Selfish and urghhh

I've become quite selfish, and feel so sleazy. Whatever I write here I feel self conscious about like people,friends might read and go well fuck you I sound and feel like a child. I.... dont know what to do anymore I'm empty and have no reason to be every thing I complain about nothing but a first world problem...I'm tired ignore this post. Always a fucking victim!!!

Thoughts of a Dying Atheist / DFA

I feel jealous of others experiences like I'm not good enough to have anything like they state. I'm anxious towards calling my mother since I sent her a harsh but very true message she has tried contacting me to which I responded not now I have things to do I know she'll be cool with things I'm just uncomfortable towards talking with her I guess. I'm not crying today but I do feel very tense like things just won't end. I am jealous of others in all departments despite that I think I'm holding myself together quite well today just wish my body would settle down its so tight chest feels like I'm having a heart attack in a quiet relaxed room.

Sing For Absolution - Muse - Absolution

 

......

I lay in bed trying to close my eyes instead worrying about my life I'm currently broke tomorrow I have to pay rent, get more anti-depressants, pay overdue phone bill, put money away for bills. Not to mention later in the week I have to worry about having no presents for friends birthday, pay for movies for mates birthday, rego coming up and much more... Love non-existant. Anxiety always high feel like I'm just having my lungs squeezed all day from panic attacks. Life seems like a disaster feels like ive fucked things up and its only going to get worse. Crying is always an attractive quality yeah? So tired all the time

Apocalypse Please / Glory Box

Awake for the sake of being awake..... feeling like.... *starts crying* I don't know. I lay awake trying to figure out life I suppose everyone does this. It's times like these I want to move home, quit my job, quit uni, cut contact because I don't know. I keep saying that.

My mind keeps sexualising everything which I know is bad so I just stay quiet and keep my mouth shut speak when spoken to.

Heartattack In A Layby / XMII

I don't know what's wrong with me I tell myself I feel uncomfortable with things today so I go to my room to unwind with some videos games but I can't do that I stare at a screen feelings come rushing back I cry but don't at the same time I just keep wiping tears away trying to pull myself together I'll go out to people in a minute try and smile keep up appearances and such. I'm tired so tired I've had plenty of sleep I just want to drift into a sleep but i know thats dumb I'll fuck up my already fucked sleeping pattern.....arghhh...anyway.....back to happy facade happy happy why am I down I don't have much to be down about I have great close friends and stuff I don't know.

Stars Die - Porcupine Tree - The Sky Moves Sideways

Insectica / Cherry-Lane

Its been miserable at times this weekend feeling empty and alone not making society ideals that get to me at times sleeping away times where I should be doing something but lacking motivation. Hearing about friends being mugged, physically attacked and such and them not telling you because they don't want you to worry about them. Having a feeling of uncertainty towards life, love, & finance staring at a ceiling for most of the time. Lacking appetite and energy. Dealing with a social group full of the thing that increases my curiosity and hate towards that topic seeing power games, & mind games along with harsh judgements being made (not that I can't talk I'm one of the worse for it I'm just not as loud about it as others). I have situations in love up in the air which is starting to feel like star watching its just always going to be out of reach with me. I sit and stare into space at times....at the point where I'm accepting the fact that any girl I ever want will always be a friend to me. Learn to warm to knowing that my girlfriend will be my hand......The thing is I'll admit my sexual curiosity is high but what I really want is just a warm embrace a girl to be close with. I know I talk about this shit all the time and people will read this and go AGAIN....gah seriously man get over it others have worse problems than your shit. I guess I want to talk its just I know my problems pale in comparison but when it does come to conversation I'm in a blank state and look like an idiot which increases anxiety which increases my rumination GAH FUCKING CYCLES OF SHIT!!!!!...Then once I have thoughts my time to talk has passed (same with this blog I've probably forgotten a topic that I wanted to post my thoughts on). I started to feel much happier near the end of the night getting a few thanks from people tonight helped me feel appreciated which was a nice feeling.

2+2=5 - Radiohead - Hail To The Theif

The Amalgamut / Clouds

Yesterday was pretty good, today I wake up so so tired still am I'm staring into space blank not knowing what to feel. I'm down but don't know what about a bit from loneliness I guess but to be honest I don't why I'm down. I'm also having some physical side effects to my extra dosage I've been put on its not fun. Its hot I'm sweaty and uncomfortable getting a headache from lack of sleep. May go down super market to grab something for decent for dinner then head in for early shift. Also worried about a close friend hope things don't get anymore complicated for you.

 

Catch A Falling Knife - Filter -The Trouble With Angels

Avant-Garde / Normal

To be honest I don't what to blog about I'll start with an apology last post was out of line I'll do my best to not let it happen again. I had a good day today will return soon with a proper post for those interested in my life. In the meantime watch this interesting performance from an amazing band.

Break The Same - Mutemath - Live On Conan O'Brian

Get Innocuous! / Never As Tired As When I'm Waking Up

I write this about to collapse from having nothing feeling forgotten without even a text to tell me hey we are having fun without you feeling like I've been ditched all I did was have a shower even if it was random I was 3 mins up the road I could have met up with people but i guess they didn't want me I don't blame them to much...so now for the rest of the day I have to pretend like I don't care and wait for when they are hungry may collapse before then plus I have no money.... I checked my window constantly waiting for a car don't why I bothered I'm a wet blanket anyway bringing my problems up wanting to talk all the time.

Consider This / Short Bus

Last 2 days have been contrasting yesterday was awesome and comfortable. Today on the other hand has had it moments but ultimately I feel more anxious i just feel like I'm out of place in terms of conversation I'll say something get a bad look or a laugh or well... just not the reaction I'm looking for then I feel like an idiot. I also wake up to a email from someone I have talked about many times on this blog asking how I am and stuff all just general stuff I start to write reply not even one line down I couldn't finish the reply so I stopped and just slept, woke up, tried again and felt I couldn't write it which is strange for me. I'm stressing over finances I think of everything I need money for, I think of how I should be mentally when uni starts up, social commitments, birthdays for close friends I want to lavish with something, gifts, or personal sentiment/homemade gifts and just don't have a thing. Everything is becoming a bit much I know others have problems and stuff so if I sound like a fuck I'll stop. Parents breath down my neck when they see a gap in my simple conversation. I'm kinda blank, feel hollow like I'm trying fill a void in my life and instead walking around in circles trying to find a purpose when all I probably need to do is just take a different step every now and again.

I'm Not The Only One - Filter - Title Of Record

 

Of Emptiness / One Winged Angel

Its hard to write this without me falling deeper into a hole. Love is a cunt it's the most dangerous weapon in the world and it can be triggered in so many ways sometimes in ways you can't even explain to yourself or others. It appears randomly at times like the last two days for me an old name appears just in my head just her name that's it.... and it won't go away. I'm not even hiding as I write this I don't know what to write my mind is blank I feel nothing to anything I'm anxious still, afraid to talk scared people will just tell me to fuck off I want to talk at the moment I don't and can't as I'm blank but as much as I say I hate thinking about my image. In a way when people ask "What's wrong?" it is nice to know people sort of give a shit it lifts my spirit in a sad way at the time I'll be like they think I'm fucked. If I continue to write on the topics I want to talk about here I'd be here all day and possibly break down and cry I did partly writing this.

Drowning In Slow Motion - Trivium - In Waves

Tight

Chest tight... Don't know if wanted or just needed for something why does it flare up this anxiety gah.... Feel trapped just woke up. Don't wanna talk scared I'll hurt someone or offend or embarrass myself. Why am I scared of everyone why do I want to scream. I wake up tired and people think I've been crying fuck I have a lovely image.I'm sensitive and a little bitch and I don't know what to do with myself I'll just piss someone off its what I'm good at then cry or get upset and people will just tell me to fuck off.

Cover Version III / A Day Of Difference / River People

Its amazing what a difference people have on you and your mood yesterday was average....not great but better than the last few days spent most of it well doing nothing but less anxious and relaxed. List

• Saw the American Remake of "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
• Got my computer sorted
• Someone bought me breakfast twice today
• Given Free Pizza

I'm still worried about myself today someone reappeared in my brain and it was just repeating over and over again, I'm just thinking this can't be a good sign what is wrong with me can I let go when I thought I had today proves me wrong was out of nowhere too :-/. Work was average this weekend no close friends there to talk to but I made do. I still hate myself for my inadequacies and my appearance wishing for some physical contact someone to hold and care for would be nice.

  Immigrant Song - Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross Feat. Karen O - The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo [US] Soundtrack

 

Hard Days Night / (Blank)

Cry, work, cry, work it's all I've been doing wipe away tears tell people I'm tired can't take a night off money is tight I just want to go home hug some pillows stay there away from annoying everyone lay motionless in my room in darkness. I give up chasing entertainment I can't find anything when i find something, something will block it or create more stress to suck out the fun. Always bored, always crying. Fuck up on stage in front of everyone I laugh it off then break down later. I fuck everything up I'm way to sensitive and anxcious to function. I just push everyone away writing this I'm seeking attention dont give it to me I'm not worth your time. Everyone has problems I'm just selfish. I keep imagining fucked scenarios have crazy dreams while sleeping at night wake up exhausted and tense I write hear because I'm scared people will just tell me to fuck off would people honestly care if I was just gone like overseas, dead, in a coma probably not I'm a footnote go to a party I'm not alpha im not the loser or the weirdo I'm the guy that is just expected to be there if I wasn't it would be oh well no big deal. I try to please everyone when I try I get told I'm wrong or I fucked it up all I always seek approval from people I get excited about small things since nothing much else happens I tell others hey look what I found or i just did this people just go "wow" sarcastically cutting me down to feeling like a child me being touchy and sensitive I just insult myself jokingly and carry on. I go on about wanting a girlfriend but who'd want to be with this im playing my favourite role the victim I cry the second I'm left alone I walk like a zombie scared to open my mouth as ill offend or just plain make an embarassment out of myself. Push people away with my petty complaints. Ill stop now sorry for wasting everyones time thats all I do.

Defender / The Same

Why am I so empty..... Home feels like the same thing.... Tears build enough to drown me and 10 men. Poor, alone, feeling unwanted, people treat sex as nothing but its all around making me feel like trash its all trash I guess I'm trash why can't I be entertained why can't I have fun why can't I be content with things. Can't I turn my brain off. Does it make me weak to want to break down and cry and ask for some physical comfort I'd even like someone to just talk to. I sit with friends awkwardly hiding tears trying not to ruin a good time I ruin everything....

Beat Hazard / New Born / Pathetic Entry #78

Whats wrong with me I sit in a lounge room relaxed playing a video game with tears in my eyes all because I'm alone fuck I'm pathetic I actually had a good day what's wrong with me...Thinking will life always be me with friends and that's it. I see couples everywhere I get jealous and want to cry I'm a terrible person being all jealous and shit. I'll just sit here trying to forget my embarrassment of a life out of peoples way all I do is impede people I complain here as to not be a code yellow. I hear casual stories about sex and casual conversations of any pseudo relationship whether it be friends with benefits, to boyfriend and girlfriend, to just one night stands makes me feel great that I'm never even thought of as an interest as well as being totally stressed about finances and stuff maybe I should just sleep. I'm nothing but an attention seeking anxious loser don't mind me.  

In bed

Pounding headache scared of tomorrow tears in eyes just once I'd like some to hold. I can see sunlight around my curtains thinking what will life throw at me next. Can I be happy...break?...yes? I can has one? I'm going to sleep.....

Onward Into Battle / Idle Blood

Today I sat awkwardly in my house feeling like nobody wanted me there despite knowing logically that people like me I think but I don't know I second guess myself every thing I do or think scared I'm going to annoy someone or make a mistake and people will cut me down so I just stay motionless or say nothing only when I have to or when I have the courage to. I leave for work thinking well they don't have to deal with me anymore at least.... I feel like breaking down crying I can't even help myself I try sitting around people in an attempt at escaping my lonely self I suppose I should get used it but I'm scared I type this in tears why am I scared of myself how can I be so good at helping others but pathetic towards myself. Why am I always a friend... I get told everyday that I'm sweet and funny and caring but never anyone worth dating from many people it gets to me that I'm all these things all positive qualities I guess its a physical thing being unattractive and overweight which I'm trying to fight slowly. I have a girl that may or may not be interested in me then she uses word like friend and have interruptions all that's going through my head is she's way too attractive for you, it won't happen, you will fuck up the little niche group you have right now, your in the friend zone forget about it, & work will then be fucked for a year like before. WHY AM I SUCH AN ANXIOUS FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!! I want to scream and cry in pain. Even when I'm around others I feel alone, hated, not wanted, waste of space, weird, always wrong. I'm very touchy at the moment I wish someone would just hug me pat me on the back and say its alright. I know I was there for a friend tonight but what they don't know is that they were really there for me as well.

Day And Then The Shade - Katatonia - Night Is The New Day

 

Work Journal #173

20:00 get a warm welcome from staff as always and joke  around :)

20:27 cringe at a dancer thats on she looks 32 even though shes actually 21 and speaks like a man also shes a stuck up bitch

20:45 free pizza! Also I notice deaf.games competitors are in interesting

21:00 set show up piss easy no props or anything

21:16 sitting in change room while  dancers shower and do there hair while a dancer sits on my lap talking

21:34 find out bar tender has epic bring me the horizon tattoo on her ribs see a derp fuckwit from high school

21:47 hear funny stories from a dancer

22:02  organising another huge cross country walk with dancers

22:19 move out poker chairs

22:31 awkward peer pressure questioning which was lol pack up poker

23:01 hair discussion

23:41 dancer gives me half a pizza

23:46 having a casual discussion about speed

00:07  job offer to work in the mines

00:20 on break

00:50 spent break going through female self defence with a dancer

01:15 overhear results over last weeks knife pull incident

02:10  over hear a debate over bi-sexuality involving relationships

02:30 bar shuts

02:57 club close and kick out

i / I Am The Thorn / A Pocketful Of Stones

Today my chest has been tight as shit been so uncomfortable and anxious thinking everyone has a problem with me and to be honest I don't know if people just with stand me or not or find me annoying at the moment. Went to the doctors and I fucked it up because I forgot details of course memory loss is great. I currently live with a nice girl who I could see being friends with but not living with she is slowly getting on mine and others nerves. I myself am paranoid that people don't like me at the moment anxiety last few days have been really high such as a constant panic attack today which was fun I love feeling like my body is having a fit constantly its my favourite. On the plus side I've managed to slowly down play sex jokes still let some slip but I was a little better today I think. I want to find answers for myself I know its a long process I try to stop myself from repeating cycles that keep me down I'm going to book a counseling appointment tomorrow. At least I have honest friends sure sometimes their honesty can upset me sometimes for a while but I know they are trying to help me at the end of the day. I'd like to apologize for any inappropriate behavior in the last few days I was childish trying to cope with my own shit but that's no excuse for my behavior.

In This Twilight - Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero

 

This place...

Lonely I sit in a waiting room full of obvious mental problems makes me feel amazing.... Its lonely, scares me to think how far I've fallen with peaceful degrading music playing to calm me down to think this all got triggered when I fell in love originally then I collapsed into what ever they call this state.... Oh wait I remember severe anxiety and severe depression best labels evah.....

Revolution 909 / Party Smasher

Happiness apparently is what I make it. It all seems that recently I don't know what will make me happy. Last few days all I've done is cover up my problems by making jokes about it to the point where I look stupid and sound like a one minded fuck like most people I know. Anxiety is up and high as well which is great with people talking about the topic so casually meanwhile the act for me is a mile away but talked about and made fun of not to mention in media everywhere you look. Memory is just all over the place I feel like a fool. I want to hide away but I don't I know I'll just break down and cry, a break from my robot/zombie like existence I currently lead for people to see. Would people care if I was in my room all day I don't know would people go of out their way to contact me I don't know. This is all anxiety talking I know that it just fucks with me. There's someone I'm thinking of asking out and have for a while but... all that runs through my head is will I ruin another friendship and fuck my work environment like I have once before for a year sure we are cool now but do I want to go through it again the previous did approach me in private saying I'm not a sleezy guy saying I am sweet which is nice. But I feel there is so much more at stake this time around I've built a nice niche of friends at work and I'm worried I'll ruin it. I feel alone and am stressed worried about things most days I feel inadequate, alone, aswell as thinking I'm just letting everyone down I try to help everyone and make everyone happy that maybe my problem. Maybe I need a down day just a day at home not running everywhere to unwind and relax I rarely do that. Is it wrong to in this day and age to be a nice guy who wants to be friends with the person they want a relationship with. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow I have to wake up for I've missed it before I'm wide awake but I will get up this time this morning I slept through work. I was being a selfish cock late tonight being selfish and passively emotional to new housemates and friends aswell as being in an awkward situation that I'm all for but with my anxiety high I'm worried I'm going to ruin things for everyone I know I probably won't logically but last time anxiety hit a high and felt like I hit a wall. I know I shouldn't need someone to feel happy and it probably won't make me feel happy in the long run I need to feel happy alone I know people over look things especially people who have experienced the things that I haven't say "its not that great guy..." I would love to talk about this stuff with people or someone face-to-face but I'm scared that people will be like stop going on and on and just snap and I'll have no one to talk to.All I have done is go on and on here just forget this post sorry to bother anyone doesn't matter anyway no one will read this far down anyway probably doesn't make sense.

Every Day Is Exactly The Same - Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth

Remedy

I realize looking at my last post I sound a bit like a pushy creep if you realize what I'm talking about I know I have to draw my own experiences its part of it but as I said curiosity gets a bit much at times and the questions I ask are embarrassing and personal most of the time on that topic so I don't know....

A Poor Man's Memory / Sea Incertain

Today something I've been brushing over and don't want to admit I realized has gotten worse and is effecting interaction everyday making me look like an idiot. My memory is getting bad I'm forgetting details and people are starting pick up and I feel like an idiot its frustrating and makes me look like a bad listener I'd like people to know I do listen to them sorry if I forget small details of important things don't think I haven't been paying attention because I do. I've felt kind of down and tried to take my mind off things that roll around in my head so I go out of my way to talk about it make jokes....*sigh* that'll work yeah.... here I go being all depressed about the same shit that I talked about every week at least once its a subject I'm curious about its all such a mystery to me I know people say what do you mean its everywhere....it is everywhere and makes me feel stupid when I ask a question and people go "What are you stupid?" and laugh thinking I'm joking. All I think in my head is I just wanted an explanation I sound like I'm half joking and I'm aware I may sound retarded to everyone else but I come to some sort of asking for facts or their opinions on things not for necessarily answers some I do ask are good about it some are condescending and just make me inadequate about it. I know I focus on this a lot and anything I say is an excuse for my own inaction and I'm playing a victim again its all bullshit rumination can be a cunt always swimming in circles all my fault even speaking about I sound bad. I hate this memory thing I'm experiencing at the moment its just shit why has it appeared I wasn't always like this I'm usually quite good even my music facts is lacking and I'm usually epic at that. All this crap at once can sometimes just beats me down into the ground(screaming some sound). I worry about finances as well as everything else in my life like how my current image looks I think is just looking pathetic.

Technologic - Daft Punk - Human After All

 

Friend In The Field(2) / Close To Me

I live a strange life sometimes life filled with strange coincidences such as random neighbors and such not all bad. I'm kind of in a weird situation with things neither up nor down I think I'm up. Like with whats happening with someone in my life physically close whispering in front of people and someone always tracking me down and wanting me not to leave them, cheek to cheek....while discussing the dating game????, people commenting saying "Are you together?", "You are cute together", "Am I interrupting something", then asking to stay in my bed with me but then getting embarrassed if some people hear or deny things.....its just kind of weird I don't know what to think am I a weird public secret. Despite all this talk I'm not taking it to seriously I'm kind of treating it as practice and am enjoying the closeness in the process I'm not thinking about everything as much as if this situation arose a while ago which seems good I think. Banana Stickers for:

• Gaining what seems like an epic housemate
• Seeing an amazingly cheap and epic gig
• Gaining a extra quiet shift
• Seeing my brother

Things may be stressful money wise but I am coping...somehow.

The Design - Circles - The Compass

I Will Write Soon....

I want to blog about things and will when I'm not super tired or busy as fuck stay tuned...

Walk Off From Providence... No Pussyfooting / Crash

Today was tiring but great for me it looks like tomorrow may be the same but I'm keen my legs are fucked from walking for over 20km through all kinds of terrain got my face burnt but hey who cares its not too bad of a burn and I'm treating it with creams List:

• 20km walk with awesome people
• Market with some pretty cool people
• Had fun at work with some cool funny people

Despite my good day others around me are having a shit time more than just one person I've got so many today even people really left wing to me asking for help apparently I'm approachable which is nice but I hope everyone is OK.

Crashing Around You - Machine Head - Supercharger

Will To Rebuild / Belle De Jour

Today was me being me and speaking like this doesn't help as that is something I've got to stop "rumination" and maybe I also have to work on my independence a bit as well maybe with me sorta relying on emotional support most of the time asking for answers. I have trouble answering myself for fear of making the wrong decision and disappointing or fucking up others...here I go ruminating again. I know recently I've caused frustration and anger in some people who I must thank for being patient with me and honest I do appreciate it I do I'll try and make up for my....well....shitness(playing the victim STOP IT!). To be honest at the moment I struggle to feel more than blah I know my happiness is what I make it and I need to learn to deal with that. I like to think I'm open minded most of the time willing to take close friends views on board and try to tackle it and try and change my behavior I know in my state now I can be a pain and I'm glad people feel I'm worth the effort to help. I'm going to try and make my own life better and help myself. Tonight I had intense time trying to fight my own problems with excuses and in my state which isn't an excuse for anything but I may use it as an excuse which isn't right at all I don't like getting to that point I really don't. List:

• Given a second chance
• Random beach drive
• Random late hilly suburbs drive
• Attribute to nice act
• Watch The Cat Returns
• Organize a Melbourne trip for next week

 I'm going to try and stop seeking salvation with goals it will be hard with me. Its hard for me to help myself using this blog at times for fear of using it for ruminating like I sort of did above. I kind of sound like a mess which I want to change. I usually post a song here but today I'm going post a video that makes me excited and happy enjoy if anyone bothers with the vid.

Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Trailer (It's Got Shrim!)

 

You Give Us Control - Fragility / Pyramid Song

Today I woke up late unmotivated by everything so I layed in bed watching some old television favourites of mine (King of the Hill, & Becker) only thing I look forward to is social interaction these days or things to distract myself from what I'm really feeling "alone" its something I focus on and fixate on when I feel moments of weakness today wasn't that bad but at times it enters my mind so I'll do things like chores around the house to distract or help others....so at least I get things done which is good I guess. I know being alone isn't really a problem so I know people may tear me down and say you have this and this and you can't complain and just be OK with myself I'm just saying how I feel if being honest is wrong I don't want to be right. The people who I showed this blog are responsible people and lovely people who mean a lot to me and I have a lot of respect to those who continue to read this and put up with my petty complaints about life. List:

• Art project has made some good progress
• Watched King of the Hill
• Made a nice home cooked meal
• Someone made me a late snack
• Cleaned house up a bit as well as my room a bit

Art project is finally getting to the good bit that I'll enjoy. I know there's a lot of work to go but I also hope to get a break from it and relax with my friends as well. Because I like being outdoors and just getting exercise I feel its important to my wellbeing and having long conversations with friends with both serious and fun things as I do whoever is keen for that I'm up for it I'd like some Vitamin D in my life which is hard with cloudy weather in play over the next few days. I had a good day at home today I had fun despite down times that occurred. There was something else I wanted to mention but my mind is pretty blank at the moment its amazing I got this out to be honest.

The Great Darkness - Arch Enemy - Rise Of The Tyrant

  

Loki / Fantasia Down

Art project is go brainstorming ideas all over the place having fun in the process so much amazingness. Tomorrow I'll probably hang with a friend which is always cool and I'll hopefully squeeze in more of the project so much fun all flowing so well at the moment. Going to try and sleep soon a at better hour than usual. List

• Art Project and ideas flowing so easily
• Saw some friends
• Watching Becker as we speak

Today has been great but uneventful in terms of many activities lol (maybe one of the first times I ever mentioned that acronym in any of blog posts lol(I did it again)) so today has been good. Tonight something I feel strongly about was brought into question with people but I can't say too much about because people will lash out and go blah blah this blah blah that I suppose its something I deal with more than others throughout my life with previous friends and the area I grew up in which I try to distance myself from aswell as father issues and stuff (Blame the parents stereotypical blame game lol). So instead of stating what the issue is I'll post a song blatantly referring to what I'm trying to talk about.......OK I don't have many songs about the topic lol probs for the best anyway so I'll post a song I'm listening to at the moment instead.

The Big Come Down - Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile (Right)

The Missing / This Long Hour

I think I may be a tad physically run down, body always desperate for sleep but me going "But I wanna do this and this and ....*falls into sleep*". Work was long, slow and boring last night only thing keeping me alive was social aspect to work. I talk to someone tonight...well actually a few people and it seems people are partying having flings and hooking up while I sit here watching on hearing about people saying it so calmly and passively not to rub it in my face, I know that but for me if that happened it would be big news OMG! so excited. I suppose sometimes that can make me feel inadequate I know I'm whining on and on but its how I feel I suppose I'm jealous and feel its a void. I feel like a hole has been open for a while in my life needing and begging to be filled I like to think I will treat that person right whoever it will be even I have no clue. I know it sounds like I'm down from that above but I actually am quite up and happy (well I'm going to sleep in a sec cos I just finished work). List:

• Random free pizza at end of work
• Finished work in record time
• Saw a friend for his 21st
• Hung with a mate watching movies and stuff
• Derp Housemate is gone :)

 Hmmm I have no idea kind of empty but at least I'm happy hopefully I can participate in social activities tomorrow(today) without falling asleep like last night lol.

Consider This - Filter - Short Bus

 

Fall Into Sleep / Digital Bath

Today was blah seemed kind of dull and whatever even when I was out but I'm glad I forced myself out because I felt better doing it better than just moping around the house all day and night like I probably would have. Work was slow dragged like a bitch but I had some fun. Recently I tend to be tired lot sleeping so easily at one stage a few months ago it was the other way around now I can lay down and just well pass the fuck out. List Thing:

• Dinner with friends outside
• Talked to someone randomly who I haven't seen in a while
• Prospects of art project which I am really excited about even more so than the person who's idea it was too lol

I can't think what to write about I'm feeling good but... I don't know why I'm trying not to question it but it's hard not to lol anyway I'm going to sleep as I feel that is a plan.

Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away) - Deftones - Around The Fur

 

Kyoto / Brooke & Rilley

The other day I was confronted with some heavy choices I went in blind like I usually do I was cut down by a close friend by the decision I gave which made me question myself and whether my decision may have been the right one in terms of my well being I learnt that I need to step back at times and survey the situation more thoroughly granted I still am sticking to my decision I just have to keep an eye my self, keep my eyes open, and most importantly take care. This friend was only looking out for me may have been a little too protective but I don't blame this person I can understand why they were worried about me and I thank and appreciate the concern nice to know someone cares about me. My close friends are amazing people who I'd do anything for I love them and love spending time with each and everyone of you all and if any of you have a problem feel free to talk to me you know I won't cut you down or judge I just want to help you through your tough times because I know you'd do it for me some without even realizing it. Positive List for last two days:

• Got invited to a long walk with friends next week
• Saw an old work mate she has my AIDS and I don't regret giving them to her(inside joke in case external sources read this lol)
• Discovered a form of cheap ghetto pork crackling
• Got new work shoes

Last two days haven't been spectacular tomorrow I'm going to the beach so that'll change things :). I do get lonely sometimes I hope to change that soon seems like the radar is a little empty but maybe I'll strike it lucky I don't know what I'm talking about but hopefully this search for someone will pick up soon  it may be quiet now but I'll try and stay optimistic for the future.

Not In Love - Crystal Castles Feat. Robert Smith - Crystal Castles II [BDO Edition]

Porno Holocaust / No Mas Control

Today has been good I don't why it just was kind of dull  List thing.

• A friend bought me a new wallet
• Hung out with someone I haven't seen in a year
• Had a nice home cooked meal
• Hanging with one of my best mates
• Sort out some financial shit that's been on my mind (still not all gone but some out of the way makes me feel better)
• Got accepted by one person on the Online dating service I use

I'm not going to question feeling good today as I feel that is a bad idea lol. I lay here slowly opening up communications with some unknown girl on a dating site. Dodododo just bored seeing where my net searching takes me. Also this is my 100th post :).

Must Fight Current - Deerhoof - Deerhoof Vs. Evil

 

Point and Click / Question!

Today has been a breath of fresh air spending it with some great people well I say air but what I really mean is searing HEAT!!!!! But we all survived we had something planned which I'd still love to do sucks that we couldn't do it but I felt as if I didn't want to die... spirit is willing but the body is well just slowly being cooked lol did I mention ily H2O. OK I'll list positive things haven't done that in a while :):

• Beach to cool down
• Met someone new she seems cool
• Got to hang out with one of my friend's friend who is a pretty cool guy who ain't afraid of lost ammo
• Movies with Friends
• Night walk on beach (sucks that it was full of fuckheads)
• Jums
• The feeling that people trust me with big issues

Wow! I nearly hit my goal of 8 nice things I feel that's a good thing. I admit I still feel a little empty but today I felt kind of wanted by people today. I'm stressing over finances but I guess that's a recurring thing. I would write more I do want but fuck I'm tired and wrecked so fap then sleep it is...

The Blind House - Porcupine Tree - The Incident [Disc 1]

 

Scared / Lost

I'm scared to leave my room as I feel I'm a burden and liability. I'm scared I may hurt people not in a physical way but emotionally. All I do is complain sometimes I feel I should just lay in my room and not bother a soul that way I can't hurt anyone and if I want to complain I can just talk to the wall. Posting this is asking for backlash I guess. I don't know why people bother with me I'm just constantly anxious the slightest thing at the moment makes me behave in a way I hate which is my fault and I'm sorry to those I've hurt in anyway. I never like entering this room as all I associate with this room is rumination. Everything on this blog is me being an attention seeker. Live in room for 2 months...Profit yeah?

Forced Life / Nothing's Working

Life is shit I try to help, try to have fun, try to find love.... I essentially try hard at everything. I have people in my ear saying whats right, whats wrong...saying whats normal, what isn't normal.... who's a dick and who isn't. I'm playing the victim again its all I'm good at.... I can't have fun something will come along and ruin it or someone will drag it in front of me I'll take it only to be crushed. After all this I get frustrated take it out on everyone else, be sick collapse onto bed to be dragged through the mud again tomorrow yeah?... or should I cop abuse stay home and not eat lay on bed sweat out the day. I drove home by myself after dropping my brother off eyes fuzzy and veering all over the road.

Sick Of Life - Godsmack - Awake