Bonnie the Cat / One Cold Winter's Night

I want to talk about someone that I love and can't have well....to be honest weirder stuff has happened in my and close friends lives. Tonight I was talking about drug use and effects I've seen it a lot in my work environment mostly with the violent side but a side I never thought about was loss of communication....silence to be specific being the worse and I'm one to agree silence in some cases can cause some of the biggest pains from high anxiety and more. I know with me I'm still dealing with selected silence my friend who I have been good friends with 10 years talking all the time just drops you from their lives but still worries about me but doesn't want to spend a lot of time with me because she fears that she is the only problem in my life when really I have a bunch (Having high empathy is a blessing and a curse). I want to talk about this but I fear I will hear that I go on and on even typing this makes me feel like I'm being selfish or aggressive towards people like I'm having a go at them when I'm not more at my self which is great I try not to beat myself up about things in my life but sometimes I do and sometimes that can send me into a "state". I worry my memory will get me into trouble some days telling people I was going to do something and I worry I will forget or have already forgotten like I was asked tonight "You have nothing on tomorrow right?" I said "nah I don't" when really I could wake up to an abusive phone call saying why haven't I remembered this, this, and this(I love uncertainty :/). Anxiety is great at times making you feel alone and afraid of close friends and others like you have annoyed them or something or something stupid and it can really bring me down at times. Sex, another thing that's made me feel fucked....feeling I should be there or have gotten closer otherwise I'm a failure, a loser....something i can't talk about with people because its awkward and they'll say its a non problem....I'm crass about the topic at times to hide or cover my problems with it really I feel like the awkward loser, people keep around to make themselves feel better about their own lives. I feel unwanted by some I think I'm about as attractive as a sloth. I feel like the stereotype from films and TV as the guy that's friends with attractive women supporting and all but will never progress or evolve as a character or person socially. I talk myself down because its easy I sleep because its easy. I feel like I'm never invited anywhere cos I'm wanted but because of my condition and they feel that have to include me. Tonight was fun and chilled these are things I deal with everyday a battle with myself fuck I sound crazy I know. The scary thing to me is that I will wake up and I know someone will have a go at me about something most days I feel like I'm a screw up it can be a blog post, behavior.... I'm trying to change trying to help myself some days I just feel like I'm going in circles. I could go on but I'm tired. Thanks for reading my attention seeking post. Also as a side note "Love" I hate you I want my best friend back!

Blessed With A Curse - Bring Me The Horizon - There Is A Hell Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is A Heaven Let's Keep It A Secret.