21st Century (Digital Boy) - Bad Religion - Stranger Than Fiction
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Sometimes I Feel Like / World Won't Stop
Why am I alone I know I've been told before what my issues are and putting this up doesn't help me play the victim any less. Why do others with bigger problems such as cheaters who do it over and over get away with things, people who are crazy, or vindictive, or whatever. While me willing to give a girl the world, have fun, and be supportive gets nothing... I once asked a honest friend if they didn't know me walked into a party/club and saw me would you give me a chance or look the other way in all honesty they said no I would not give you a chance. I can't lie it hurts to know that looks make up for so much. Tonight I was tense and couldn't move with tears just sitting in my eyes ready at the slightest dig at me to just burst into tears I'll even admit to going to my room to let out some tears I'm pathetic I write this now with tears in my eyes. I worry and think I'm boring. I wish I had stories to tell but I don't all I have is other peoples stories to tell. Am I wasting my life?...everyone I've ever known has something to tell I can't think of a thing. I can tell of stories of friends betraying me over the years I have a lot of those all I do is give my all to a friendship I thought once I left school primary and secondary it would just end but I guess that's me being blind and naive. Today a friend tried to talk to me but I don't know I don't want to rely on her or bring down her great mood that's not fair. Again sex is an issue its hard to describe to those who aren't in my position I know some people who I won't name because they like to play up that they aren't virgins which is fine that's their choice I go the honest way which at times is literally a kick in the knee. The best way to describe it is that in this world I feel like there's a secret club that everyone knows and talks about openly and I'm not allowed to join. I'm fucking stupid. People read this for comedy I'm a joke. I should just stay in my room I just drag others down annoy them with my anxiety and push it on others that's all this blog does as well. All I do is ramble on. I cry for hours.. straighten face for others... look at myself in the mirror just want to smash my reflection.
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I'm starting to get really worried about you again. I think you might need to push in another emergency appointment or talk to lifeline if you're need to talk and you're not comfortable talking to friends right now (I'm always here to listen, don't worry about that).
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mindrecipes.com/2011/what-other-people-think-of-me-is-none-of-my-business/
You really need to stop worrying about what other people think of you. As the article says, what other people think of you is none of your business. And for goodness sake, don't worry about bringing my mood down if you need to talk! I'm in charge of my own moods and feelings, if you need to talk to me, by all means talk to me. I could see you needed an ear yesterday arvo, you don't need to hold back. I'll handle myself and tell you if it's too much, you know that :) Plus, it's unlikely to be too much anyway. But yeah, if not me then someone, and definitely try to get in touch with someone disconnected from the group on top of talking to people within it, it's always nice to have the support of an impartial professional and it'll set my mind at ease that you're getting the right advice as well. I hate seeing you so down, there's no need for it and you're too nice to be feeling so shit man.
Back to this whole "peoples' opinions are none of your business" thing. I'm pretty much so happy right now for two reasons:
1. I don't give a merry fuck what people think of me, and I don't do things just to please/impess others.
2. I focus on the good stuff and when I find myself caught up on the shit stuff going on, I try to spend any time on it thinking of ways to resolve it and then move on if nothing comes to mind after a few minutes.
If you work on that, you're golden. Back to (1). Look at all the stupid shit that has gone on in the local friendship group lately. People that weren't even involved posting about my marriage on public blogs, other people that I expect to know better being dickbags and posting that up on facebook where 50+ mutual friends can see it.....things like having people ask about my divorce, having to explain that it was due to domestic violence, people not listening when I ask them to take it down because they don't know what they are getting into....schoolyard bullying from the girls, smart-arsed anonymous digs in status updates - look how fucked I was for the couple of days I let it get to me, and look at me now. The shit is all still there if I go looking for it, but instead I'm looking at the stuff that puts a smile on my face. Then there's the family stuff and the boy stuff, you know it all....If I let that stuff get to me, I'm handing people that would try to hurt me full control of my emotions and they do not deserve that. It's not worth my time. Plus, half the stuff that we as people are inclined to worry about when it comes to how others see us are things nobody even notices anyway, because everyone else is too busy caught up in that same concern about what others are thinking of them. It's a part of the human condition, you can get away with plenty of faux pas without worrying about other people picking up on it, and then you can use the extra slack on your anxiety levels to have a fucking good time! :D It's the same for you man.
You have plenty of awesome things to look forward to and plenty of people that care about you and think you're the bomb. Fuck the rest of it! You have SOAD and what else is it.... Dillinger tonight? And you have a kick-arse brother that shares your interests and wants your time....you are so lucky to have something like that - see you have things that others would love to have as well (and don't feel bad about that, before you start :P). As for girls, fuck girls! Not in the biblical sense. Seriously, I know I've said it a million times but it doesn't matter. Figure it out when the time comes and don't worry about it in the meantime, or you'll send yourself quite insane.
ReplyDeleteWhether or not you've had sex or a girlfriend or whatever else means jack shit and why are you comparing yourself to others anyway? Other people don't have a fucking clue what they are doing with their lives just as much as anyone else. If you want goals to aim for, don't look to those around you as a comparison point, just think of things you like the idea of achieving and keep throwing yourself at those things until you get there. And don't be too harsh on yourself if it takes ages or you don't get there or whatever. It will eventually happen and then you can celebrate. Kicking yourself for how long it takes is just pushing you further away from your goals, you have to get excited about things and keep working at them, not chastise yourself for bumps along the way, they are just bumps.
Nobody that matters is judging you. Idk, maybe ask your counselor or doctor or whatevs about some techniques to relax or something? You're so wound up at the moment and there's really not that much pressure on you, I think if her's a way to help you with that, you might be better positioned to knock out some of your other stress and depression-related symptoms.
Anyway, I'm in an interview today and then who knows later but I am thinking of you and I'll be around to talk whenever I can. Make sure you seek help and talk if you're feeling this way again, don't worry about bothering people, if you need to talk, you need to talk.
Plus, anything that helps you get better helps everyone in the long term anyway, so even if you wanted to use the whole bullshit excuse of not wanting to bother people by talking, you couldn't :P
*hugs* I hope you feel better. I'm going to go sleep now as I spent the night working on engine bays and am super wrecked now. Smile :)