Every Day Is Exactly The Same - Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Revolution 909 / Party Smasher
Happiness apparently is what I make it. It all seems that recently I don't know what will make me happy. Last few days all I've done is cover up my problems by making jokes about it to the point where I look stupid and sound like a one minded fuck like most people I know. Anxiety is up and high as well which is great with people talking about the topic so casually meanwhile the act for me is a mile away but talked about and made fun of not to mention in media everywhere you look. Memory is just all over the place I feel like a fool. I want to hide away but I don't I know I'll just break down and cry, a break from my robot/zombie like existence I currently lead for people to see. Would people care if I was in my room all day I don't know would people go of out their way to contact me I don't know. This is all anxiety talking I know that it just fucks with me. There's someone I'm thinking of asking out and have for a while but... all that runs through my head is will I ruin another friendship and fuck my work environment like I have once before for a year sure we are cool now but do I want to go through it again the previous did approach me in private saying I'm not a sleezy guy saying I am sweet which is nice. But I feel there is so much more at stake this time around I've built a nice niche of friends at work and I'm worried I'll ruin it. I feel alone and am stressed worried about things most days I feel inadequate, alone, aswell as thinking I'm just letting everyone down I try to help everyone and make everyone happy that maybe my problem. Maybe I need a down day just a day at home not running everywhere to unwind and relax I rarely do that. Is it wrong to in this day and age to be a nice guy who wants to be friends with the person they want a relationship with. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow I have to wake up for I've missed it before I'm wide awake but I will get up this time this morning I slept through work. I was being a selfish cock late tonight being selfish and passively emotional to new housemates and friends aswell as being in an awkward situation that I'm all for but with my anxiety high I'm worried I'm going to ruin things for everyone I know I probably won't logically but last time anxiety hit a high and felt like I hit a wall. I know I shouldn't need someone to feel happy and it probably won't make me feel happy in the long run I need to feel happy alone I know people over look things especially people who have experienced the things that I haven't say "its not that great guy..." I would love to talk about this stuff with people or someone face-to-face but I'm scared that people will be like stop going on and on and just snap and I'll have no one to talk to.All I have done is go on and on here just forget this post sorry to bother anyone doesn't matter anyway no one will read this far down anyway probably doesn't make sense.
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I think the main issue at the moment is you're overthinking things in "what if" scenarios and it's causing you to get anxious and lose focus on day-to-day things, rather than focusing on more functional things that are actually beneficial.
ReplyDeleteIt could be a number of things messing up your memory, the most important thing will be to be communicative with your doctor and your psych about it and if you are going to change things, to change them gradually. Anxiety can be so bad in taking away your ability to focus and remember things, I remember just feeling constantly distressed and confused at my worst. You sleeping patterns may also be affected due to the anxiety.
The other thing I'd wonder about are the drugs you're putting into your body and your diet. The anti depressants might well be doing a positive job but it is best to talk to your doctor, as you're having some pretty pretty big concerns crop up. I've also noticed that you've become more anxious since taking them. Did you have any anxiety before you started the SSRis? It's hard to broach this subject without creating more anxiety, so I'm sorry if this creates more concern, they are just things on my mind, thinking about what might be influencing your stress levels, behaviours, patterns, etc. I know my memory was fucked for months after I came off the depressants I was on, but then again the pot really didn't help either.
Do you think the alcohol you had the other night could've upped your anxiety? You only had a tiny bit but if there was a significant change between now and then it might be worth steering clear a little longer.
Honestly I think the two main things negatively affecting your health right now are diet and sleeping patterns. You're getting plenty of exercise though, which is great. I have noticed that the food we've all been eating lately is very high in fats and sugars and very low on nutritious content, and that sort of thing can make a huge difference. I'm at the point myself where I'm spending money I don't have to improve my diet, as I've been getting to 6pm and just crashing out where I stand for a few hours.....that's generally a signal for change imo. I know your sleeping patterns are difficult with work but it is a huge issue. Sleep and depression particularly are inexplicably linked, as are sleep and memory and brain function.
ReplyDeleteAll of this is great but I guess it needs structuring to be of use rather than harm. Here are things I would consider tackling in order to improve quality of life, if I were in your situation:
- Look at centrelink again, particularly with support from doctors regarding ability to work and your independence levels regarding parents: If you could get onto a benefit and have a break from work for a few months, it would give you a chance to improve sleep and drop stress, which would go a long way to getting you on track and take the pressure off finding another job when you're already anxious but your current one compounds the issue.
- Put limits on your fast food intake. I'd wager you spend at least $40-50 per week on fast food, particularly things like burgers after you finish work around 7am. Having a solid meal like that just before you go to sleep is pretty bad for your body, and that money could be put toward food to help you function better. If you try to keep healthy things prepared in the fridge so they are easier to access, the junk food intake might stop or decrease.
-Talk to your Psychologist and doctor about everything. Particularly the psychologist. All of this discomfort around the topic of sex is something you can talk about in sessions. Honestly it is becoming a little obsessive at home and while most of the time any topic is fine with me, when it's all you talk about particularly around people that have only been living here a few days, it can get uncomfortable. I didn't really appreciate you grabbing toward my breasts at the beach the other day either, that was crossing a line for me personally, but again I think that's something you need to figure out with your psych, being your therapist, your housemate and your friend is not a role I want to take on and it's not going to be healthy for anyone involved. You can always talk to me, just make sure you find someone less connected to the situation as well.
Once again I don't have all the answers, these are just things I'd personally try and hope for the best with. I really don't want to tell you how to live your life because I have heaps on my own plate, it's not my place and at the end of the day, that just makes you reliant on me rather than able to think for yourself on these issues. Hopefully some of this helps, but at the same time please don't take it as gospel. Good luck with the appointment today :)
Thanks for the ideas I did read this, this morning I appreciate the ideas and sorry for my behavior nothing but me being a childish male monkey. I'll take these ideas on board and hopefully I'll be a little better hopefully you weren't to annoyed with anything I did today I've tried to play down my obsessive behavior I know its still there but hopefully it isnt as full on as it has been. And also I hope I'm helping you with your stuff aswell
ReplyDeleteDon't stress about it too much I'm not deeply offended or anything. You know what I'm like, I'll just be straight up about these things. You were ok today, sorry to hear you were feeling so anxious. I was in my own little world, you didn't seem out of sorts to me...
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