Alone I Break / Wheels Of Confusion

Sex, I mentioned/stated my views on this before I've always put love first or a relationship first and I say its not important to me but it gets to me being the 21 year old virgin with body issues and being called a great guy but only as a friend, every girl I have ever known sex with me is just like "what, no its Justin he's a great guy and all but...". I generally cope well but every now and again it gets to me its something no one can escape its conversation everywhere especially in my line of work which I know it sounds strange but I barely pay attention to what goes on there even when I'm in the change room I'm just talking not perving or anything like that I do look don't get me wrong but I just like talking to be honest. I know this sounds disgusting but its true and its my blog so I can talk about what I want so fuck you guy. I use masturbation as a stress reliever (its better than smoking or drinking) and when I watch porn I got to admit it brings me down sometimes.

I do want physical contact its hard though(giggles to self) I don't want to sleep with a girl decide shes not for me then just dump her that's not nice and I don't want to be seen as a sleezy guy because I'm not. Getting made fun of about being a virgin I can take but sometimes it gets a little much and it brings me down. I have nothing happening right now with anyone and have no one in mind I know people I know are receiving fucked up mind games from someone else but to honest I'd like that purely because I have never experienced it I seek what I have not felt girlfriend, sex, spooning, even just a girl to hold with me on the couch while we watch movies or something..... I just want closeness with someone and I don't think anyone is interested or will be... I'm just feeling a little shit tonight I don't know what it is I'm frustrated I don't like to bring it to peoples attention even if I sort of erupt well not explode into rage I just make it obvious that something is wrong.

I get called by people as a different case I don't know what that means "WOW I'm mature and a great guy looking for love and you care and all this other shit" "that's a cool story people help others see that" cos people are fucking stupid. I do comparison which doesn't help but its hard not too and doing that makes me socially uneasy. I'm still better than what I was before, before I may have just I don't know balled my eyes out on this topic I still may but I'm being strong. I had fun today I still feel a little bored I don't know I need to fill a hole(literally) maybe.

Maybe it stems from someone I know who has had sex or has pashed or has been physical in someway with practically everyone in one of my old social groups and I get shoved aside the only one... that always made me question why am I not good enough for any act or what, its not fair for me to say that it casts the person I'm talking about quite negatively shes really a lovely girl and its probably best she never did anything with me and she has some good reasons behind her actions she's not a whore like I made her out to be above it just made me feel inadequate... I guess I get jealous of others sometimes I wish I had closeness. Taking risks.....its not me I like safe don't ask me why I don't get it either. At the end of the day I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I'm hurting myself but at least I'm not making it others problems even though I sort of am like right at this very moment. Sorry to a friend for putting up with my shit sometimes.

Wollt Ihr Das Bett In Flammen Sehen - Rammstein - Live Aus Berlin