Tall Latte / Blue Dress / "Look at Us.... Fucking Wicked"

I look towards the future with it glowing brightly its amazing how something so simple... yet so big can change how you feel so quickly and how my fears were just in my head, I love my friends they have made things so much easier for me. Worries seem smaller. Being able to talk so openly is such a high for me right now I go on and on and don't get tired of it. Friendships seem closer than ever before.

Kingdom - Devin Townsend - Live In Baltimore EP 2011

Collect... Catalogue... Preserve... Amass... Index / N9 / Infinite Ocean

Ahhhh.... feel so free, so relaxed, that I can talk so openly among my friends now it's the little things that have had me tense after all these years I'm out! I can breathe. People who know are probably sick of me saying that but I'm so excited right now. I love my friends for being so supportive it means alot that I can talk about it and be myself and not hide anymore. I would be lying if I said that I'm not worried about telling some people or them knowing but I guess it will show me who likes me for me I hope the friends i consider close will stand by me so far so good. I'm more than happy for the results that I have recieved over the last few days with every new person I've told I feel weights are being lifted that have been crushing me for years and years. I'm proud of who I am and why shouldn't I be. Maybe now with this new found confidence I can find a special someone to cuddle up to at night have fun and shower with love as corny as that sounds I can't wait. Better go to bed work in the morning life seems so free and beautiful at the moment.

My Fork In The Road(Your Knife In My Back) - Atreyu - A  Death-Grip On Yesterday

 

Uncomfortably Numb / Bored To Death / Brains Out!

Today I lay bored to death browsing the internet and I realize I don't care everything is just a waste of time I don't really find what I'm doing interesting at all start a game... bored... start watching something... bored. Though if I'm with people doing the same thing I'm good I don't know what it is I guess I'm lonely here a lot. But I can still be picky I don't know. Today I was blank more than anything I admitted something that is so confusing, difficult, and scary to me.

I sit at times tears running down my face feeling helpless... like life will be a uphill battle for the rest of my life be abnormal dealing with the virgin thing, the finance stuff, social anxiety, being to nice and being stood on like I have in the past. I try my best to the point where I don't see the limit and get stood on...People say I have high empathy and stuff I don't where I'm going with this I feel lost with life I guess others feel the same I don't know. I hate being up and down its shit oh well off to bed deal with another challenge of shit tomorrow.... I'll have done something wrong i always do.

Ghost - Devin Townsend Project - Ghost

Regulator / Slow Me Down / Things Beyond Things

I sit here not knowing what to do with myself something all to regular to me in my life. I sit here trying to accept a goodbye from a friend which I haven't even received something I found out from others I don't even know when they are leaving its hard to accept someone I used to be so close to just drops you from their life they say they haven't but I clearly have I don't know anything anymore. Struggling self-image. I try to entertain myself it just doesn't work... porn doesn't even do the trick anymore its just shit... movies... music I feel bored and over everything before it even starts...

 ^Me^

I feel I want an adventure but I know that the second it starts I'll be over it. I stress always tense not knowing what to do till I freeze and keel over. Conversations are short no ones interested in talking about me or even to me. Feeling used by mundane things at times. Treated like a baby living outside a circle of everything only place I feel comfortable is at work a place that is supposed to be bad for me I don't tend to ruminate much anymore its more just feeling down I don't tend to run in circles though some could debate it's what I'm doing now and they are probably right. I feel like I'm misunderstood at times and that I have no future look at me deferring from uni from a course I've failed half of when doing part-time study, friends finishing. Friends seem questionable at times I worry about judgements that may be cast. I feel maturity has a huge asterisk next to it. I picture a funeral at times and how it would be in curiosity. Tomorrow I have work in an environment where I think my boss hates me. People are over my moping they shout in anger while I crawl into my corner and cry an all to common occurrence. I constantly worry I'm being a terrible housemate, friend, worker, & person. I sit here awaiting another tragedy/problem to occur. I struggle to keep my head above water. I stare at an ugly face in the mirror seeing a failure and want to punch it in anger. I go home wanting to say hello but everytime it ends in a fight I go to a friends house get ignored... don't blame them really *sigh* oh well off to bed see another meaningless day out I guess just drift through the day much like today.

Regulator - Devin Townsend - Ocean Machine: Biomech

 

Why? Escape? Yeah? / Mouth...SEALED IN TIGHT

When I was younger I wondered why people would actually want to kill them selves I'm beginning to see more and more why people would actually want to do it. I feel like I have no escape what do I do? I want someone to talk to the people I want/try to talk either hate me, ignore me, or get angry with me. Today I broke....AGAIN. It's gotten to the point where if someone asked me have you thought of hurting yourself I would respond with "yes". I just want someone to listen which I know sounds selfish considering I know those around me have problems. I don't want to cause more problems and I might just posting this. Worse thing is my negative thoughts on myself are right. I bank every worry no matter how small till I panic. Pathetic, Lazy, Child. I want escape I want to jump.

Animal Rights / Maths

I sit here feeling like nothing will ever happen to me I get rejected by everyone over and over again. While everyone I know has at least something. I can't even move half the time I just stare thinking about all the things I'm missing in life. I think over and over till something is paid or done I worry I'm being a shit friend to everyone in my life. I go home excited to see my family and they tear me down wherever possible confirming my own negative thoughts. I look around and my mind tells me "why even look it doesn't matter". I over do things as I don't want to be seen as lazy. When I'm alone tears run no matter what the occasion. I wish I had something even if it was fucked up. I'm doing it again playing the victim useless to everyone when I'm like this. I wish I had friends *sigh*...

Gravitational Constant / Lost Mataban

Constantly worried of disappointing people. Am anxious towards everything I sit in most rooms and panic no matter where I am only exception is when I'm alone which is just me crying constantly. I wake up stressed over daily tasks and whether I can do them properly. I wish I had friends I feel out of place all the time most of my close friends are ignoring me and I'm not anxious about I can see that it's fact and why because I defend other friends...

People say don't worry about all coming from people who have multiple groups of friends. People say don't compare when others do it when explaining something in most cases to me. I wonder if things will change I'm trying and stressing over money is another thing I must be the most childish individual I know. I try to get help I see a doctor and he just wouldn't listen to a word I say nor did he even feign to care like most people. I often wonder if I'm used as a tool for others and once I'm used I get thrown away its been this way my whole life with friends. I'd love a friend to stay by my side that wants to stand by my side for once. I don't feel I can be honest with people as they will run away I try not to be overbearing which can happen at times I can admit. I feel trapped, hollow and abandoned. Feel like I'm a burden on everyone and everything. I kinda like the false friend pretense at least I can pretend to be happy. I'm researching other close doctors clinics and youth services for help as I hate myself... I hate the way I'm thinking at the moment I want it to change. I'm looking for help I just wish I had someone to talk to apart from what feels like paid help.

Abandoned - Kamelot - One Cold Winters Night

 

Issues / The Hymn Of A Broken Man

Can't be happy have to find something wrong. Try to talk to others doesn't matter who am I fooling I haven't got a soul. I moved for a fresh start but who knew it doesn't work that way. I'm never hungry so I force myself food or I use food as an escape that I can't even afford. Nothing but a fucking child that should have been put down talking won't help I'll just spiral till I hit that crash point. Friends I wish I could have one the ones I have are either completely leaving Victoria and I'm in love with and have been for years because I'm a fucking fool. The other who I treat as a mother because I'm a baby. Others are few and I find frustrating at times. I'm poor I cry myself to sleep each night nothing has changed. I try to keep busy when I'm free but most of the time I just pass out to wake up and keep hating myself more and more each day. Some days I think of just running onto a highway just to end it all I've felt this way for months and months or drive into a pole. I feel I should be honest but I know if I do people may just walk away or I'll be beaten up. Career a Joke. Love pfft don't stupid that won't happen to you look at you..you fat fucking emotional mess. Money nothing but me crawling and begging like I do with life. I get things handed to me as I am a lazy fucking piece of dirt. I deserve to be alone why talk to me I'm a fuck. People yell I pick myself up well I think I do then come to a conclusion that I'm handfed. I get false compliments all the time. I use excuses to pass the day by till it blows up , I feel like everything I do is never good enough or wrong and I look back and know everything I have ever done is sort of a mistake. My Life is a mistake. I cry curled up in a ball tissues everywhere with snot and tears. Feeling selfish knowing others have problems and I just dump on them emotionally and with organisation. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! Sorry to those who know me and put up with me ill just work and stay below the radar. I guess I could go home listen to family fight while me and my brother pretend we can't hear drown it out with our music.

By Way Of Choice / Raw Dog

I live with discomfort at times trying to be sympathetic to others interests and loves one thing that has always made me uncomfortable with the odd rare occasion is animals I like them but am specific. It sounds weird I know but I guess I'm the same with people as well. I may sound like a heartless person but I would have kept driving if I stopped for every animal I saw and felt for every animal or person I saw I would have a breakdown. If I say that I'm a terrible person even though I'm just being honest. I feel for things because others do which at times is a huge problem for me. I maybe should have waited I don't know. I could rage and say blah blah I didn't want this in the first place but I won't because if I was smart I would have defined it more clearly. I don't know however I could have handled it I still don't think I would have got it right. There's things I want to say that I feel are the truth but they are to hurtful and cause too much problems and will be thrown back at me. I essentially have blood on my hands of course I don't feel good maybe I should have waited. I'm not good with animals I admit but it doesn't mean I hate them I do like animals its weird but most make me uncomfortable always have. Very few exceptions. I'll admit I have trouble making decisions sometimes maybe this was the wrong one...of course from an animal lovers point of view it is... this post paints me in a bad light I'll admit but its a weird situation to explain...well from my perspective anyway. I don't want to think about what I've done I'll cry again... I unwilling entered a situation that I can't talk about because no matter which way I explain it I'm the terrible person. Go for a quick drive to K-Mart then cook tea hopefully it will take my mind off of things...

Kill Rock'N'Roll - System Of A Down - Hypnotize

A Special Sympathy

I feel alone I want someone to curl up to. People say being physical isn't everything to me its a goal a mile away. I missed so much stewing on things. Friends are becoming a foreign concept. All to busy I waste a night off being my awkward in the way self. I feel like the special kid where when I'm not looking people are like "awww look at him go". I wish I had something secure in my life...

The fucked thing is I'm a hypocrite I crave sympathy yet hate it aswell and if people say it like it is I'll get fucked up. I'm going to passout.