face just wanting.... I don't know its not important its only me. Ill just sleep hopefully ill feel better when I get up I feel so isolated and alone I wish I could stop crying.

Pow Pow / Again....& Again.....

Am I bad person for being jealous of others happiness I feel like a cunt. Feel like crawling into a dark place and crying sometimes...I look around others things seem to just fall into place while I stew doing comparisons. I feel like just throwing a tantrum crying its not fair I'm a good person and life kicks me around. Others who I become jealous of are great people and all of them mean a great deal to me and deserve everything positive that come their way some of them haven't had a great time either ... and when I feel jealous I feel like a bitter piece of shit who doesn't deserve the time of day. I'm all caught up in my head with the same girl I have been for years FUCK YOU LOVE!!!!!!!! I want to get over this and hang out with her so bad...I want to get past this I pretend like the feelings aren't there I don't want to tell others as I don't want to annoy or go on and on plus its a non-problem others have real problems. All I want some days is a hug.

Love You To Death - Type O Negative - October Rust

Emerald Version / Change Rooms

Double standards are a double edged sword for each gender in most ways. I sit here contemplating one I deal with 90% of the time in my head being a coward and imagining (...well trying to imagine) how I'd react if the situation was on the other foot. Sometimes I believe was brought up with different ideals and attitudes to what I think not that I have to much of a problem with how I was brought up my mum is great. Kind of blank at the moment, tired, and jealous of peoples luck and attitudes...at least I'm not aggressive at least I dont think I am (have to try and stop second guessing myself). Wish I had someone to hold at times. Hmmmm.....bored sick of the sight of people....well bad people there seems to be a lot shit people the few I like to spend time with are golden.

TAAB / Carl

Today was quite good spent it with an amazing friend who I was concerned about for some of today who I'm glad perked up later :). Saw my brother even if it was briefly he is awesome always will be. I still feel a little down over not having an anything with someone not even a weird on off or anything but it something I have to deal with sometimes its kind of shit love is it bad that I still have her constantly on my mind I don't want to say anything to my friends about that one because of fear and two because I don't want to drone on about how stupid I'm being. I did have an amazing day, today though. I'd like to take this moment to send a Happy Birthday message to one of my best friends you are amazing and I wish you all the happiness and luck in the future because you deserve it :) from an appreciative friend :).

Curl Of The Burl - Mastodon - The Hunter

Schoolyard Ghosts / You Wanted A Hit

This morning I was becoming scared of myself it was cold my thoughts started to make me sweat I clenched my eyes shut hoping that sleep would force these thoughts away dark thoughts that are crazy and horrifying making me feel like dirt that continue my looping mind image of myself. I wake 3 hours later to 2 texts one saying that I'm being thought of the other saying that I was in their dreams and that it was weird but no context as to what happened. I sleep again no worries wake up at 2 wonder around the house no real purpose it was good see a movie I've been looking forward to. I repeat myself making myself feel a little foolish. I'm looking forward to seeing my brother tomorrow and getting my hair done hopefully so at least I'll have a little purpose rather than doing laps trying to entertain myself. I've spent alot of time laying down staring into space. Hopefully tonight won't be a repeat of last night when I crash out. Today I was like the walking dead.

Pigeon Beater - No-Man - Schoolyard Ghosts