Dead Memories / Momento Mori

You know things are fucked when you start reading old messages, and letters BAH!!! Feel torn so anxious I'll just wait to be told

Land Of Confusion / The Gentle Hum Of Anxiety

I have a good day but in the background I feel my chest tight and I don't really know why I try not to think about it because it makes me feel a little crazy and jealous of people anxiety is fucked I hate it makes me feel uncomfortable & like I'm running out of air literally. I go home get blasted then get "I'm sorry" then blasted then "I'm sorry" at the end of the day she has no right to tear me down for being nice worried about getting taken advantage of when she has no idea at all... People say I'm too nice....what is too nice? and is it really a bad thing?.....Don't people like nice people I guess not that's why I'm single maybe I should be a little more.... to be honest I don't know... a few years ago I tried being cocky and a prick it was disgusting just to see if it works and the funny thing is it works society is shit sometimes I tried to be that guy its just not me I hate it to. I hate this anxiety go away and go away images. I want someone new to enter my life or anyone to turn around and see that I will treat them well and listen. I put love number 1 but remain curious to physicality of "love" I want this feeling of being alone to end I have no one or even anyone I'm interested in really maybe I do... but I let my image that to be honest I like shatter any chance of any risks with my job position I constantly worry about being called a sleaze so I don't know how to approach anything romantic. I want to be over this person its such a shit thing its hard when this person means a lot to you  as a friend and the other feels the same with decade long history so we are both trying to work on it both going through hard times with hidden demons we hide from everyone but each other. We both want to help each other but we both don't want to hurt each other in the process such a weird but nice dynamic in essence. It's amazing the lengths I'll go for love and friendship I feel they are the most important things to me, I try so so hard for people I wonder if anyone notices at all is it even worth it at all I'd like to think it is. Am I trying to hard? Do I look like an idiot? I guess this is the anxiety seeping in.... Am I getting in others way without meaning to?.... I feel out of place at times despite the fact I should feel comfortable I feel confused with life and everything that's happening it all seems so random with events socially happening sporadically and its all spare of the moment so its weird and I'm being chucked around I'm not complaining to much I don't know how to feel its all sort of blah.... Just re-reading this I'm all over the place. I write this feeling tight and nervous not even paying a lot of attention to my surroundings. I know I don't really have any REAL problems I just felt like writing this to I don't even know why kind of an attention seeker at times nowadays I remember a few years ago I used to criticize those who did this even though I'm doing it now.

Dazed & Confused - Led Zeppelin - The Song Remains The Same

Memory Imprints (Never End) / Pajama Party Horror

Somethings never change which I love and hate to be honest such as regular social events, or coming full circle in many different ways good and bad. Sucks I have a new image of her in my head I wish I could have her in my head but not in that way I don't feel as lonely anymore I don't know why I'm sure they'll come back... but at least they are gone for the moment maybe I can't suffer lust and loneliness at the same time I don't know its weird or maybe I'm just a sad individual also I hate the number 10 right now but also love it....

I love feeling comfortable around certain friends it makes me feel better. I'm going to a night out for quiet drinks and dinner soon to see an old friend/ former co-worker who has complete opposite ideals to me I never understood how we got along but we did and still do like a house on fire lol. Its been weeks uni hasn't given me a probation in anyway e-mail or letter or anything makes me happy :). At the moment things are fucked and good in some ways to more fucked up but I'm handling it well and hopefully I can keep up with the weight loss and healthy eating am trying to stay positive thanks to friends for ongoing support I would never have got this far without any of you and I really mean that.

Thanks Bro - Filter - Songs in the Key of X: Music from and Inspired by the X-Files

Crawling / Bumblebee

Yesterday was a step in a sideways direction :/. I went to a party I didn't want to attend why?... because I'd do anything for this person its the first time I've seen them in 3-4 months and what happens I gaze at her with joy and lust..... fuck she's beautiful I just want to be close friends again but instead I go to this place FFS. I start to come down a friend sees me like this and gets worried (I'm alright old friend you are funny, and great to know you care ^_^). Meanwhile someone who must be oblivious to the current situation is interested in spending more time with me to hang out its very, very weird....I said yes don't know how its gonna go. I escape the place of obnoxious ignorant loud footy bogans to drop people off the second they leave my car I did something I haven't been able to do in ages I cry...

Why do I crawl? Why can't I just be close friends like before I just want this whole feelings crap to disappear I miss things not being weird. I'm jealous of everyone's situation I know its bad to compare but it's hard not to.... It's amazing how a lot of people end up like their parents most of the time I hope someone I know doesn't 2 weeks is hardly enough to time to know someone before you move in it's derp and lol.

Celestica - Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles II

Life of a Hypocrite who is tired, bored & lonely

I cause problems for those I don't intend for everyone in my social group passively in doing so I push everyone away leaving me alone with no one really to talk to. I don't know who to talk to anymore or who to hang out with everyone is busy, or working, or at a distance, or plain don't want to talk to me. With all that in mind I'm bored out of my mind I don't know what to do nothing satisfies me for too long I want to exercise but I don't want to leave this prison known as my room I should be doing my washing at least its pathetic but instead I may lie in bed take the early shift at work and hope its long one so I don't have to return to my room. I want anything to satisfy me, entertain me. I started online dating to help try and find a girlfriend and all I've got is 50 rejections not one accept to even contact someone not even a derp yes feelgreatman.jpg. I'm sick of being this pathetic 21 year old virgin who is friends with everyone and is this hypocrite who hates people who gossip and inadvertently gossips or creates drama without realizing it. May just sleep the rest of the day and keep it up no one wants to do anything anyway people are tense all about ready to snap in every direction. I feel so inadequate a few years ago I had my first kiss I was drunk but not too drunk more tipsy to be honest at the time and she had asked for it next day she tells everyone at school I took advantage of her and essentially I was a prick. Why do people and life suck? I put my self in that people category aswell. I just want to be happy and cheery but everything that is going on at the moment I have no idea may just go back to sleep let the washing and stuff pile up or go home to parents and hear them yell at me over little shit. Most of my close friends are girls and its nice but it also sucks cos I can't hang with most of them one on one cos they feel they may be criticized by my social groups as something happening between us when really I just want to hang out and talk and shit people can judge so harshly sometimes and I put myself into that category aswell.

Alone I Break - Korn - Untouchables

American High / Return To Cookie Mountain

Today was tiring but also fun had such an interesting time getting to know new American friend who loves "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" more than me hard to believe...right? He opened my eyes that some of the things we have here are amazing and kinda retarded which is all fair and makes complete sense once you think about it. I'll have some more fun tomorrow wondering around the city and meeting up with someone I rarely get to see outside of work just for fun :). I hope to fire up a BBQ tomorrow god, I get to excited about that I'm becoming stereotypical Australian lol without the shrimp they're to expensive :(....

Friendship group is being a ummm a tad I don't know retarded nothing new oh well hopefully everybody grows up soon being Switzerland is hard work sometimes....

We're From America - Marilyn Manson - The High End Of Low

Castellorizon / Alternate Main Theme

Hmmmm.... I don't really have anything to write about I am currently situated in an imaginary place that is quite beautiful and a nice break away from the normal tomorrow I meet someone from America who I know fuck all about but does know my housemate and her judgement is generally good most of the time who will be staying with us which is exciting. To be honest I'd love to travel if I had any income for fun things but I don't :( oh well at least going the beach has boosted me hopefully I can lose weight and look good to enter this shallow game of love and take home a prize all in time I guess.....still bored don't know why, I do enjoy watching anime at the moment I need to find a new series something sweet with the occasional laugh along the veins of Toradora! (OMG!, favourite anime EVAH!!!!!). Glad to see housemate is getting into it as well always nice to laugh with friends just good times. I'll finish this blog saying farewell to a regular at work Barton Wohlers thoughts go to your family and friends I'm sure we'll dedicate Megastrip to you buddy and maybe put a plaque up in that pool room you owned that table man.

Exogenesis: Symphony Parts 1,2, & 3 [FULL SUITE] - Muse - The Resistance

Alone I Break / Wheels Of Confusion

Sex, I mentioned/stated my views on this before I've always put love first or a relationship first and I say its not important to me but it gets to me being the 21 year old virgin with body issues and being called a great guy but only as a friend, every girl I have ever known sex with me is just like "what, no its Justin he's a great guy and all but...". I generally cope well but every now and again it gets to me its something no one can escape its conversation everywhere especially in my line of work which I know it sounds strange but I barely pay attention to what goes on there even when I'm in the change room I'm just talking not perving or anything like that I do look don't get me wrong but I just like talking to be honest. I know this sounds disgusting but its true and its my blog so I can talk about what I want so fuck you guy. I use masturbation as a stress reliever (its better than smoking or drinking) and when I watch porn I got to admit it brings me down sometimes.

I do want physical contact its hard though(giggles to self) I don't want to sleep with a girl decide shes not for me then just dump her that's not nice and I don't want to be seen as a sleezy guy because I'm not. Getting made fun of about being a virgin I can take but sometimes it gets a little much and it brings me down. I have nothing happening right now with anyone and have no one in mind I know people I know are receiving fucked up mind games from someone else but to honest I'd like that purely because I have never experienced it I seek what I have not felt girlfriend, sex, spooning, even just a girl to hold with me on the couch while we watch movies or something..... I just want closeness with someone and I don't think anyone is interested or will be... I'm just feeling a little shit tonight I don't know what it is I'm frustrated I don't like to bring it to peoples attention even if I sort of erupt well not explode into rage I just make it obvious that something is wrong.

I get called by people as a different case I don't know what that means "WOW I'm mature and a great guy looking for love and you care and all this other shit" "that's a cool story people help others see that" cos people are fucking stupid. I do comparison which doesn't help but its hard not too and doing that makes me socially uneasy. I'm still better than what I was before, before I may have just I don't know balled my eyes out on this topic I still may but I'm being strong. I had fun today I still feel a little bored I don't know I need to fill a hole(literally) maybe.

Maybe it stems from someone I know who has had sex or has pashed or has been physical in someway with practically everyone in one of my old social groups and I get shoved aside the only one... that always made me question why am I not good enough for any act or what, its not fair for me to say that it casts the person I'm talking about quite negatively shes really a lovely girl and its probably best she never did anything with me and she has some good reasons behind her actions she's not a whore like I made her out to be above it just made me feel inadequate... I guess I get jealous of others sometimes I wish I had closeness. Taking risks.....its not me I like safe don't ask me why I don't get it either. At the end of the day I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I'm hurting myself but at least I'm not making it others problems even though I sort of am like right at this very moment. Sorry to a friend for putting up with my shit sometimes.

Wollt Ihr Das Bett In Flammen Sehen - Rammstein - Live Aus Berlin

Weathered Stone / Love Is A Fist

Maybe I was a little harsh earlier I still believe what I posted but maybe I shouldn't have gone so far as to so say pathetic it is bad though. About to go to sleep I wonder what I should do tomorrow beach will be shit cos of weather its days like this I wish I had someone to curl up with in bed and be warm and just talk but you know can't win'em all. I'll find something I don't particularly want to hang around room by myself I wish things weren't so complicated I'd love to hang with a good friend of mine but she's distanced herself from me now till she feels she's ready she still feels bad and guilty and she shouldn't its been months now but I will wait I will be patient she was with me it's only fair I hope she's OK.

I look at my surroundings looking specifically at females in my life all of them attractive to be honest and me as the friend, I see them all get treated badly aswell I don't understand what are guys doing out there a girl likes you beautiful and nice and you drag them through the mud this isn't based around a specific person or relationship its referring to all of my female friends I want to help them but I should help myself first. Guys stop being jerks they are nice people.

I'm not over empathizing like I use to which is good was at the stage earlier where I'd be directly in their shoes kinda messed up. Must cure boredom tomorrow some how anyone want to help me text me after 1 since I prob will get up or should get up at that time.

Also note watching a ingrown hair getting pulled out a vagina looks painful.

Muscle Museum - Muse - Showbiz

Just Watch The Fireworks / Lost With The Crowd

Tonight I went for drinks yeah... was a mistake bullshit just escalated why did I think it would die down it didn't such bullshit. Sucks I can't relax with some mates casually even I dragged myself into a position that I hate into the bitchiness I'm no better. It sucks seeing a friend getting picked on from everywhere she doesn't deserve that sometimes I feel like just telling them to leave her alone then I'd never hear the end of it and I guess at the end of the day we are all "adults" heh nothing but a bunch of childish children I think we all are its pathetic. Work in 30 minutes it will be a welcome breather never thought I'd say that...

Hurricane v2.0 - 30 Seconds To Mars feat. Kayne West - This Is War (Special Edition)

Passive / Building The Church (Dressing Gown Mix)

Today went to the beach in shit conditions like I'm talking thunder, lightning, humid temperature, insanely heavy rain. This shit hits I take care of a friend get essentially torn down by others for seeing if shes alright apparently its bad to be a caring friend... My other mate shows off not really winning any contests I don't think apart from showing those not common to the grounds a chance to hurt themselves its easy for those who are accustomed like myself but not to others. I later leave the beach/river to get food with friends to hear a pot shot thrown at me if the other person was there I feel they would demolish them which is why I didn't make a big deal about it. So much politics I hate it last few days was good without too much drama all this passive, unknowingly aggressive behavior is frustrating supposed to go for drinks tonight don't even want to I want to relax and have fun starting to feel like a chore this social behavior I'm currently witnessing much like a static game which is supposed to take place tomorrow.

Head Like A Hole - Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine

 

Blue Mango Cafe / Within Temptation

Today I turned 21 and I spent it with some of the besterest(its now a word deal with it) peoples in the world at one of the most relaxed locations in my life. Bodysurfing has done wonders for me and I'm going to keep it up as long as I can. I'm getting comments everywhere saying I've lost weight personally i haven't noticed but a lot of people are saying it. To a close friend of mine sucks we couldn't hang today its alright I understand whats happening with you hope things get better if you ever feel like talking to me about stuff feel free to talk to me you know I want to listen and try to help you :).

I'm looking forward to the next day now its great rather than dreading everything. I'm facing a dilemma at the moment where I could possibly get essentially something physical happening with someone that likes me I think.... but I don't know and I don't want to lead her on or hurt their feelings either. To be honest all I'd want to at the moment is lay in bed holding someone in my arms I've always wanted to experience that closeness it would be nice to me I think that's better than sex and just tell someone that I love them it would be the best thing in the world I remain optimistic that I will find this person sometime soon. I don't want to brag but I think I would make a good boyfriend sucks no one is interested.

Again before I sign off big shout out to 2 people in particular who made my birthday amazing even if it was an average day at the beach you are both awesome!!!!!!

The Birthday Song - Jon Lajoie - I Kill People

 

Got The Life / For Absent Friends

First of all I'd like to say to someone I pushed you away for awhile for my own wellbeing for the best of what we have and will continue to have in the future I'm not having a go at you far from it I just want to let you know I think about you as a friend honestly sometimes the other feelings come back I am doing well to cope and they are slowly disappearing 6 years is a long time to just let go. I'm doing my best I want you at my birthday it would not be the same without you I want you to be as close with me as before I hate hearing about how bad your life is I want to help you and listen but communication is hard I hope you feel the same as I do about hanging soon and opening up communication lines up with me soon you know what I'm like I just like to help glad to see you venting hope it helps.

Last few days have felt like a roller coaster with random trips to middle of nowhere, to a possibility of a new position at work, to a "incident" (which was handled quite well and glad no one was hurt except a fellow unicorn). Despite everything I'm holding myself up quite well I'm quite happy I'm not really to upset about anything even after getting my uni results which were actually quite good considering everything. Only thing I have no idea for is my 21st all I can say is I have nothing..... I'd love to do a big get together but I feel things won't happen. Definitely didn't stay up till 5am playing Worms last night definitely didn't do that. Going to the beach yet again yay! new housemate is pretty chillaxed as far as I can tell life be sweet I'll hang with you soon above friend you are amazing I distanced myself for the best you will see that when you see me next. My problems of taking on everything is slowly going away I'm playing things safe but not too safe its a good feeling. I'll admit being single sometimes can get to me but I cope and I'm still quite happy looking at going the beach tomorrow and jums it was closed today which made a sad, SAH sad...oh well had an amazingly simple BBQ that tasted great. Watching a bad TV show at the moment xoxo.....

Blow Me Away(2011 Mix) - Breaking Benjamin feat. Valora - Shallow Bay: The Best Of Breaking Benjamin

 

Puncture Wound / Wonderful Life

Yesterday I went to the beach had some fun even even if I didn't do much just talked to a mate and discovered something amazing later in the day called "jums". Redyed my hair now its back that bright, vibrant blue everyone loves lol life is good I literally feel happy. I do however wonder about whether a certain tradition will continue with a friend that has been off my radar for a while but always on my mind I hope she says yes. Sometimes I wish I could remove the name from my mind only so then I could have one clear day. I'm still happy as weird as it sounds and having a lot of fun but I wish I had a girlfriend I could share things with it would be lovely and with a clear head free of my friend. I find my self in a crazy situation that I don't know how to handle do I jump at the opportunity or am I misreading things if it doesn't work then things may get fucked and I can't afford that literally I need and like money to live. Tonight I find myself going to a party that I'm not sure how I feel about it seems like the unknown but I guess I will find out. I have to organize my 21st I have done nothing might aswell say I've missed it dinner I'm organizing it but mum keeps poking her head in she means well but is blind as fuck to put it nicely.

Diamond Eyes - Deftones - Diamond Eyes

 

21st Century Schizoid Man / Waiting For The Worms

Today has been rather random spent an hour at the beach before shit got real son, also a quick mention THONGS ARE G-STRINGS FOR THE FOOT AND SHOULD HAVE CONCEPT OF WEARING THEM RAPED WITH A RUSTY SHOVEL. After that sort of spaced for a bit and by that I mean pass the fuck out wake up at 9 "oh that's nice....door open I don't remember that oh well lol". Watched some bad TV that I'm growing to love lol(Especially those Blues). Then had a mass troll session and had a kick arse time playing Worms Reloaded via LAN with my Housemate she is the coolest :). Step to recovery is getting easier everyday, uni results come out tomorrow and not even worried about whether I fail or pass... well I do but I'm not making it out to be a huge drama like I was beforehand. Love life is still at a stand still but I'm not bothered as much by it this last week has been the best even if nothing has happened.

Ice Cream - Battles - Gloss Drop

 

Footprints / It Will Rain For A Million Years

Today continued the trend I got up got shit done even if this happened later in the day had an amazing tea even a glass of wine had some jokes between close friends watched some bad television and a bad movie. Sucks that one my friends got some bad news I hope you are OK man I am thinking of you and I know we don't talk to seriously about stuff but if you ever need anything don't hesitate haven't known you long but you are awesome :). I also ate a spider well most of him that was different lol surprise my reaction wasn't "What the SHIT NIGGER!!!!" I was just like... "Ohhh OK that's different lol". Was a good morning as well woke up very early to rain outside my window its great so I open my window to watch in bed don't know what it is about rain in makes things light up and up in Belmont its pretty drab if I say so myself but rain and right lighting it looks beautiful and peaceful. Life is great at the moment even if nothing is happening all very casual spending times with friends who are amazing love you all :).

Just - Radiohead - The Bends

 

Alive & Kicking / Larks' Tongues In Aspic

Have been really happy with everything today woke up continued a search I started the night before got a few rejections oh well what can you do I'm new to this so I don't expect things to happen over night you have to put some effort into these things. Ran some boring errands had some nostalgic moments in a place i use to hate even the sight of  due to being exhausted of attending but since I haven't popped in for a while it was nice as strange as it sounds. I got to hang with my family just casually no pressure even had a little lay down in my old bed plating around listening to my cd collection I left there as well as some new ones my brother has picked up. Also just great to hang with my brother like we used to just in our room I miss that sometimes. But today was great even dinner despite how terrible the food was glad I didn't pay for it is all I can say lol but I would have just for some great comfortable company at one point my Mum brought up my pills that I am on and I was talking freely about them not feeling anxious or anything. Step towards recovery I hope as boring as most people would say my day would have been if they were in my shoes I thought the last two days have been great... maybe the pressure of concealing it to my peers of my problems held me back? Whatever it was I feel great at the moment and can't wait for tomorrow even though I have nothing planned at all. Money situation has eased up today to so I feel kind of free may even splurge on a game I've had my eye on its release for a while Metal Gear Solid HD Collection FTWinRAR!!!

Jupiter Island - Porcupine Tree - On The Sunday Of Life

 

Collecting Space / For Dinner...

Today differed a great deal to yesterday I'm actually quite up. Yesterday I sort of put myself into quite a confronting position which I regretted at the time (Most Irrational day ever!!!) now I've embraced it today I walked into a room full of great people that knew I opened up to them and didn't make things weird it was like a normal day(night lol) which I could not be more happy with I know you all care just from seeing the display today I got just what I wanted no special treatment or anything could not have been more perfect :). Late night beach session without any shit going on or crap just fun times and silliness I've missed you. Tomorrow I have a family dinner which I can't wait for this distance makes you appreciate what awesome people they are.

May wake up and clean room and car with the mood I'm in at the moment either way tonight re-energized my mood which for a while felt like I was dying of something bad like cancer or AIDS.

Good Morning, Captain - Slint - Spiderland

 

Open Mind / Running Blind

This is sort of an open apology/explanation/mindless drone to some close friends of mine also to those who are new oh hai sorry if this makes you feel as if you are 12. Some of you have noticed, a lot haven't that I haven't been myself in some cases aggressive I haven't even noticed myself if I have been towards you I'm sorry and despite everything I'm going through at the moment its my problem and I shouldn't put it on anyone else especially those that are trying to help I've been a prick to put it nicely and selfish pushing those I care about away alienating most people around me. Fucking anti-depressants jerk me around like a crazy person they do good but they do bad.

I wish I wasn't so fucked up sometimes.... and sometimes I just wish things had never ever turned out this way I ruminate over someone I can never obtain plus shes feeling shit and I'm feeling shit and its a fucking circle of bullshit I can't stop thinking about. I take out my frustrations on others unintentionally so now I feel anxious towards anything I say or do as I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone I care about in the process to the point where I am becoming a nervous wreck. Ohhhh.... to those new to this you don't the person I'm fucked up over in case you point fingers "oh its this person!" and tear them down. I've been weird this past year surprised I even made new friends to be honest..... so thank you..... hopefully I can go back to happy talented soon instead of this fuckwit, anti-social dickhead, attention seeker I am now so again I'm sorry and your concerns and support has not gone unnoticed if you like to know more about me or how I feel check back I update daily and this has about 46 posts now and read back if you wish

No Control - Bullet For My Valentine - Hand Of Blood EP

 

Up The Downstair (Reprised) / With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept

Last night I got a test from someone who has so much faith and trust in me which I'm proud to say despite feelings I can give an honest answer to even if it left me drowning in thoughts most of the night. For some reason last night I have no idea why but I was tired beyond function drifting in and out, eyes becoming cross eyed at an hour that has become regular for me it was strange felt like literally passing the fuck out and I eventually did. I'm still tired but I have to get up and get ready for this BBQ I get to see an old mate and my brother people i rarely get to hang with anymore should be fun....I'm still so very tired....

Make Up Your Mind - Theory Of A Deadman - Theory Of A Deadman (Self-Titled)

Tweez / Reject Yourself

Doing things for the sake of doing things I never do that never *eyes shift* what is wrong with me nothing entertains me nothing I'm beginning to worry I may not be interested or excited to do anything ever again I try doing things watching things I wouldn't normally do but still I remain bored out of my mind. I did have a little excitement tonight getting quoted in a countdown on a big music site for one of my favourite albums Porcupine Tree's "Fear Of A Blank Planet" great album id you haven't heard it but you can see my quote on this page HERE :).

Must find some entertainment. Must find purpose to wake up in morning. If my counselor saw these "must's" she would kill me. I want a reason to wake up why should I wake up to be bored out of my mind I do things to distract from thoughts GO AWAY!!! Tomorrow I'm waking up at an ungodly hour to help a new housemate move I seriously cbf but it'll drag me away from this prison I have created so I'm going to try and smile. I can't cry such a robot. Excusing myself from things is becoming harder even casual questions like you want a beer or why are you busy is starting to get to me. There is still important people who have no idea how I am I kinda want to scream for help, someone to talk to but I'm scared and no one cares anyway plus as a guy I must satisfy and upkeep image its such bullshit. I hate what I have become I used to be so strong now I'm a wreck anxious about everything even though things are probably fine I'm just blind to everything and kind of retarded.

Just Barely Breathing - Killswitch Engage - Alive Or Just Breathing

No Twilight Within the Courts of the Sun / *#..

I don't know what to do...I'm laying on my bed in my room wishing I could help myself but I don't instead I wait for others but no one comes or even texts. I want to go somewhere but I don't have any motivation to do anything much really. I hear of others worried about other people and contacting them about there well being I think people think I'm fine with everything. I'm not. Instead I may just lock self in room and fap... no wait can't really do that well either FML. Steven Wilson you will soothe me.

Collecting Space - Steven Wilson - Insurgentes (BONUS DISC)

Awake / Frak The Gods

6am... all to common a thing to me... I should develop a reason/something to occupy my time but I got nothing except floating around finding various errands to run. Doctors orders...

1. Eat one healthy meal a day (pfft lol that'll happen for sure)
2. 30 Minute Walk at least (this I'd love to do does someone want to join me)

I only did that cos I wanted an excuse for an ordered list section lolol hooray for exciting different structuring of text. I'm a little calmer than earlier thinking of ways the brickwork of my social group can be repaired thinking carefully. At the moment I think of someone I shouldn't, try to cry but the tears won't come stupid pills won't let me. What to do tomorrow all that's on my agenda is to pay my phone bill all the excitement I'd love to do something go for a run at the beach, hang out with friends and watch movies(won't hold breath for that one). See someone...No bad justin STOP IT!(Envision Coach from TV series "New Girl"). Oh well whatever I do tomorrow its gotta be better than today I passed out for 4 hours and was like ok...then and lazed around doing nothing at least I had a little chance to think tonight... I guess, about how to approach incoming out of control social vehicles not that I have a huge clue but at least I've had a step back and surveyed the carnage and realized...........



SHIT BE FUCKED SON!!!!

I Don't Want To Wait - Paula Cole - Dawson's Creek Soundtrack

(Never had his HAIR!!!!)

Still Day Beneath The Sun / Bad Luck, Fist Fuck

Today started off well more like oh shit I have 15 minutes to get dressed and drive and drive to the doctors oh shit son made it one time... then the doctor tells me its normal for me to not make it on time(by that I mean later rather than sooner lol things are all over the shop) for another 6 months FML then to top it off receive a speeding fine oh great from like a month ago. I'm finally at my parents still a little meh about going there as I don't know what I'm walking into there sometimes.

I worry about a friend she seems anxious right now anger has died down a bit with her I want you to know people care for you and your wellbeing.. well at least I do. People are all a little fucked up right now things are all just falling to pieces and people are gathering the remains trying to put things together well I am...will someone help me play lego :(

Broken Wings - Alter Bridge - One Day Remains

Seperate Lives / Hey Man, Nice Shot / Knife Party

Life.... nothing goes right love....non existent, friends...in separate rooms, family...never satisfied. Always stuck in the middle being neutral has ups...and downs tonight shit went down the second I became fully aware while at a party others may not have noticed but I had a massive anxiety attack chest tight felt like I was being choked to death and was holding my breath to not cause a stir for others lucky I was sitting down is all I could say I know it sounds selfish but the what if scenarios I ran through my head are coming to life. From now on I'll be like a victim of divorce in a way hanging with one friend at a time... and yes, I am aware that my friend was being a dick so I completely understand where one friend is going with this I know because I do hold similar values and morals which as a guy makes me gay yeah?

Don't mind my rant above my friend is copping emotional pain and anger all of which valid I'm just being selfish and worrying about myself. Went to a party tonight I know I was wanted I just feel alone heard a few lines which is intended to be nice but it cuts into me "You'll find someone your a nice guy" wow cool story bro hasn't happened yet MR 5000th person to say that. Being the nice guy is shit you get nowhere I can't even change too I've tried its not me I love getting stepped on... Please Life get better for me and my friends I really don't ask for much I just want people to get along... I can understand why they won't and agree. A friend told me things can't stay negative forever...but must things get worse I hate this please let the growth happen and something positive happen soon I'm losing optimism with life. These pills are making happy but all I want to is just tear down a building in anger and cry in the corner life sucks!

Heaven's A Lie - Lacuna Coil - Comalies