Is just like the rest of the cunts nothing but a selfish prick I'm not doing a thing to help myself am I.... aswell as hurting those who care for me it doesn't matter what I do now I commited myself to two things.
All this is just me asking for someone to say "oh no your not" which is crap because I'm the rude selfish prick who made these decisions ill feel crap thats my punishment and I accept it... Nothing I do can make up for what I've done but I will try for this friend shes been good to me and listens to me when I feel no one else will and I did this so take this as a step towards an apology..... Sorry
Today is New Years Eve a day that sometimes can make me feel like more of a failure every year, I'm aware most people don't keep there resolutions, mine for the past 10 years has been to find a girlfriend which of course has never happened... I dread midnight I've never had a kiss at midnight either its kind of pathetic urghhhh... here I go again highlighting something I'm supposed to work on. Today will be hectic as it is sooo much to do all I kind of want to do is just lay on the bed in my room but I won't I'll get up and cross somethings of my lists of things to do.
Goodnight Kiss - Dream Theater - Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence
Oh god there is so much I could write I literally just don't have the
time all I can say is being Neutral has some down sides.....sometimes
being the nice guy makes you feel really good inside but that can also
bring you down.....Social events are like are pending car crash at times
but so exhilarating at the same time.......Finding someone seems
confusing and frustrating I'm getting tired but I'm pressing
on......Life is so jam-packed haven't had a second to look around and
when I do I collapse into sleep out of exhaustion..... I will elaborate
soon but I'm just too busy and I'm going to collapse in a sec....To
people around me going through tough times I love you and care about
you, you know who you all are love you all :).
I wake up cry am still crying miss a doctors appointment I'll have to reschedule may just cry in room all day eat before I nearly pass out you know the normal... I want a hand to help me but am too afraid to ask I'm kind of an embarrassment
Tonight I just crashed right down resorting to crying in my car for 45 minutes till I felt up to going inside now I have a raging headache. I just feel so alone and worried I'm bothering people if I am I'm sorry if I am. I'm bored nothing satisfys me I seek company all the time since I'm afraid of an episode that may occur otherwise I live in fear I'm scared. I'm pressing on doing my best to pull myself up some days are harder than others I feel like a crazy, loser depending on others sometimes people have told me it will get better it won't last forever keep your chin up so I'm trying to be optimistic keep my head up try and smile I'm trying I appreciate the support people have given me and their take I do. Some have told me that being by myself is better all coming from those who have had the experience of a relationship(s) or sex a few have said this I'm aware it comes with its downs but its gotta be better than how I'm feeling now I just feel kind of left out...Its like someone playing a one player video game in front of you that just came out and you desperately want to have a go goes double for the guy who works at a Strip club... Sometimes I hate being so stubborn with my values and image...why does being the nice guy generally get you nowhere I tried being the bad guy for a while for a social experiment a few years ago was hard I can't pull it off but when I did it worked... I'm an idiot sometimes I forget I have friends I'm just to scared to talk to them (FUCK YOU ANXIETY!!! FUCK YOU) instead I make jokes sometimes on expense for a smile I love seeing a smile on peoples faces I know that sounds weird but seeing someone smile especially if I'm the cause makes me so happy. I'll try a positve list its funny I did have a good day then it ended and I crashed.
Getting tagged by friends in Adelaide shows they think of me
Nerf Gun Shopping
Hang with old friends
Got New Rammstein Compilation such a fun listen
Met someone new she seems awesome hopefully she hangs around
Watched Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! and Red State Again lol ending
Had a cuppa with someone awesome
Hopefully I'm better tomorrow and I get to sleep and wake up not dizzy.
Hmmmmm today has been up and down, wake up feeling tired but good about myself half way through the day I feel down just don't really feel the greatest. I should feel up but I don't know I just feel empty and thinking why? why do I feel this way makes me feel crazy and anxious I hate anxiety its just arghhh terrible I hate it. Dealing with social bullshit I just don't want to be alone which is why I bailed from town without explanation I didn't like the waiting game wasn't their fault I was just a little impatient I find myself jumping around desperately trying to cure boredom which I simply can't fill I'm trying things I wouldn't try normally I don't know I'm trying so hard to entertain myself. I know my friends care about me but sometimes anxiety you fuck with me so so much. Maybe I just need someone seems like a goal I'll never reach sometimes it has been my new years revolution for a decade now, I was told something the other night from someone who I dislike that said "I'm sweet, funny, and caring who can get anyone" I don't know about that so many girls and friends have said that and you know what you ask them "OK, would you ever date someone like me or consider it?" answer is always "well errrrrrr ummm no" I realize I'm not every bodies type but errrr.... sometimes I don't know it gets me down. Just like online dating its getting to the stage where I'm going to dismiss it I've tried like 120 girls can't even get a contact request through.......I've tried changing my profile....changing my picture.....changing my interests.....being very lean on who I am looking for being open minded.... and I have received nothing.
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment don't know what I will say I'm sick of being up and down I feel crazy.....I probably am... maybe going out to a mates place tonight will help me bring up today has been meh.
Listened to drunken mates ramble about how awesome I am (why does it always happen kind of embarrassing lol)
Epic random adventures at night
Christmas has actually been quite good despite a few hiccups such as co-workers leaving me with a fucking mess and mixed social politics. I run into someone at a party who is a nemesis to someone I'm great friends with who I told a few years ago at a moment of weakness something I shouldn't have arghhhhhh fuck this I'm to tired will post the rest tomorrow stay tuned for the NEXT EPISODE OF DRAGON BALL !!!!
Yesterday someone re-emerged coming to me opening up after a long absence since apparently no one will talk to her about such a taboo topic that has left her withdrawn and scared of people just wanting an ear someone to listen that won't immediately shut her down or say hey its alright... sometimes we all need to talk to someone to help get our heads around topics the problem is some topics such as this one people shut down and say "hey its over and move on" when its quite a serious topic she was talking about something she has to carry on with "what if" all her life and I think its harsh to just dismiss that. On to a positive list thingy that involves a bullet.
Old friendship is getting stronger
Christmas Shopping DONE
Got a second christmas present from dancers
Fixed a little confusion between friends that was causing distance
Last night was hectic filled with violence and anger at work we had a 20 man brawl at midnight at the peak of busyness for work took every guard we had to stop it along with a bar manager who was ex-security previously while I detered customers to stop innocent bystanders getting involved, meanwhile dancers are still pushing their way through the action just for a lousy 50 dollars "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!?" can't you wait are you fucking stupid if they got hurt it would have been no sympathy from me is all I can say the smart ones stayed back and knew how unpredictable it can be.
I usually loathe this time of year but for some reason I'm loving it at the moment... I some people I know aren't for them its nearly over just one more intense day then it'll be done look up try and have fun. I'm excited and worried for a reformation of a old friendship I want them to meet my other group of friends but I also have to be aware of repercussions that come with it in the future I know she'll never ditch me but I have to aware of anything that can come for that and how I'll handle it. I am getting better day by day slowly I just can't jump too far ahead of myself I know this myself or I'll end up at square one again which is no good for anyone around me at all so I'll keep taking baby steps towards my goal but I am so happy this friendship is coming back so happy talking of old times and both of us wanting to be back at that point a friendship like this one is rare and I was never going to walk away and neither was she.
Ruffneck FULL flex - Skrillex - More Monsters And Sprites
Urghhh night of tradies is over thank fuck for that.... I know I'm generalizing but why the fuck is 90% of tradies nothing but rude, arrogant, ignorant, macho, sexist, unintelligent, homophobic dickheads urghhhh its terrible, I know not every tradie is like that but sometimes the majority over rules my judgment. Tonight I supported some friends going through things I actually don't know why guys are such fuckwits I can't tell you why as I don't get it either there are some possibilities from having to upkeep the macho guy image in front of the "guys" as to not appear weak when really they are hollow all the time. I wish guys weren't such fuckwits at times aswell we are all searching for love myself included but to be honest not really the guys half the time and if they do they are becoming more mature about things maybe... I still wouldn't hold my breath. I realize that I sound pompous and maybe stupid to some as I have never had a relationship or even a real sexual experience I've only had one kiss and that bitch told everyone I took at advantage of her (because I'm so aggressive.....and she asked me but whatever) all I can do is watch from the sidelines and say how I see it. I wish some people would treat people differently rather than constantly doing a comparison to others and past experiences I know a lot of people that do that and all I see is cycles of shit circulating around social circles I can see. Positive List for today:
Got a present from some lovely dancers and a funny card
The night of tradies is over
Saw a friend briefly who I haven't seen in a while
The following song is how I felt towards tradies tonight.... FUCK YOU!
Today was slow and just painful WHHHHHYYYY SIMON!!!! WHY! (Spoiler alert guys :-P), nah apart from that was very much just whatever not bad really I still had fun list thing...
Got my first Christmas Present
Watched Misfits :,(
Listened to the whole new Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross Soundtrack 3 hours of bliss
Sat down to tea to conversation
Tomoz seems like it may be the same plus errands and work god damn you work but I guess I'll look forward to it for observation lol. Not much really to say to be honest about today or things.
Mechanic God Creation - Arch Enemy - Doomsday Machine
Today I saw something I find sickening a post that simply read "Its Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" simply close minded bullshit that makes me well angry now..... I'm not gay but I have nothing against and am all for gay rights what makes there love any different to ours like seriously.... needless to say this person was deleted from all my social networks I don't want to associate myself with that person at all. I think people to come out still in this day and age are brave people and I have a lot of respect for them I really do so honest and I hope they all find someone to fill their lives with happiness everyone deserves love even if it differs from how religion or how the common man sees it. Positive List time blah blah things that are good and stuff and things and stuff.
Quiet relaxing shift at work
Watched 30 Rock with two amazing friends who mean alot to me :)
Watched a brave act from a friend GO FOR IT!!!
Found a video game repress I have been dying to see for years OMG!!!!! *fanboy orgasm*
Had Pizza
A friend tonight did a brave act quite defiant in my opinion which has raised my opinion of her such a fun nature I could never do what she did even if it was a quiet night she went out and performed her heart out I know people may read this and go pfft.... whatever I really think she did and good on her she did something she wanted to do nervous but was strong enough to do it.
Today I thought was quite cruisy I liked it I say I hate Christmas but at the moment I'm having a blast. Tomoz I'm going to have fun and hope friends will come join in with me come for a walk, swim, bbq, I'm up for pretty much anything at the moment having a total blast. Also good to hear things are looking up for someone hope it continues for them too.
Breakin' A Sweat - Skrillex feat. The Doors - reGENERATION
Last 2 days were amazing especially tonight went out to a lovely sit down dinner in Melbourne then quietly sipped away at drinks while having a great conversation with people I don't usually get to have in depth discussions with it was nice. As well has discovering I may have a new foe who likes me for my gentleness and protective kindness its good to know that girls notice that sort of thing sometimes I felt that people just don't care for that anymore. Positive List over 2 days
Opeth Concert
Got to hang out with my brother
Got to hang with awesome former & current work mates
Quiet drinks & dinner in Melbourne
Hearing a former co-worker friend of mine is seeking help and getting his life on track
Picked up a good quiet shift at work tomoz
Hearing about a New Challenger
Learn of solo Steven Wilson live release
Quiet drinks were great I wish some closer friends would do that more often its nice to just sit down not be loud and talk about serious things openly in a comfortable setting out and a about at a quiet venue and not getting drunk just having one or two drinks like we were. Last two days have been great I hope it continues I felt I needed that little boost felt like i was just being dragged and kicked for a while without mercy.
I'd like to begin by commenting on an post I saw today referring to anti-depressants.... To this person I know you have your reasons for not approving of the drugs but at the end of the day maybe that person you know who has been on them 5+ years also without ongoing therapy, you can't take a drug that effects your body & mind therefore influencing your behavior with out seeing someone about your psychological problems and ongoing behavior who is impartial to all of it to get a fresh perspective. The drugs I am taking are prescribed by both a medical and psychological practitioner and am being seen ongoing for monitoring of any relapses or irregularities in my personality and behavior and I am keeping an open mind to it all and taking advice and criticism to how I am behaving around others. To hopefully improve myself I won't be on them forever I can assure you and neither should the person you know either unless she has something other than depression I don't know about. Depression in my opinion especially after experiencing and still experiencing it needs to have more education to the topic its quite serious and quite treatable aswell.
OK positive list.....
Saw a friend from high school he did a small tweak on my car now it runs a hell of a lot better
Had dinner at my grandparents house
Picked up a random shift to clean on tuesday for money I badly need at the moment
Got a positive mention from a close friend
Got a phone call from my former awesome boss
I have to say something someone I know is behaving to very, I repeat very sexist and rude for a while I thought it was just harsh jokes referring to the opposite sex now I see it for what it is he can say its not but I think otherwise he was really rude to some close friends and co-workers tonight and they are lovely people. I get you don't want to give money can't you polite about it like most people at least try to be. Gah then try have a crack at a friend of mine who I am sorta up and down about in a blunt way that may actually get him somewhere. At the end of the day strippers are lovely people (most of them not all) who are just ordinary people(most of them) like you or me try and at least be polite I know the career is quite controversial but most of them don't particularly love it either so just try and keep an open mind and at least treat them with the same respect they give you.
Today has been fairly average just nothing at all and me being lazy and quiet. At least I have Opeth Later Can't Wait :).
Wow this thing has hit 500 views... Today I rolled out of bed late made some epic sandwiches for an amazing picnic that ended up in a food fight all in good fun except for one person who takes it too far to the point where it seems physically violent. On to this list thing and stuff...
Picnic with close friends followed by food fight
Having a laugh with bar tenders after work
Having a conversation with a former worker
Seeing a glimmer of hope for reforming an amazing friendship
Last one especially made me happy I know its bad but I like having a little hope in my heart as corny as it sounds give it time maybe 3-4 months and we can be back to the way things were. I'll try and keep my self in check.
Today was different I contacted some old friends to help them and for support for myself which I'm told I need right now just till I get on my feet I've dropped back a step I'll admit. Work was surprisingly hectic for a Thursday which scares me for the weekend I'll cope it'll just be hard work. Positive list blah 8 blah you get the idea now:
Dancer bought me a Cherry Dr.Pepper like she always does
Got my computer up and running and working
Got to hang with brother
Had tea with Mum
Got an email from someone I've dying to hear from
This time of the year is hell so hectic can't wait till its over and I can feel relaxed again so I can focus on me rather than money as well as me. At the moment I have a blank mind and am confused as to what life will bring whether it will let me soar or just cut me down as always I really hope the first one happens I could use a break right.
Today was strange I woke up in rush to be told "We made a mistake...." which pissed me off considering how I rushed nearly out of breath and lacking any nutrition and lack of sleep (my fault). I go home back to bed wake at 4:30pm sleeping the day away. I did get to hang out with some friends for most of tonight which was fun. Before I get off track I'll write my positive list:
Sat down to table to eat dinner with friends
Watched TV with friends
Good Chat with a friend
Triple J Hottest 100 voting preparation
Its strange but I always thoroughly enjoy sorting through this years music to come to my Top 10 of the year even if some of it doesn't make it to the actual 100 I enjoy musical reflection I find it fun even if it does sound sad. Tonight I sit in a silent lounge room one cos I lost the media centre remote lol and two because its better than being in my room. Yesterday I got advised to get more help from youth experts on my condition and have them listen to me rather than burden some of my amazing friends who don't deserve to be brought down by me and my stupid shit. Apart from this gloomy shit I have mentioned above I do have things to look forward too such as Christmas picnic with close friends Friday night, Opeth on Sunday night, Dinner/Karaoke on Monday night. I'm just a little up and down I know sorry to those close who I talk to about things and get fed up with my shit I gather I'm a pain....
Is Your Love Strong Enough - How To Destroy Angels - The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack (US Film)
Today I made a statement that I thought was harmless and actually innocent....well I was talking about violence and gangs so not really "innocent" and someone took it as a personal attack if this person is reading this I'm sorry you read it that way it honestly wasn't my intention to refer to something else. Now to return to positive exercise I started yesterday lets see if I can hit 8 today:
A random stranger on the street gave me the rest of his unpaid parking ticket
Got invited to movies (shawtee)
Got to hang in a comfortable environment with close friends
My Nanna bought me new works pants
Chilled out playing Beat Hazard (which nearly clocked) and more Rescue Me
The first one on that list actually restored a little faith in the common man which those know me....know I have a vendetta against man in my mind.It sucks I'm poor so I couldn't see a bad movies with one faction of my friends oh well at least I got to watch a bad movie with another faction of friends such a scary horror film brrrr.... gives me chills every time that horse has a close-up shot. Going to bed late tonight and I gotta get up early shit son....
Castellorizon / On An Island [Live] - David Gilmour - Live In Gdansk
I was given an experiment the other day so I thought I'd try it now listing 8 things that are positive about today. So here it goes:
I got to hang with my brother
Had an awesome quick salad
Watched an episode of Rescue Me
Said hey to a mate from high school quickly
Got to take a look at IRL stalking joke I had with some friends
Couldn't think of 8 things honestly..... *sigh* I wasted today laying in bed again I wasn't as emotional but still had my moments of weakness. I'm just sleeping days away its not good. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment hopefully she can shed some medical light as to what I can do to help myself despite the fact I know the answer is going to be only you can help yourself.
I did start getting back into Rescue Me a great drama that tackles big issues and how people deal with them quite amazing really it deals with death, homosexuality, 9/11 disaster and families left behind, divorce, domestic violence, alcoholism, & post-traumatic stress its just done so well with the occasional joke to lighten the mood every now and again I highly recommend it who who would have thought Denis Leary could play such a role its reminiscent of Bryan Cranston's role on Breaking Bad even though Rescue Me came first but I saw this second so fuck you guy!
C'mon C'mon - The Von Blondies - Pawn Shoppe Heart (Rescue Me Theme Song)
Its funny how things can come back on you I once told a girl that I didn't want to lay some information on someone because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't talk to anyone about it as it's personal & quite confronting.... then what happens turns out I gave myself that feeling, feeling like I have no one to talk to even though I do I'm just weird and a little fucked up. Yesterday was one of the worse day's of my life just depressing, isolated, quiet, alone, crying to the point of physical exhaustion scared to talk or be around anyone as I don't want to bring people down. Throughout my life I have always felt that friends use me when down to make themselves feel better as a comparison and also because I'm told I'm a great listener then once they overcome their problems whether it be get a relationship, or something they have striving for an extensive peroid, a breakup, a death, all of the sad down times in peoples lives I get shoved to the side till a time like that crops up again. I can't say it feels great to have thoughts like that always running through my head waiting for those close to drop me to see them coming back in tears...Like I won't lie it does feel good to feel I can be trusted because I am trustworthy at least I think (always second guessing self arghhh). At the same time I'm so fucked up when close friends become happy I become bitter, jealous wishing my life had some long term happiness because everything at the moment the second I become happy something comes to kick me whether it be a speeding fine, or something to make me feel anxious, or someone leaving my life, or a close friend ending up in hospital to bring me right back down. Why life? why kick me? I put in for everyone I know I put in a lot of effort whether anyone notices is a different story. I really try hard and get close to nothing in return. Being isolated and alone sucks I can't take it I just break down I don't know what to do with myself can I please just have a break please PLEASE what do I have to do. I am currently waiting on friends to pick me up maybe if I try and smile things will change I hope they do. Its times like these I wish I could feel nothing and be a heartless jerk of a guy sucks that I'm not or maybe be a religious man and put it down to "god's" plan just to blame something. I miss my friend I know that's bad but it's how I feel. One more plea.... Please life I'm trying hard give me something to cheer me up I hate being this way...
I hate crying in the middle of the day its just terrible, I have things to do...well should be doing but I think instead I'll sleep or cry it out in my room. Why must I feel so shit why.... urghhhh don't know what to do today...
Hmmmm.... what to write, what to do tomorrow that costs fuck all money but is fun.... don't wanna sit at home may see who wants to go to the beach if the weathers good or just to hang I don't care doesn't always have to be there. I want to get away from this room anyway possible I'll figure something out . I'll have another attempt at contacting someone heh I never do that.....
Feel a little alone at the moment I'm not gonna lie, *sigh* I'll just fap then sleep try to forget that fact. A quick mention you namedropping sponges are pathetic and pityful. Also RIP. Alan Styles.
Way Out Of Here [Live] - Porcupine Tree - Anesthetize
Today has been miserable woke up at midday went to the lounge to watch some mediocre television so I wouldn't sit in my room moping around and possibly crying urghhh.... A friend called me on something I do that I actually don't really like but I guess I do it to make fun of something I've never experienced sigh and built up in my mind. I lay sweaty on the couch just staring into space occasionally watching the TV for a laugh other housemate sitting there doing the same. I worry about finances and hate my job but I can't leave cos I need to pay rent and other bills which are still unpayed. I keep thinking of a friend that won't speak to me it sucks she's still all I can think about most days I want them out of my head but easy said than done I am really trying I really, really am. I eventually pick myself have a shitty microwave dinner be all out of it to put it nicely in front of everyone I encounter. Get to work don't even care am tired and shitty, I drop 40 stubbies, all smashed to make my day even better I just scream "FUCK THIS" and smash one of the only stubbies not left smashed then clean up all with about 30 people watching I just didn't give a fuck to be honest at that point and sat down upstairs before I do something else stupid in my state which was probably one of the best things I did was sit back and calm down. But I will say this tonight I would have been worse if it wasn't for the dancers constantly supporting me without them noticing it they are all unit constantly supporting one another including me I can't thank them enough especially Tabitha, Sugar/Harry/Meagan, Zoe, Roxy, & Sophie... I know I can stir them up a bit but we have fun :). I'm glad today is over nothing but shit and depressing glad its DONE!!!
RIP. Dimebag Darrell 7 Years yesterday you were taken away
Being appropriate is something I think I am generally quite good at I think knowing whats acceptable and what's not most of the time. I can admit when it comes to the internet I can be a little crazy as to what I post sometimes these days it seems the internet has become personal to a lot of people despite the fact that essentially the internet is still a public forum i know there are certain settings but essentially what feedback you get after it is generally your responsibility and how you take it is up to you I know there is some random outliers I'm not debating that. What you post on the internet anywhere is public is what I'm getting at... you wanna make a scene? make a scene then just don't complain about shit afterwards because essentially that's retarded.
Now I got my rant outta the way.... today I came to a realization that I'm useless to anyone in this state so I want to change myself I want to work at myself somehow and start seeing results slowly I still haven't forgotten what I said the other day I need to do it one step at a time. This morning early rise, walk, nap, beach getting exercise is great I'll be fit in no time hopefully :) just gotta keep at it.
Today was good it did remind me how poor I am but remained distracted throughout so that was nice the problem is I know I can't rely on people to hold my hand all the time but at the moment I'm comfortable the way I am I know others who are distracting me who don't realize my condition at all and don't read this as they are unaware of its existence you are good people willing to spend time with me and it is greatly appreciated I will always remember those who have helped and listened to me in these trying times for myself anyway. All of you are great. I'll admit I'm still not 100% I'm still having random crying episodes at night but your support has not gone unnoticed I will repay you anyway I can later. Tomorrow I have more distractions things to do will try and tackle the money situation and other stuff I actually have a lot to do see what I can and cannot get done I won't get it all done but I'll get one or two things done I'm starting to understand something my psychologist said try not to tackle everything at once it will make things worse at the end of the day I have to start taking that seriously its like a pattern of incidents it'll be hard but I'll try to take that on board see how it goes.
On The Backs Of Angels - Dream Theater - A Dramatic Turn Of Events
I currently lay in bed wondering what to do I'm all QQ about things I so impatient at the moment I don't whats caused this I was content well not really content more tolerable about things for 20 years don't know whats changed now. I wish I wasn't alone yet I don't want to leave my room but at the same time I know it would do some good to leave my room I may see if one of my friends are up for a night walk if not I'll just sleep. I feel like shit. I'm just bitter towards everything and everyone, I'm jealous towards everything and everyone. Today all I have done is lay in bed not necessarily sleeping just staring at the walls I thought I was getting better maybe I'm getting worse fucking hell. I judge every tiny detail about everything when I have nothing but an empty bed a quiet room and all I do is try to forget everything going on in my life.
I have to be careful how am at times currently in my life at times I get quite bitter and angry at the world I feel is screwing me over at times when its really not I'm just being sensitive and consequently I'm being a dick to people I look back later at my behavior and just shake my head. Last night was a little crazy to the point where I was physically exhausted falling asleep on the bar itself lol. I still cannot believe how drunk my former boss was and how amazingly crazy it was haha and I never thought I'd see the day him getting kicked out of Alley Cat that is fucking hilarious. I was kind of bold at times kind of looked needy gah.....
This morning I wake curious so I open a love letter that I wrote last year one of many written to one person but never given this was the one I gave to her to come to the realization that I still feel the same... except many things have changed since then I've become a little more impatient I want things to happen... and I'm not retarded I know things won't happen with this person I know I have to deal with it, it is hard I hate laying bed thinking about her but what can I do I don't know I'll probably run into her tonight. I have a situation arising well it has been there a while alwas feel skeptical towards this person as how I choose to handle it because if I'm wrong things can go badly for other things plus its always a hell of a lot stronger with a facade in place which always makes me wonder plus how this person goes about things tends to fuck with me a little. Last night I came to the realization I want out of work....I do love that place to death I just want to drastically want to cut down shifts and responsibility that I have but at the same time I need to make that amount a week to live so I'll be doing some searching this week or at least preparing a resume...I want my work to thrive its a great place full of awesome people so I'll never leave them high and dry. Tonight I'll see an amazing old friend and former boss it will be a crazy hectic night I can't wait what will happen I don't know some laughs will be insured for sure FUCK YEAH!!!! Now if you don't mind I'm going to blue myself again.
Sanctuary - Korn feat. Downlink - The Path Of Totality
Fuck Anxiety I hate it I sit in a room with more than 3 people and I start to feel uncomfortable it reminds of something similar that happened to someone last year who I made fun of and now its happening to me...I guess that's karma. I feel alone to the point where I shoot long depressing messages to an old friend who's going through a hard time as well and make things even more awkward making friendship that I'm striving for even harder to achieve. I'm sick of being a nothing choice 1 millionth last for everything at least its what it seems I guess I'm having a bad night using hyperbole everywhere I know its not that bad I just feel inadequate and being reminded of everything in only one aspect of life I'm missing out on I never thought I'd say this but being set up with someone is looking an option and I hate that idea always have becoming that desperate guy who'll go for anything and I don't want to be.... I need to meet new people just have no idea where people I go for are in the niche market. I worry about image too much I'm trying to change my appearance cos in my head I think I'm repulsive. I have a good personality at least I think I do..... its just my body that needs to change I'm trying I'd love a regular running buddy even just around the streets near my house I feel odd by myself I know that sounds strange. I hate you anxiety its worse than depression it fucks with me so easily wish there was a magic button for it to go away I really do it just makes me feel empty.... and jealous of surroundings of what people have that I don't making me bitter and short which in turns helps fuel everything I want to change things I want to without others help but sometimes I guess I need some support I don't know who to talk to sometimes people aren't talking to some and some are but not talking to you, I don't want to talk to some as I feel they don't understand or get my point of view I guess but that's just it its m point of view. Nothing but running circles with everything right now. All of the CRAZY.
Bring Me To Life - Evanescence - Fallen [I wish this would happen]
Maturity what does it mean.....it actually has many meanings to be honest and I'm not listing them here look it up yourself you lazy shits. I look around and it seems that not a lot of people are, some think they are but are really not if they could see from the third person how they are behaving the would be appalled. Today I did nothing and it was amazing I'm glad this house is fitting like a nice shoe at the moment it makes me happy :).
Don't know what to do tomorrow I'm going to wait till morning before I make a decision I feel that is the best option. Tonight I found out that I'm losing a great co-worker who has been there just as long as I have when she leaves that'll make me the most experienced member of bar staff there... Its got me thinking to be honest about my situation a bit more. Goodbye Michelle I know I'll see you around and have a drink with you sucks I won't be working with you and your AIDs now I'll be stuck with derps... all of the DERPS. The song I'm going to post tonight relates to everyone I know title says it all I need to some up of everyone's actions, behavior, and just plain emotional vision...
Today was a better day very relaxed, chilled mostly sat around playing Skyrim a game that has made me less bored which is a huge feat for me to be less bored these days my house is currently full of Skyrim players which I'm OK with lol.... things seem very chilled at home its great :) nothing like a few playful jabs at each other, a laugh all in good fun. Tomorrow I have to do alot of washing I've done nothing and clean work uniform will be nice as well has a place to put feet on floor. I also will have an awkward situation probably with an oblivious player to surrounds he's actually an alright guy I have a distorted view of sorts. It shall be interesting to say the least if it goes ahead at all..... then of course work.
I have a good day but in the background I feel my chest tight and I don't really know why I try not to think about it because it makes me feel a little crazy and jealous of people anxiety is fucked I hate it makes me feel uncomfortable & like I'm running out of air literally. I go home get blasted then get "I'm sorry" then blasted then "I'm sorry" at the end of the day she has no right to tear me down for being nice worried about getting taken advantage of when she has no idea at all... People say I'm too nice....what is too nice? and is it really a bad thing?.....Don't people like nice people I guess not that's why I'm single maybe I should be a little more.... to be honest I don't know... a few years ago I tried being cocky and a prick it was disgusting just to see if it works and the funny thing is it works society is shit sometimes I tried to be that guy its just not me I hate it to. I hate this anxiety go away and go away images. I want someone new to enter my life or anyone to turn around and see that I will treat them well and listen. I put love number 1 but remain curious to physicality of "love" I want this feeling of being alone to end I have no one or even anyone I'm interested in really maybe I do... but I let my image that to be honest I like shatter any chance of any risks with my job position I constantly worry about being called a sleaze so I don't know how to approach anything romantic. I want to be over this person its such a shit thing its hard when this person means a lot to you as a friend and the other feels the same with decade long history so we are both trying to work on it both going through hard times with hidden demons we hide from everyone but each other. We both want to help each other but we both don't want to hurt each other in the process such a weird but nice dynamic in essence. It's amazing the lengths I'll go for love and friendship I feel they are the most important things to me, I try so so hard for people I wonder if anyone notices at all is it even worth it at all I'd like to think it is. Am I trying to hard? Do I look like an idiot? I guess this is the anxiety seeping in.... Am I getting in others way without meaning to?.... I feel out of place at times despite the fact I should feel comfortable I feel confused with life and everything that's happening it all seems so random with events socially happening sporadically and its all spare of the moment so its weird and I'm being chucked around I'm not complaining to much I don't know how to feel its all sort of blah.... Just re-reading this I'm all over the place. I write this feeling tight and nervous not even paying a lot of attention to my surroundings. I know I don't really have any REAL problems I just felt like writing this to I don't even know why kind of an attention seeker at times nowadays I remember a few years ago I used to criticize those who did this even though I'm doing it now.
Dazed & Confused - Led Zeppelin - The Song Remains The Same
Somethings never change which I love and hate to be honest such as regular social events, or coming full circle in many different ways good and bad. Sucks I have a new image of her in my head I wish I could have her in my head but not in that way I don't feel as lonely anymore I don't know why I'm sure they'll come back... but at least they are gone for the moment maybe I can't suffer lust and loneliness at the same time I don't know its weird or maybe I'm just a sad individual also I hate the number 10 right now but also love it....
I love feeling comfortable around certain friends it makes me feel better. I'm going to a night out for quiet drinks and dinner soon to see an old friend/ former co-worker who has complete opposite ideals to me I never understood how we got along but we did and still do like a house on fire lol. Its been weeks uni hasn't given me a probation in anyway e-mail or letter or anything makes me happy :). At the moment things are fucked and good in some ways to more fucked up but I'm handling it well and hopefully I can keep up with the weight loss and healthy eating am trying to stay positive thanks to friends for ongoing support I would never have got this far without any of you and I really mean that.
Thanks Bro - Filter - Songs in the Key of X: Music from and Inspired by the X-Files
Yesterday was a step in a sideways direction :/. I went to a party I didn't want to attend why?... because I'd do anything for this person its the first time I've seen them in 3-4 months and what happens I gaze at her with joy and lust..... fuck she's beautiful I just want to be close friends again but instead I go to this place FFS. I start to come down a friend sees me like this and gets worried (I'm alright old friend you are funny, and great to know you care ^_^). Meanwhile someone who must be oblivious to the current situation is interested in spending more time with me to hang out its very, very weird....I said yes don't know how its gonna go. I escape the place of obnoxious ignorant loud footy bogans to drop people off the second they leave my car I did something I haven't been able to do in ages I cry...
Why do I crawl? Why can't I just be close friends like before I just want this whole feelings crap to disappear I miss things not being weird. I'm jealous of everyone's situation I know its bad to compare but it's hard not to.... It's amazing how a lot of people end up like their parents most of the time I hope someone I know doesn't 2 weeks is hardly enough to time to know someone before you move in it's derp and lol.
I cause problems for those I don't intend for everyone in my social group passively in doing so I push everyone away leaving me alone with no one really to talk to. I don't know who to talk to anymore or who to hang out with everyone is busy, or working, or at a distance, or plain don't want to talk to me. With all that in mind I'm bored out of my mind I don't know what to do nothing satisfies me for too long I want to exercise but I don't want to leave this prison known as my room I should be doing my washing at least its pathetic but instead I may lie in bed take the early shift at work and hope its long one so I don't have to return to my room. I want anything to satisfy me, entertain me. I started online dating to help try and find a girlfriend and all I've got is 50 rejections not one accept to even contact someone not even a derp yes feelgreatman.jpg. I'm sick of being this pathetic 21 year old virgin who is friends with everyone and is this hypocrite who hates people who gossip and inadvertently gossips or creates drama without realizing it. May just sleep the rest of the day and keep it up no one wants to do anything anyway people are tense all about ready to snap in every direction. I feel so inadequate a few years ago I had my first kiss I was drunk but not too drunk more tipsy to be honest at the time and she had asked for it next day she tells everyone at school I took advantage of her and essentially I was a prick. Why do people and life suck? I put my self in that people category aswell. I just want to be happy and cheery but everything that is going on at the moment I have no idea may just go back to sleep let the washing and stuff pile up or go home to parents and hear them yell at me over little shit. Most of my close friends are girls and its nice but it also sucks cos I can't hang with most of them one on one cos they feel they may be criticized by my social groups as something happening between us when really I just want to hang out and talk and shit people can judge so harshly sometimes and I put myself into that category aswell.
Today was tiring but also fun had such an interesting time getting to know new American friend who loves "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" more than me hard to believe...right? He opened my eyes that some of the things we have here are amazing and kinda retarded which is all fair and makes complete sense once you think about it. I'll have some more fun tomorrow wondering around the city and meeting up with someone I rarely get to see outside of work just for fun :). I hope to fire up a BBQ tomorrow god, I get to excited about that I'm becoming stereotypical Australian lol without the shrimp they're to expensive :(....
Friendship group is being a ummm a tad I don't know retarded nothing new oh well hopefully everybody grows up soon being Switzerland is hard work sometimes....
We're From America - Marilyn Manson - The High End Of Low
Hmmmm.... I don't really have anything to write about I am currently situated in an imaginary place that is quite beautiful and a nice break away from the normal tomorrow I meet someone from America who I know fuck all about but does know my housemate and her judgement is generally good most of the time who will be staying with us which is exciting. To be honest I'd love to travel if I had any income for fun things but I don't :( oh well at least going the beach has boosted me hopefully I can lose weight and look good to enter this shallow game of love and take home a prize all in time I guess.....still bored don't know why, I do enjoy watching anime at the moment I need to find a new series something sweet with the occasional laugh along the veins of Toradora! (OMG!, favourite anime EVAH!!!!!). Glad to see housemate is getting into it as well always nice to laugh with friends just good times. I'll finish this blog saying farewell to a regular at work Barton Wohlers thoughts go to your family and friends I'm sure we'll dedicate Megastrip to you buddy and maybe put a plaque up in that pool room you owned that table man.
Exogenesis: Symphony Parts 1,2, & 3 [FULL SUITE] - Muse - The Resistance
Sex, I mentioned/stated my views on this before I've always put love first or a relationship first and I say its not important to me but it gets to me being the 21 year old virgin with body issues and being called a great guy but only as a friend, every girl I have ever known sex with me is just like "what, no its Justin he's a great guy and all but...". I generally cope well but every now and again it gets to me its something no one can escape its conversation everywhere especially in my line of work which I know it sounds strange but I barely pay attention to what goes on there even when I'm in the change room I'm just talking not perving or anything like that I do look don't get me wrong but I just like talking to be honest. I know this sounds disgusting but its true and its my blog so I can talk about what I want so fuck you guy. I use masturbation as a stress reliever (its better than smoking or drinking) and when I watch porn I got to admit it brings me down sometimes.
I do want physical contact its hard though(giggles to self) I don't want to sleep with a girl decide shes not for me then just dump her that's not nice and I don't want to be seen as a sleezy guy because I'm not. Getting made fun of about being a virgin I can take but sometimes it gets a little much and it brings me down. I have nothing happening right now with anyone and have no one in mind I know people I know are receiving fucked up mind games from someone else but to honest I'd like that purely because I have never experienced it I seek what I have not felt girlfriend, sex, spooning, even just a girl to hold with me on the couch while we watch movies or something..... I just want closeness with someone and I don't think anyone is interested or will be... I'm just feeling a little shit tonight I don't know what it is I'm frustrated I don't like to bring it to peoples attention even if I sort of erupt well not explode into rage I just make it obvious that something is wrong.
I get called by people as a different case I don't know what that means "WOW I'm mature and a great guy looking for love and you care and all this other shit" "that's a cool story people help others see that" cos people are fucking stupid. I do comparison which doesn't help but its hard not too and doing that makes me socially uneasy. I'm still better than what I was before, before I may have just I don't know balled my eyes out on this topic I still may but I'm being strong. I had fun today I still feel a little bored I don't know I need to fill a hole(literally) maybe.
Maybe it stems from someone I know who has had sex or has pashed or has been physical in someway with practically everyone in one of my old social groups and I get shoved aside the only one... that always made me question why am I not good enough for any act or what, its not fair for me to say that it casts the person I'm talking about quite negatively shes really a lovely girl and its probably best she never did anything with me and she has some good reasons behind her actions she's not a whore like I made her out to be above it just made me feel inadequate... I guess I get jealous of others sometimes I wish I had closeness. Taking risks.....its not me I like safe don't ask me why I don't get it either. At the end of the day I don't want to hurt anyone and I know I'm hurting myself but at least I'm not making it others problems even though I sort of am like right at this very moment. Sorry to a friend for putting up with my shit sometimes.
Wollt Ihr Das Bett In Flammen Sehen - Rammstein - Live Aus Berlin
Maybe I was a little harsh earlier I still believe what I posted but maybe I shouldn't have gone so far as to so say pathetic it is bad though. About to go to sleep I wonder what I should do tomorrow beach will be shit cos of weather its days like this I wish I had someone to curl up with in bed and be warm and just talk but you know can't win'em all. I'll find something I don't particularly want to hang around room by myself I wish things weren't so complicated I'd love to hang with a good friend of mine but she's distanced herself from me now till she feels she's ready she still feels bad and guilty and she shouldn't its been months now but I will wait I will be patient she was with me it's only fair I hope she's OK.
I look at my surroundings looking specifically at females in my life all of them attractive to be honest and me as the friend, I see them all get treated badly aswell I don't understand what are guys doing out there a girl likes you beautiful and nice and you drag them through the mud this isn't based around a specific person or relationship its referring to all of my female friends I want to help them but I should help myself first. Guys stop being jerks they are nice people.
I'm not over empathizing like I use to which is good was at the stage earlier where I'd be directly in their shoes kinda messed up. Must cure boredom tomorrow some how anyone want to help me text me after 1 since I prob will get up or should get up at that time.
Also note watching a ingrown hair getting pulled out a vagina looks painful.
Tonight I went for drinks yeah... was a mistake bullshit just escalated why did I think it would die down it didn't such bullshit. Sucks I can't relax with some mates casually even I dragged myself into a position that I hate into the bitchiness I'm no better. It sucks seeing a friend getting picked on from everywhere she doesn't deserve that sometimes I feel like just telling them to leave her alone then I'd never hear the end of it and I guess at the end of the day we are all "adults" heh nothing but a bunch of childish children I think we all are its pathetic. Work in 30 minutes it will be a welcome breather never thought I'd say that...
Hurricane v2.0 - 30 Seconds To Mars feat. Kayne West - This Is War (Special Edition)
Today went to the beach in shit conditions like I'm talking thunder, lightning, humid temperature, insanely heavy rain. This shit hits I take care of a friend get essentially torn down by others for seeing if shes alright apparently its bad to be a caring friend... My other mate shows off not really winning any contests I don't think apart from showing those not common to the grounds a chance to hurt themselves its easy for those who are accustomed like myself but not to others. I later leave the beach/river to get food with friends to hear a pot shot thrown at me if the other person was there I feel they would demolish them which is why I didn't make a big deal about it. So much politics I hate it last few days was good without too much drama all this passive, unknowingly aggressive behavior is frustrating supposed to go for drinks tonight don't even want to I want to relax and have fun starting to feel like a chore this social behavior I'm currently witnessing much like a static game which is supposed to take place tomorrow.
Head Like A Hole - Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine
Today I turned 21 and I spent it with some of the besterest(its now a word deal with it) peoples in the world at one of the most relaxed locations in my life. Bodysurfing has done wonders for me and I'm going to keep it up as long as I can. I'm getting comments everywhere saying I've lost weight personally i haven't noticed but a lot of people are saying it. To a close friend of mine sucks we couldn't hang today its alright I understand whats happening with you hope things get better if you ever feel like talking to me about stuff feel free to talk to me you know I want to listen and try to help you :).
I'm looking forward to the next day now its great rather than dreading everything. I'm facing a dilemma at the moment where I could possibly get essentially something physical happening with someone that likes me I think.... but I don't know and I don't want to lead her on or hurt their feelings either. To be honest all I'd want to at the moment is lay in bed holding someone in my arms I've always wanted to experience that closeness it would be nice to me I think that's better than sex and just tell someone that I love them it would be the best thing in the world I remain optimistic that I will find this person sometime soon. I don't want to brag but I think I would make a good boyfriend sucks no one is interested.
Again before I sign off big shout out to 2 people in particular who made my birthday amazing even if it was an average day at the beach you are both awesome!!!!!!
First of all I'd like to say to someone I pushed you away for awhile for my own wellbeing for the best of what we have and will continue to have in the future I'm not having a go at you far from it I just want to let you know I think about you as a friend honestly sometimes the other feelings come back I am doing well to cope and they are slowly disappearing 6 years is a long time to just let go. I'm doing my best I want you at my birthday it would not be the same without you I want you to be as close with me as before I hate hearing about how bad your life is I want to help you and listen but communication is hard I hope you feel the same as I do about hanging soon and opening up communication lines up with me soon you know what I'm like I just like to help glad to see you venting hope it helps.
Last few days have felt like a roller coaster with random trips to middle of nowhere, to a possibility of a new position at work, to a "incident" (which was handled quite well and glad no one was hurt except a fellow unicorn). Despite everything I'm holding myself up quite well I'm quite happy I'm not really to upset about anything even after getting my uni results which were actually quite good considering everything. Only thing I have no idea for is my 21st all I can say is I have nothing..... I'd love to do a big get together but I feel things won't happen. Definitely didn't stay up till 5am playing Worms last night definitely didn't do that. Going to the beach yet again yay! new housemate is pretty chillaxed as far as I can tell life be sweet I'll hang with you soon above friend you are amazing I distanced myself for the best you will see that when you see me next. My problems of taking on everything is slowly going away I'm playing things safe but not too safe its a good feeling. I'll admit being single sometimes can get to me but I cope and I'm still quite happy looking at going the beach tomorrow and jums it was closed today which made a sad, SAH sad...oh well had an amazingly simple BBQ that tasted great. Watching a bad TV show at the moment xoxo.....
Blow Me Away(2011 Mix) - Breaking Benjamin feat. Valora - Shallow Bay: The Best Of Breaking Benjamin
Yesterday I went to the beach had some fun even even if I didn't do much just talked to a mate and discovered something amazing later in the day called "jums". Redyed my hair now its back that bright, vibrant blue everyone loves lol life is good I literally feel happy. I do however wonder about whether a certain tradition will continue with a friend that has been off my radar for a while but always on my mind I hope she says yes. Sometimes I wish I could remove the name from my mind only so then I could have one clear day. I'm still happy as weird as it sounds and having a lot of fun but I wish I had a girlfriend I could share things with it would be lovely and with a clear head free of my friend. I find my self in a crazy situation that I don't know how to handle do I jump at the opportunity or am I misreading things if it doesn't work then things may get fucked and I can't afford that literally I need and like money to live. Tonight I find myself going to a party that I'm not sure how I feel about it seems like the unknown but I guess I will find out. I have to organize my 21st I have done nothing might aswell say I've missed it dinner I'm organizing it but mum keeps poking her head in she means well but is blind as fuck to put it nicely.
Today has been rather random spent an hour at the beach before shit got real son, also a quick mention THONGS ARE G-STRINGS FOR THE FOOT AND SHOULD HAVE CONCEPT OF WEARING THEM RAPED WITH A RUSTY SHOVEL. After that sort of spaced for a bit and by that I mean pass the fuck out wake up at 9 "oh that's nice....door open I don't remember that oh well lol". Watched some bad TV that I'm growing to love lol(Especially those Blues). Then had a mass troll session and had a kick arse time playing Worms Reloaded via LAN with my Housemate she is the coolest :). Step to recovery is getting easier everyday, uni results come out tomorrow and not even worried about whether I fail or pass... well I do but I'm not making it out to be a huge drama like I was beforehand. Love life is still at a stand still but I'm not bothered as much by it this last week has been the best even if nothing has happened.
Today continued the trend I got up got shit done even if this happened later in the day had an amazing tea even a glass of wine had some jokes between close friends watched some bad television and a bad movie. Sucks that one my friends got some bad news I hope you are OK man I am thinking of you and I know we don't talk to seriously about stuff but if you ever need anything don't hesitate haven't known you long but you are awesome :). I also ate a spider well most of him that was different lol surprise my reaction wasn't "What the SHIT NIGGER!!!!" I was just like... "Ohhh OK that's different lol". Was a good morning as well woke up very early to rain outside my window its great so I open my window to watch in bed don't know what it is about rain in makes things light up and up in Belmont its pretty drab if I say so myself but rain and right lighting it looks beautiful and peaceful. Life is great at the moment even if nothing is happening all very casual spending times with friends who are amazing love you all :).
Have been really happy with everything today woke up continued a search I started the night before got a few rejections oh well what can you do I'm new to this so I don't expect things to happen over night you have to put some effort into these things. Ran some boring errands had some nostalgic moments in a place i use to hate even the sight of due to being exhausted of attending but since I haven't popped in for a while it was nice as strange as it sounds. I got to hang with my family just casually no pressure even had a little lay down in my old bed plating around listening to my cd collection I left there as well as some new ones my brother has picked up. Also just great to hang with my brother like we used to just in our room I miss that sometimes. But today was great even dinner despite how terrible the food was glad I didn't pay for it is all I can say lol but I would have just for some great comfortable company at one point my Mum brought up my pills that I am on and I was talking freely about them not feeling anxious or anything. Step towards recovery I hope as boring as most people would say my day would have been if they were in my shoes I thought the last two days have been great... maybe the pressure of concealing it to my peers of my problems held me back? Whatever it was I feel great at the moment and can't wait for tomorrow even though I have nothing planned at all. Money situation has eased up today to so I feel kind of free may even splurge on a game I've had my eye on its release for a while Metal Gear Solid HD Collection FTWinRAR!!!
Jupiter Island - Porcupine Tree - On The Sunday Of Life
Today differed a great deal to yesterday I'm actually quite up. Yesterday I sort of put myself into quite a confronting position which I regretted at the time (Most Irrational day ever!!!) now I've embraced it today I walked into a room full of great people that knew I opened up to them and didn't make things weird it was like a normal day(night lol) which I could not be more happy with I know you all care just from seeing the display today I got just what I wanted no special treatment or anything could not have been more perfect :). Late night beach session without any shit going on or crap just fun times and silliness I've missed you. Tomorrow I have a family dinner which I can't wait for this distance makes you appreciate what awesome people they are.
May wake up and clean room and car with the mood I'm in at the moment either way tonight re-energized my mood which for a while felt like I was dying of something bad like cancer or AIDS.
