Since my last post some pretty significant events I think have past including my first actual night off for a party in while like a long while and what did I do sit by myself in a room full of people I know and want to talk to me but I just sat drinking drowning myself in my own misery to the point of being sick which has never happened to me.
I feel separated from reality even the slightest thing someone says and I will analyze it even if it means nothing. I'm constantly behaving like a crazy person, If I do something even if it's something i would normally do or say do I'll restrain myself thinking well if I am behaving like a weirdo how long have I been like this...Maybe I need to step out of comfort zone.... which scared me so i just curled up in my room worrying about who I'm going to push away next like I have early tonight....I hope I can sleep tonight images, they suck(well they don't suck they are the most beautiful images imaginable to me BUT THEY MUST GO AWAY!).
I don't know what to do? how do I stop this? what can I do to help it? what shouldn't I do?
Social awkwardness.... 20 years of loneliness ..... always the friend that's what I'll always be to anyone, "you want to go out to the moovies shawtee?" "Oh...ahhh I don't see you that way, but we can hang" story of my fucking life. I can't even sort of do anything about being lonely cos of my own baggage and how I'm still very much in love. And I don't want to make some girl feel like a second chance draw that's not fair and not nice at all.
I guess I'll return to the routine Fap, Cry, Sleep yayayay fapping to temp distract me about life being all of the amazing feeling right now....
A Drowning - How To Destroy Angels - How To Destroy Angels(Self-titled EP)
EP is free download at http://howtodestroyangels.com/
>> I feel separated from reality even the slightest thing someone says and I will analyze it even if it means nothing. I'm constantly behaving like a crazy person, If I do something even if it's something i would normally do or say do I'll restrain myself thinking well if I am behaving like a weirdo how long have I been like this...
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if it makes you feel any better, but this is a common thing with depression. I don't feel as if you're pushing me away and I certainly don't see you as a crazy person. It's probably about 99.99% your heightened sensitivity to criticism in play here because I know from my perspective at least - although I'm a terrible troll and a loudmouthed shit-stirrer at times, that's all it really amounts to. The most I ever do is occasionally watch your reactions in social groups and try to read whether you're generally having fun or not, in the hopes that I can find some reference point from you somewhere to show that at the least, things are occasionally nice and you get a bit of relief from your sad feelings and thoughts in your head. I'm pretty sure that comes under concern for a friend though, and it's certainly nothing for you to feel even the slightest bit guilty about. From an outward perspective you didn't seem too bad tonight. Certainly nothing mentionable. I hope a different perspective can set your mind at ease somewhat concerning this.
/b/