Mysterious Semblance At The Strand Of Nightmares / Raider Acceleration

The other night I met a strange man that I was introduced to by lovely depressed acquaintance of mine (sorry I couldn't hear your entire story I'll catch up with you next time that's a promise) who he had met that night aswell. I didn't catch his name but he seemed interested in an adventure he had taken the week off work carrying nothing but the essentials and a tent with sleeping bag. He wanted to meet new people and see where his life would go without structure. He seemed keen to know me and said do you mind if I give my honest first impression of you in just this short span of conversation we had already had. He said that I seemed to be very honest, and the "good guy" with a lot of empathy, who's quite unlucky, and smart.

I was a little shocked.

Probably not interesting of a story to others but it was to me. I feel like I'm gasping for air at the moment and waiting for the thing or abuse.

Drowning In Slow Motion - Trivium - In Waves (Special Edition)

 

Faulty Launcher / Tristram Hellfire

I get told not to define myself with relationships and sex... Yet I do which is bad I feel I'm missing out. I feel like I'm in class again while Mrs. McBride is yelling at me "You will never have a girlfriend, girls don't go near Justin" while my mum stands there and agrees and encourages... I feel like back then except you could escape and say girls are icky as a child.

I've always been timid trying to distance myself from my father which is hard when people have always said I'm so much like him in every way. I've always tried to not push people away so I never take chances with my actions as in scared to offend even though i'll do that anyway.

I want sex not for gratification or a tick even though it would be nice I want the closeness between two open individuals I know I'm building things up. But I'd love to hold someone in my arms talk and stuff. Am I the only one that wants this...

I don't know why I stay up so late... I really don't.

Gavin Harrison / Newjack

I lie in bed mulling over the same thing I have gone over for the past year others throw their 2 cents in and they're probably right I still like to think the best. I don't know what to write people around me are having a hard time it sucks I want to help each and everyone but I can't. Sometimes I hate being empathetic it just brings me down. Why are things so complicated now...

Dai the Flu / In Your Room / Prelude (The Family Trip)

Wake to shit, stay at my parents hear arguments I try to ignore it I can see my brother is too I stay longer for my brothers sake. All small things that eat away I can see it my brother can too we stay quiet brother pretends everything is fine despite the fact he literally never leaves his room. I want to but in at times but I never do because that would be stupid and also because I don't want the shit plus its awkward... It's not one-sided I can see that anyone can except maybe my grandparents who side with my mother. I know I don't have bad family my family care and are great its just a little shit seeing this happen and you can just tell it will go to shit soon slowly but surely.

Saying all this I haven't had a bad day it's been quite good my wonderful housemate made dinner (must admit felt like I crashed dinner :/) played some games though in this empty room I do feel a little lonely while people laugh down the hall together. I know I'm being overly sensitive and should be slapped for thinking that way. Guess it would be nice to have a friend in the area maybe in the future I'll make one. Logically my life is good and I shouldn't complain about missing things I guess my comparisons is something I should really look at.

Your Unpleasent Family - Porcupine Tree - The Incident

Drag Ropes / Script For A Jesters Tear

What's it matter no one cares... I can tell everyone on my steam account is generally on steam playing DotA 2 or posting away on facebook... continuously I turned down work MONEY I NEED. To be sitting on my computer crying building more stress alone making money tighter putting strain on my housemate aswell. Out of all my friends who I go out of my way for doing things I can't afford and so on I invite at least 100 people who intends on coming not even 5 people these people try and cheer me up most days saying your a great guy you have plenty of friends... well I look around and see an empty room playing a third wheel like most nights I do is not my idea of a good time feel like crawling up into bed and dying. I have no money... no fun...no friends. I'll just stare into space that'll be my night gah put on fake smile tomorrow tell work I had an amazing night with friends when really I say bring on death it's not like anyone will obviously miss me.

Cloudy Now - Blackfield - Live In New York

 

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you, She tied you to her kitchen chair, She broke your throne and she cut your hair...

Years...D&Ms...shopping...tales...memories...habits all feel dead and unfamiliar.

Gay Pride! Can We Fuck? / Novelty To The Same

Why is it that homosexuality, bisexuality is needs to be ridiculed be so novel that people will tear it down without seeing what they are doing and those who are gay do the same wanting gay marriage legalized when all they do is fuck in their fucking circles I know I've only been out for a bit but what is wrong with this hypocritical community where if you don't fuck your not it. It's a different story if you're a virgin if you're a virgin you can still be classed as straight I am bisexual and a virgin and so what. What should it matter if I am either of those things. I am not a bad person I do my best as a person to care for my friends and my family sure I come off the rails every now and again I can be crass at the dumbest times, I feel down when alone even get to crying or get jealous I am only human.

Why are people intent on making a big deal on the physical I'm not the most attractive person alive but neither are you if you feel so inclined to think that about yourself then you are douche. People I know at one time or another have ridiculed me my life about sex whether that I've had it or that I'm gay or that I'm uneducated on some of the terms, acts of sex itself. If I am crass, dumb over sex it's because people in this fucked society has made me this way to feel accepted in society granted it's still not an excuse for anyone's behavior.

Sexuality doesn't need to be defined in anyway in my opinion if you are gay/lesbian or whatever other word you want to call it and you are open about it fine that's all cool just don't say we are all like this everyone is different saying we are all the same is bullshit. As with bisexuality the whole debate you like either sex equally is bullshit generally there always be you like one more than the other just like you can have favourited children and that's fine you don't need to define a thing.

A relationship is to be good friends with an individual to love one and another in what ever way you choose to if you showing your love means some deranged bondage session then so be it but love can be expressed in other ways not just physical it can be expressed by knowing someone by taking care of them in the rough times and having fun together in the good times. Love is something that can be described in many ways there is no right answer and no wrong answer either so this rant could be completely hypocritical to another person. I guess what I'm saying is stop having a go at people for their views (I know from me that's a bit rich for those who know me but even I at least know I wrong even if I say I'm right because i know I'm a hypocrite)

I suppose this is just my opinion but its my blog so Nerrrrrrr. *sticks out tongue*

BEARFORCE 1

Grace / Bless

I'm living in a dream land everything is just blah I should care more about things but instead set my sights on one thing. I have no motivation for things I feel kind of flat. I get fucked up over things that shouldn't define me. Events are drawing near and I know when it happens I'm going to lose my shit guess a group thing would be good *sigh*. I know its not but I'll treat it like a death never to be seen again.

Dream Brother(Jeff Buckley Cover) - TesseracT -Perspective

 

BENZIN!!!! / An Arched Pathway

I let things consume me at times not knowing why I do things when I know I should stop if I take a step back I worry about situations. In my head I'm waiting for someone to scream at me. Things make me feel uncomfortable even things I say make me feel a little uncomfortable and the things I'm excited about I can't share yet do at times making things difficult for myself I think someone or many people may tell me to go away some are. Money is tight I feel I can't keep up with myself or others I think of the future it scares me. I'm in a situation that may explode soon that I have every right to be upset about but I can't say a thing I don't want to hurt my friend which could make things worse for me as well I cross my fingers hoping everything will be okay but I know something will blow up soon. I seek advice I research things but I wish I could talk to someone comfortably about questions I have but I don't... its hard to find someone I can trust with the questions I want to ask I know a lot of people probably face the same problem I do. I guess I'm hating some laughing at me when I don't know something like terms or sex stuff I've always felt behind as a teenager for instance only the last 2 or 3 years did I really figure out what "putting out" meant I knew it was a sex/relationship/romance related thing but never knew what it truly meant so I would just laugh along in my head thinking I know nothing. Society perpetuates sex and this makes people like me feel anxious and panic making things worse. I'm slowly becoming confident with this new admitted sexuality and I guess at times I've got to shut my mouth but I'm all excited after hiding worried, anxious, scared of my loved ones friends and family feeling like I'm a different person but I guess me acting this way creates a different me I don't know. At times I get lonely with no motivation but to lay in bed getting up only when necessary like the other day I lay in bed just wanting to just ignore pop-culture that I need to catch up with which feels like study in itself because if I'm not up to date I can't keep up with conversation or have nothing to talk about since I have barely any appropriate conversation topics unless people are interested in abstract movies/world movies, abstract music, or indie games that bugger all people have heard of. I have a guilt like I'm not helping people, friends, housemate, family. I'm doing something I haven't done in weeks maybe this has built up I don't know I'm crying. I start my diary tonight to give to my psychologist which details muscle relaxation I hope it helps also talking about things I can and can't control in my life. Maybe I just want a companion I know it shouldn't define me but as I've learnt with life which really shouldn't apply here its just how I feel life is just...

Sometimes I feel this song is how I feel on my down days.

Mein Herz Brennt (My Heart Burns) - Mutter - Rammstein

 

Faith Hilling / The Madness & The Damage Done

I feel like I'm missing something. Feel a little hollow and bored. People are having fun guess I'm feeling anxious for the first time in a while. Since coming out I've slowly realized that I don't know much at all I'm doing my best to learn culture in that part of me. I know I don't have to know these things like terms and so on I don't have to follow trends and I don't plan on it either but I feel I don't know the basics and feel uncomfortable because of it. Guess I'm just anxious and a little lonely wanting someone in my life oh well. Guess it'll happen at some point.

The Madness & The Damage Done - Shining (Nor) - Blackjazz

The Sickening Dwell / Red Birds Will Fly Out Of The East & Destroy Paris In A Night

I want to write but have no energy

Angry funtime is dumb

Anger made me lash out I'm stuck going to a party I don't really want to go to by myself but now am. I'm being selfish and stuff and fucked up. Gah I'm a cunt sometimes. Work soon... cbf dealing with people today.

II. Paradise Lost: Serpent Tongue / Thefakesoundofprogress

I feel like things are unfair with someone how it's be alright one way but not another. Things were awkward one is doing legwork while another does nothing I'm making an effort but get no reply what so ever people are coming to me going why is it like this and what am I to say? I have as much clue as the next person. I'm trying to get things to work and it seems nothing is happening on the other end. I get frustrated want to lock self in room but I don't. "They" tell others "Yeah... it was awkward" well I feel like shaking them and say do something about it come talk to me why must it always be me to try and fix things...

Every friendship I've ever had. I've been the strong one. Can't I be the weak one for once I feel I deserve it. Wish I had friends here instead of hanging onto others. It would be nice to call someone and go "hey you feel like coming over?" I feel that line....wait not feel.... that line has not been uttered once. *Sigh* I'll have another attempt at doing things I guess. I can't say anything because people will go blah well its not the same blah blah this blah and blah blah. I don't even care anymore if they don't understand I guess they never will it's too hard to explain.

Whatever - Godsmack - Godsmack

Don't know if bacon bad

Lost in relapse...
Tongue on hold

Making Mirrors / "Goode"

Feeling kind of down over something I shouldn't. I feel like I've lost touch with someone I was once so close to and now I have no time to patch things up before it's too late. I guess I'm freaking out its something I have no control over. It's something I'll have to learn to except I guess I strangely still have false hope arghhh just feel a little stupid I guess. I'll be right just need to vent I guess...

Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra - Making Mirrors

Disruptr / Korean Jump

I feel more alive, more grown up, free. I can admit my eye still has one in mind but I'm not going to let it get to me. I feel like a fire is burning inside me.

A new adventure begins for me I'm nearly out and proud. Well I'm proud already.

Tall Latte / Blue Dress / "Look at Us.... Fucking Wicked"

I look towards the future with it glowing brightly its amazing how something so simple... yet so big can change how you feel so quickly and how my fears were just in my head, I love my friends they have made things so much easier for me. Worries seem smaller. Being able to talk so openly is such a high for me right now I go on and on and don't get tired of it. Friendships seem closer than ever before.

Kingdom - Devin Townsend - Live In Baltimore EP 2011

Collect... Catalogue... Preserve... Amass... Index / N9 / Infinite Ocean

Ahhhh.... feel so free, so relaxed, that I can talk so openly among my friends now it's the little things that have had me tense after all these years I'm out! I can breathe. People who know are probably sick of me saying that but I'm so excited right now. I love my friends for being so supportive it means alot that I can talk about it and be myself and not hide anymore. I would be lying if I said that I'm not worried about telling some people or them knowing but I guess it will show me who likes me for me I hope the friends i consider close will stand by me so far so good. I'm more than happy for the results that I have recieved over the last few days with every new person I've told I feel weights are being lifted that have been crushing me for years and years. I'm proud of who I am and why shouldn't I be. Maybe now with this new found confidence I can find a special someone to cuddle up to at night have fun and shower with love as corny as that sounds I can't wait. Better go to bed work in the morning life seems so free and beautiful at the moment.

My Fork In The Road(Your Knife In My Back) - Atreyu - A  Death-Grip On Yesterday

 

Uncomfortably Numb / Bored To Death / Brains Out!

Today I lay bored to death browsing the internet and I realize I don't care everything is just a waste of time I don't really find what I'm doing interesting at all start a game... bored... start watching something... bored. Though if I'm with people doing the same thing I'm good I don't know what it is I guess I'm lonely here a lot. But I can still be picky I don't know. Today I was blank more than anything I admitted something that is so confusing, difficult, and scary to me.

I sit at times tears running down my face feeling helpless... like life will be a uphill battle for the rest of my life be abnormal dealing with the virgin thing, the finance stuff, social anxiety, being to nice and being stood on like I have in the past. I try my best to the point where I don't see the limit and get stood on...People say I have high empathy and stuff I don't where I'm going with this I feel lost with life I guess others feel the same I don't know. I hate being up and down its shit oh well off to bed deal with another challenge of shit tomorrow.... I'll have done something wrong i always do.

Ghost - Devin Townsend Project - Ghost

Regulator / Slow Me Down / Things Beyond Things

I sit here not knowing what to do with myself something all to regular to me in my life. I sit here trying to accept a goodbye from a friend which I haven't even received something I found out from others I don't even know when they are leaving its hard to accept someone I used to be so close to just drops you from their life they say they haven't but I clearly have I don't know anything anymore. Struggling self-image. I try to entertain myself it just doesn't work... porn doesn't even do the trick anymore its just shit... movies... music I feel bored and over everything before it even starts...

 ^Me^

I feel I want an adventure but I know that the second it starts I'll be over it. I stress always tense not knowing what to do till I freeze and keel over. Conversations are short no ones interested in talking about me or even to me. Feeling used by mundane things at times. Treated like a baby living outside a circle of everything only place I feel comfortable is at work a place that is supposed to be bad for me I don't tend to ruminate much anymore its more just feeling down I don't tend to run in circles though some could debate it's what I'm doing now and they are probably right. I feel like I'm misunderstood at times and that I have no future look at me deferring from uni from a course I've failed half of when doing part-time study, friends finishing. Friends seem questionable at times I worry about judgements that may be cast. I feel maturity has a huge asterisk next to it. I picture a funeral at times and how it would be in curiosity. Tomorrow I have work in an environment where I think my boss hates me. People are over my moping they shout in anger while I crawl into my corner and cry an all to common occurrence. I constantly worry I'm being a terrible housemate, friend, worker, & person. I sit here awaiting another tragedy/problem to occur. I struggle to keep my head above water. I stare at an ugly face in the mirror seeing a failure and want to punch it in anger. I go home wanting to say hello but everytime it ends in a fight I go to a friends house get ignored... don't blame them really *sigh* oh well off to bed see another meaningless day out I guess just drift through the day much like today.

Regulator - Devin Townsend - Ocean Machine: Biomech