RAYR05E / The New Beige

It's amazing how one person doing nothing externally can ruin your day. I'm so sick feel like death... Just arghh one glance... Life is like a marathon to me filled with people that are laughing and gloating holding back cups of water. Sweating and crying

Euro Trains all night burnin' / Escape Velocity

One of my few days off I can't enjoy. Why you ask? ... I could play video games I could screw around on my computer but why should I? I don't deserve it.... Sure I work 6 days a week but doing what... nothing with a real future. Why should I enjoy my day off going to sleep this day away

Bow Queen / Dad

Just want to cry in a corner. So much pressure... Feel trapped.

04AT / 1X ins

Do you ever wonder if anybody would care if you died. People say oh we do... Take away that guilt of ohh its sad he's not with us shit or I knew him I should have done something how many people have tried to hang out with me without me pushing it or just as a tag along or for numbers sake.... I cant name many to be honest. I want to feel wanted at the moment I don't. People make fun of me because of my life and people don't realise how much I try... Am I a bad person for wanting to feel wanted.

I know I'm anxious and down... All I want is a hug and someone to talk to but who will I'm a fucking idiot.

Susser Bobcat / Oh.... And Poor Hector

Tonight I spent my time and energy trying to forget about my life watched dark movies with family hiding tears. Avoiding social life with people who do want to see me. I want someone to talk to but worry whatever I say will be twisted. What ever no one wants to talk to new anyway I'm just a number filler who people console to bring normality then go away.

We Dance / Dinosaurs On Fire / ...To The Wrong Songs

Everything is stressing me out heart racing millions miles an hour most of the time. People want me to talk but I'm scared. Pushing everyone away...

THE NEW BEAT!!! / New Art For The Real People

New Noise - Refused - The Shape Of Punk To Come: A Chimerical Bombination in 12 Bursts

Lies (Response) / Shuggy / Yellow Matter Custard

I read a blog tonight that in all honesty is the truth but also what most psychologists would label as rumination. It talked of society, people, ideals, and social etiquette basically saying "Fuck you WORLD!" which I can admit I'm like all the time whether on the outside or on the inside. But it got me thinking obviously there are a lot of people like us that think this way so why is the world the way it is I guess we all follow to much.

Dark Horse /

Sigh... Things.... Anxiety... Freaking out...and runny nosec

YOTO / Detachable Legs (Peel Star)

I have times where all I think of is her and it sucks. Stressed and tense as well.

Great Man, Great Man / Stumble

Everyday I worry more and more about my friend I'm doing everything I can to support them and cheer them up it sucks when there is nothing much I can do. Sometimes i wonder what life would be like if I was born differently fuck I sound crazy there...

Mouse Named Gerald / Albatross Willowing Across The Sand

Feel so helpless I want to help a close friend of mine so much more than words can describe cos I was speechless. I care for this person so soo much I hate the fact my friend feels the way she does and that I can't help her right now it feels like.

I hope you feel a little more up tomorrow and know I'm there for support as I am for all my friends.

A is for Alpine / Stargasm(2)

Today was frantic. Anxious from people hounding me from each direction, to me trying to help someone, to nearly causing a fight because of it, to seeing a bloodied man on the street with two ambulances in attendance.

Gah, I threw up at one stage partially caused by the junk I'd been eating and partially to stress. I know I should stop using this as a source of rumination...

Could talk more in detail cbf falling to sleep now.

Life At Times in AUDIO FORMAT

 Walk Idiot Walk - The Hives - Tyrannosaurus Hives

Boyle / Sesame Snarisps

Maybe I take things too seriously I don't know. Ideals can beat me at the best of times as with social norms... They can make my life miserable sometimes or anxious or both.

I know they are bullshit but sometimes it feels like pressure from society makes me feel like dirt. I search for images for good and bad reasons.

Brbrbrbrb / yes determine

Things seem on a ledge just balancing slightest knock could create an avalanche of things. Nights seem dark as dumb as that sounds... And empty...

Crimson Bolt / Texada

Wake up anxious so go out of my way to hang with friends. The whole time despite being around friends I feel so alone and empty wondering what I'm doing. After hours of preoccupying my time I finally break and cry.

Rainn Forte / Pfft

Feel like I'm building a personal hell, paranoid about the future. Hoping to I don't know... feel lazy don't have a lot of motivation. I set myself up to fail I think sometimes I used to be very enthusiastic now I struggle to care for much things I used to consider important.

I just want a purpose, I don't seem to feel I have one right now like I feel like I'm searching don't know what for.

Hate this anxiety it feels like just slowly pecking away at me bit by bit.

Random Analysis / Eko / Farris NUCLEAR Torture

Stressed, anxious, worried, about everything I just cry and cry and cry most of the night. I want company scared to ask for it, anxious when I have it... Never ending battle. Scared to ask for help as I don't want to be a bother. I spent tonight trying to distract myself not knowing what to do.

My mind keeps literally going blank on small things and I worry ill forget something important.

I'm torn, I love my friends, I care for my friends... They're arguing and say hurtful things about each other even include me. I drop things for my friends help them people often think I want something when I act that way but I honestly just to help and see a smile one my favourite things in the world as corny as it sounds.

I see things going sour in all of my social groups from backstabbings, misunderstandings, anger, depression, anxiety, body image, power, and more.

It all becomes to much I just get to a point where fuck all the pressures I'm going to watch random videos, eat trash, fap and sleep.

Laughed At / Offended / Awkward

I open myself up but to get blatantly laughed by someone I have trusted for years to the point where they are crying of laughter big joke. So offended by some views I just want to grrrr.... All this makes me anxious and clingy gah....

I'll smile but really I'm just like you don't really think that way do you?....

Someone I respect so much image just shattered.... I'm sick which sucks think positive I'm thinking positive just hard to when anxious hope I didn't make an arse of myself anyway can't change that now look forward march on.

Genki / Zimosport Auto

Gah names leave my head go away..... Blah I hate bed time

Fall Into Sleep / Tasks

Why is it I feel most vulnerable in bed I can have a great day but the second I hit the bed I get depressed about how I'm alone or think about people and situations I'm in or not in... Seems fitting that the room is cold(no matter how high I jack the heater before bed), dark, and lonely. Its always bedtime I feel this way.

Hexen / Grime

Somedays I hate hiding my feelings and my identity but its easier and safer than being open. Masculinity will be civilisations downfall.

Bobby / Gilner

Found a movie describing how I feel right now + more: "Its kind of a funny story"

Nolan 4 / My Bane!!

Have an amazing day so why oh why when its all said and done I'm still thinking of you. :-/

Fuck today

Fuck empathy gets you nowhere

Calgary Alberta / Fuck NO!

This is an opinion thats hard to convey as weird as it sounds I'm not trying to be dirty writing this down I'm trying to convey my pain, my anxiety, and my curiosity.

Sex is a strange, fun, evil, discovery, confusing, amazing...a bit of everything. Its something you can't escape its everywhere media, conversion, human nature. As a person or as a guy age 21 I walk around with this thing attached reminding me of what I'm missing creating thoughts, fantasies, ideals. People say to me sex isn't everything all coming from people who have experienced it, but if you ask them how is sex they say pretty good at the very least. As well yourself reminding your self how an orgasm feels when you masturbate you think to yourself this would be great to share this feeling with someone else not mention exploration and fun with someone. Since puberty you start to discover sex and what your body can do all common knowledge but you also think over and over hey this activity is fun I want to share it with someone. In my position I feel I'm watching everyone I know talk about and share their times they have had in relation to sex where I have none. Its like saying everyone can have pizza but you.... You have the ability to order and eat pizza but can't achive it. I know it sounds strange its just how I feel out of place I make sex jokes to feel I fit when I'm doing the opposite but do it out of anxiety. Blah I feel shit sleep and pass out forget about life. Still don't know how I feel about sex can't even describe what I mean.

Stir Fry / Papadums

Sitting alone as normal, people ignoring my messages you know the usual. I imagine dark scenarios in my head feeling like nothing, a piece of shit, waste of space and time. Dreading tasks I'll screw up who am I going to prove wrong no one cares and I don't either...

Aeons / sleepmakeswaves / 7 Engine(shots)

Have a good day with my brother it was fun... so why can all I think about is her and how I've probably forgotten something or how everyone puts up with my shit. I have trouble being alone. Feel everything building want to just lay in bed forever sounds like heaven to me with the door shut.

Themata - Karnivool - Themata

 

Jugband Blues / The Madcap Laughs

So lonely. Just want company someone comes in I be overbearing just want someone to talk to... Feel like the late Syd Barret lost, alone, and confused.

Octopus - Syd Barret - The Madcap Laughs

Hey, your awake! / Come to the Coast

Some people say human connection is as essential as food or water. How am I living? I feel I'm not. I wish things in society were different but I guess thats just me being selfish as always. I lay in bed feeling like that stereotypical nerd seen in TV that giggles over a girl touching him and its true, Fuck! I'm a loser.

Ji / HR 8938 Cephei / Traestorz

Another night stewing with my problems feeling dull and alone as usual stare at the floor cry then pick myself up to play video games or something then cry again. Such a pathetic life.. It's everywhere wish I could get somewhere or even a confidence boost like someone chasing me or telling me I look good or something feel like I'm fishing for compliments which I sort of am. Everyone makes it sound so simple with stories to tell and things while I just feel out of place, on the outside of social norms.

All the same shit I laze around home today I slept till 5:30 in the afternoon why? because I don't see the point being awake and bored might aswell sleep the day away while I can avoid misery and my bitter life.

Ih-Ah! - Devin Townsend Project - Unplugged

Take It Easy / Emptiness Unobstructed

Feeling Anxious I seem hard to talk to and don't feel comfortable. I know it seems cliche when I say this but I don't feel anyone understands or wants to understand my problem instead they go "Well you..." or something along those lines without letting me finish. I don't know... can't even explain I'm just going to pass out.

Memory Imprints

I hate my memory why do I blank for gah feel like an idiot. My dream for many years to be able to curl up to someone nothing sexual just to lay next to someone passionately maybe talk enjoy a laugh its such a simple dream. Sometimes I lay in bed and just stare into space for hours instead laptop showing a tv show for  background noise.

Resolve! / Seventh Wave

I've had a good day today but it'll get to the end of the day and I'll feel anxious and worry to myself and a little depressed I don't know I shouldn't be but I am. Slept early now I'm wide awake figure out sleepingness.

Ji - Periphery - Periphery II: This Time It's Personal

 

Pulse / Muscles For Bones: Richard Dunn (RIP)

I had fun tonight with one of my favourite friends even if it has been a bitch session at times. I'm tired I go sleep.

Bodies / Cathedral Of Sleep / Silent Talking

Last few days I haven't been good I've sort solitude in my bed staring at a wall thinking about how I fuck things up how no one would want me or look at me. Regretting vulgar attitudes I use to feel like I can fit in when really I'm acting like a dick no one would ever want to me be with. I feel really uncomfortable most of the time feeling like I never pull my weight but have no energy to do anything. I tell myself I'm going to do this, this, and... this. The time comes and I just leave myself to sleep.

I try to think of ways to break my routine with love/relationships/sex whatever the fuck people call it I don't care anymore I just want a hug its always the same things I always say or think.

http://thelandofhumor.com/pic/1060/products/1058Damn,%20Not%20The%20Friend%20Zone%20Again...jpg

   

Blog posts are the same. I ruminate in a shitty negative abyss. Alone, feeling selfish, alienated, like I don't belong anywhere lost wondering around in life comparing ideals or what society wants me to be which I do a lot sometimes taking on pressures of what how I should be and act. Scared. Everyday I wait and wait for someone to have a go at me yell telling me to fuck off your being a cunt, bringing people down, you don't have problems, cheer up. I'm going to bed to cry wait for people to abuse me tomorrow the usual or something to kick me...it's been a while I'm due for something.....*sigh*

 A Drowning - How To Destroy Angels - How To Destroy Angels (Self Titled EP)

I'm Regulated / Ghost

I feel like shit how come I can have a good night with friends but still like I'm a piece of shit what's wrong with me I don't understand.

Alive & Kicking - Nonpoint - To The Pain

No Cars Go / 550 3108DC 24H365 / The Dire Razor

Sure I have a good time here but I can't help but feel so neglected from others that I was once so close. I can't say anything because if I do I sound like a depressed selfish mess and they'll bring up well one night you organized Melbourne and music blah blah blah blah. Some say speak up but logically I can see if I do I'll bite off more than I can chew creating a social shitstorm me in the eye of it in limbo on the outer till the "tribunal" makes a decision on my "place". Do I have to prove myself or what? Do I have to follow everyone till they go OK the foreign wolf can become one of our pack?

It all seems so dramatic what I writing but I guarantee those involved know what I mean or they'll go Justin's being a sensitive flower needing nurturing he can sit over there with Erin. OR what does he want us to do jeez?!!!!!

Guess I'm frustrated and get lonely at nights as well which can't be helped by anyone that's my problem no one else. If I didn't see a post I'd still feel lonely it just annoys me I get no messages, no replys, no calls, no invites to anything anymore. If I want to hang out I have to harass and when I do I feel uncomfortable and not in the circle unwanted by all in attendance. And why because I live 30 minutes away?

Flying Whales - Gojira - From Mars To Sirus

 

Ommited For Clarity / Spectrelight

Last night involved a broken man who has lost himself in a character he can't change or feels he can't change is it an excuse?....well no of course it isn't he can change as can most but yes I'll agree that to change ones self is hard. I was torn I knew what I saw was wrong so did my brother so did everyone so we all shut our mouth before we know it both involved is hurt along with collateral what started as a joke a few years ago pretty much has come to a head. Which is a good thing it was all too tiring. I'm a very loyal person keen to help friends no matter how far everyone drifts away from me I make an effort whether it be out of state, people suburbs away, out of the country, another planet...well you get the idea...

It was a fun night it all sounds so negative but it was really I can't explain how it went really it was a blur of change things chopping and changing even for the sober like myself involving the general public like always it does in Melbourne with my friends. I did have fun even if it was a bit fucked at times. Looking around things and events are obvious and with knowing people you can pick things up but how they roll out I guess is the surprise of life (Kill me for that generic bullshit line lol).

See You At The Show - Nickelback - The Long Road

 

The Wild Healer / How To Measure A Planet / Duality (9)

A night filled with drama, compassion, strength, reunions, & discovery. My head is pounding I haven't touched a drop of liquor all comes from loud music and drama. Blah. I'd really like to go into more depth but sleep is required I think.

Somebody Someone -  Korn - Issues

Demon League / G-I900

Why do I feel like I'm drowning life isn't that bad logically it really isn't so why do I feel like life is a waste I pull my car over some nights to cry then drive on. I feel I should seclude myself away from others who'd want to talk to me right? so I can get nervous make over the top sexual jokes to feel like I fit in with people when really I'm making the regular fool out of myself. Being all jaded and explicitly confident but really I'm just a shell of a person. I talk negatively pushing people away, or not talk. Just feel shit and lonely... sick of crying and feeling like I'm life's joke.

Doing My Duty - TV On The Radio - OK Calculator

Seaweed Farm / Spooks

Anger at myself is reflected in how I behave. I think I just want someone to talk feel I can't talk to anyone people have already just stopped talking to me. I guess I deserve it I'm as my friend says the good guy who plays the victim always wanting a crutch even though I tell myself and others I don't. Feel like some stereotypical cranky single hating on everything as well as being some horny virgin. All first world problem crap. Kind of lonely.

Khaos Legions

Never know what I want routine or chaos I crave chaos but am better at routine.

Heroes Of Our Time / Alien Young Lad

This may sound kind of dumb to some but I use music to get through my life it's something I love so it shouldn't be a shock to most who know me that one of my role models in life is a musician. I've only been a fan of this man for a bit maybe a year or two. That person would be one Canadian by the name of Devin Townsend but I won't bore you with me going why he is awesome musically because that's not what this blog is about. He's a role model to me because of what he has overcome in his past involving things like drugs, depression, peer pressures, self-image and how he chooses to openly reflect on his previous issues and what he has learned from people. As well as being himself in such a relaxed way never thinking negatively and wanting to help people and answer any question no matter how stupid and being an individual but not in a "ooo look at me hipster way". He's the kind of person I'd like to be in future years not to copy him by any means but to have those qualities which not to sound immodest but I like to think I have some of those qualities already just without the confidence.

Truth - Devin Townsend - Infinity

 

Detox / "Did a korean person die?" / City

Worlds have collided which I think is pretty cool. Sometimes I don't know what I want in life as a kid I had many dreams I would openly share over the years i've become more and more like a complex closed book. As a kid I wanted to be a chef, comedian, game tester, & screen writer. Over the years i've become more and more scared and confused about the future learning that its not as easy as I thought. I'm working towards surviving at the moment both emotionally, financially, & physically. Why do I insist on listening but not speaking about things. Why do I feel anxious about myself, image, and the future.

Working Man / Jon Hamms

Life is "just". This is a concept I grasped a few months ago. I still don't quite get it to be honest does it mean we endure, we enjoy, we love, we loathe, we wait, we discover. I guess it comes down to the meaning of life which is a bullshit philosophy that's infinite. I'm rambling I guess I'm confused is all.

Weird, but the same / Mountford

Routine gets tired sometimes I want something different but still familiar its hard to explain. To quote James Maynard "I know the pieces fit!"

Gdańsk / Headlong Flight

I have friends, family, an amazing housemate who goes by unappreciated by me to be honest, money coming in slowly, learning to slowly budget week-by-week sure I'm not saving but I'll worry about that later. I have friends overseas still keeping in contact with me in one way or another most days nice to know they are thinking of me. Life isn't that bad, so why can all I think about is her I shake my head physically just to try and lose the name it just hovers in my head why?!!!!!! I thought after a year of virtually no contact would help me.

Caravan - Rush - Clockwork Angels

 

Cray / Open Car VII

Some people are determined with things so much so that they can't seem to realise what's happening or going on I can't talk I'm guilty also. Best bet is to sit back and laugh I think as hard and dumb as it sounds.

Borgore / Dry Bone Valley(2)

Bones aching, throat sore, mind dull, head pounding, nose running and sore. Working was a whole new level of brilliant... *cough* (literally).

In a nut shell feel like death. Urghhhhhbbh blurgurghhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Scenes From A Memory / Freeze Dry Seal

Shaking and its my fault damn my memory grrrrr........ Tomorrow will be fun :/ zombie like and all. Feel empty like I'm missing something. Losing friends because of this shell I've formed around myself... I ruminate my head pounds in a physical and emotional way. I feel lonely but don't I guess. I don't know how I feel to describe it feel I threw away things I shouldn't feel bad about I look back at decisions I've made to make myself to be that "good/nice guy", "pushover", "victim". All words I've always been called by friends, strangers, family, work colleagues.

Would my life be better with no one in it...in a bubble sometimes I wonder if I was brought up not knowing a soul and walking around an empty world with the same luxuries. I see idiots online complain about their amazing lives while people I know suffer. I feel like living a lie has more positives than negatives maybe I should have kept my mouth shut with everything in my life others could do without my dumb opinions.

Slow Chemical - Finger Eleven - The Punisher Soundtrack

 

A Scratch / No Different

Mixed feelings I'm happy but feel unfulfilled like somethings missing in my life a piece that I should be able to live without but lingers in the background I'm being nostalgic playing games that ate my teen years things I used to make me forget which is working again. I'm waiting for people to shout at me its something since I was a kid have been used to and am usually right about. I'm angry and want to shout but know its a bad idea to do so. Sometimes I grind my teeth with things and my mind will say its not worth it don't say anything or get involved

I feel like I'm behind with things or out of the loop. I feel desperate. I don't know I'm happy least I think I am. I could go on...

Combustion / Club Sandwich

I got an apology today feel like saying its kinda too late. But I would like to use this post to thank 3 amazing girls who have kept me sane the last 2 months and to wish awesome fun in the land of fast food. I'm exhausted.

Final Fantasy X / Ommadawn

I'll just cry... wondering why I can't get over her after this long nothing but pathetic. Sat in my car for half hour when I rocked home just staring at the roof of my car for no reason wondering why after everything she wouldn't even let me say goodbye. I know alot of people have their opinions on her and everything but all I wanted was to say goodbye maybe give her a card and a hug that's it just 5-10 minutes sure longer maybe lunch would have been nice but I'd be happy with 10 minutes. Feel tired, head throbbing, hungry.

Watch The World Burn - Trivium - In Waves

 

Projectile Vomit

I'm sick of crying today I did small tasks whatever I could to deter my mind once I stop I cry I'm exhausted a friend tried talking to me about it today I had to stop them its too hard...

I know this person hasn't been much of a friend recently but she has meant a lot to me in the past i've had such good memories I just want 10 minutes to say goodbye. Just want to say goodbye....

Landfill / sigh

Not even a response. Losing a friend is shit. I wrote whole bunch of stuff before my phone crashed. Why am I the good guy the guy who gets stepped on, pushed aside, taken advantage of, forgotten... Because I have no attitude, no spunk, no spark. Anxiety gets me in a state scared wanting to be away.

Bed Thoughts...

Ideas...dreams...prospects fade for all around me. Feels like I'm waiting for things

Bon Fire / Total Make Destroy

Life feels unpredictable yet predictable. I shut myself off as I know people are getting sick of me talking so I bottle things up and keep to myself and try not to bother people I try to do small odd jobs for people in the hopes people notice. Everyday I seem more tired than the last yet I do nothing about it till I'm pushed like I'm dependent in a way kind of pathetic. I've gone silent to some people as I don't want to think I'm treating them as an emotional crutch because I know that's a shit feel.

I stay up knowing I have to be up early to get things done.

7 Words - Deftones - Adrenaline

 

Innervision / The Black Halo

Last night I had such a terrifying dream I dreamt I flew off the handle drove like a maniac of a bridge, was being choked by my brother, while everyone stared, lost control of my own body and mind. Just felt real and scary.

Today I was tired all day, anxious aswell feeling like a screw up I do my best to ignore these feelings and do something else but sometimes they get the better. I feel i've shut myself off from people I don't want them being angry with me. Today was a blah day i've probably forgotten something aswell

Hectic, Crazy, Insane, Unexpected / Eventful is the Word

Over a weekend I've seen a man bashed to a bloody pulp some thought he may have died at the time. I've witnessed friends attacked. I've had an apology from someone so unexpected. Confronted with a new world. Hearing people blame themselves for things about me brought to tears I've been told by friends.

Last few days so much has happened I haven't listed everything... Don't think I have processed things my self yet...

Mysterious Semblance At The Strand Of Nightmares / Raider Acceleration

The other night I met a strange man that I was introduced to by lovely depressed acquaintance of mine (sorry I couldn't hear your entire story I'll catch up with you next time that's a promise) who he had met that night aswell. I didn't catch his name but he seemed interested in an adventure he had taken the week off work carrying nothing but the essentials and a tent with sleeping bag. He wanted to meet new people and see where his life would go without structure. He seemed keen to know me and said do you mind if I give my honest first impression of you in just this short span of conversation we had already had. He said that I seemed to be very honest, and the "good guy" with a lot of empathy, who's quite unlucky, and smart.

I was a little shocked.

Probably not interesting of a story to others but it was to me. I feel like I'm gasping for air at the moment and waiting for the thing or abuse.

Drowning In Slow Motion - Trivium - In Waves (Special Edition)

 

Faulty Launcher / Tristram Hellfire

I get told not to define myself with relationships and sex... Yet I do which is bad I feel I'm missing out. I feel like I'm in class again while Mrs. McBride is yelling at me "You will never have a girlfriend, girls don't go near Justin" while my mum stands there and agrees and encourages... I feel like back then except you could escape and say girls are icky as a child.

I've always been timid trying to distance myself from my father which is hard when people have always said I'm so much like him in every way. I've always tried to not push people away so I never take chances with my actions as in scared to offend even though i'll do that anyway.

I want sex not for gratification or a tick even though it would be nice I want the closeness between two open individuals I know I'm building things up. But I'd love to hold someone in my arms talk and stuff. Am I the only one that wants this...

I don't know why I stay up so late... I really don't.

Gavin Harrison / Newjack

I lie in bed mulling over the same thing I have gone over for the past year others throw their 2 cents in and they're probably right I still like to think the best. I don't know what to write people around me are having a hard time it sucks I want to help each and everyone but I can't. Sometimes I hate being empathetic it just brings me down. Why are things so complicated now...

Dai the Flu / In Your Room / Prelude (The Family Trip)

Wake to shit, stay at my parents hear arguments I try to ignore it I can see my brother is too I stay longer for my brothers sake. All small things that eat away I can see it my brother can too we stay quiet brother pretends everything is fine despite the fact he literally never leaves his room. I want to but in at times but I never do because that would be stupid and also because I don't want the shit plus its awkward... It's not one-sided I can see that anyone can except maybe my grandparents who side with my mother. I know I don't have bad family my family care and are great its just a little shit seeing this happen and you can just tell it will go to shit soon slowly but surely.

Saying all this I haven't had a bad day it's been quite good my wonderful housemate made dinner (must admit felt like I crashed dinner :/) played some games though in this empty room I do feel a little lonely while people laugh down the hall together. I know I'm being overly sensitive and should be slapped for thinking that way. Guess it would be nice to have a friend in the area maybe in the future I'll make one. Logically my life is good and I shouldn't complain about missing things I guess my comparisons is something I should really look at.

Your Unpleasent Family - Porcupine Tree - The Incident

Drag Ropes / Script For A Jesters Tear

What's it matter no one cares... I can tell everyone on my steam account is generally on steam playing DotA 2 or posting away on facebook... continuously I turned down work MONEY I NEED. To be sitting on my computer crying building more stress alone making money tighter putting strain on my housemate aswell. Out of all my friends who I go out of my way for doing things I can't afford and so on I invite at least 100 people who intends on coming not even 5 people these people try and cheer me up most days saying your a great guy you have plenty of friends... well I look around and see an empty room playing a third wheel like most nights I do is not my idea of a good time feel like crawling up into bed and dying. I have no money... no fun...no friends. I'll just stare into space that'll be my night gah put on fake smile tomorrow tell work I had an amazing night with friends when really I say bring on death it's not like anyone will obviously miss me.

Cloudy Now - Blackfield - Live In New York

 

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you, She tied you to her kitchen chair, She broke your throne and she cut your hair...

Years...D&Ms...shopping...tales...memories...habits all feel dead and unfamiliar.

Gay Pride! Can We Fuck? / Novelty To The Same

Why is it that homosexuality, bisexuality is needs to be ridiculed be so novel that people will tear it down without seeing what they are doing and those who are gay do the same wanting gay marriage legalized when all they do is fuck in their fucking circles I know I've only been out for a bit but what is wrong with this hypocritical community where if you don't fuck your not it. It's a different story if you're a virgin if you're a virgin you can still be classed as straight I am bisexual and a virgin and so what. What should it matter if I am either of those things. I am not a bad person I do my best as a person to care for my friends and my family sure I come off the rails every now and again I can be crass at the dumbest times, I feel down when alone even get to crying or get jealous I am only human.

Why are people intent on making a big deal on the physical I'm not the most attractive person alive but neither are you if you feel so inclined to think that about yourself then you are douche. People I know at one time or another have ridiculed me my life about sex whether that I've had it or that I'm gay or that I'm uneducated on some of the terms, acts of sex itself. If I am crass, dumb over sex it's because people in this fucked society has made me this way to feel accepted in society granted it's still not an excuse for anyone's behavior.

Sexuality doesn't need to be defined in anyway in my opinion if you are gay/lesbian or whatever other word you want to call it and you are open about it fine that's all cool just don't say we are all like this everyone is different saying we are all the same is bullshit. As with bisexuality the whole debate you like either sex equally is bullshit generally there always be you like one more than the other just like you can have favourited children and that's fine you don't need to define a thing.

A relationship is to be good friends with an individual to love one and another in what ever way you choose to if you showing your love means some deranged bondage session then so be it but love can be expressed in other ways not just physical it can be expressed by knowing someone by taking care of them in the rough times and having fun together in the good times. Love is something that can be described in many ways there is no right answer and no wrong answer either so this rant could be completely hypocritical to another person. I guess what I'm saying is stop having a go at people for their views (I know from me that's a bit rich for those who know me but even I at least know I wrong even if I say I'm right because i know I'm a hypocrite)

I suppose this is just my opinion but its my blog so Nerrrrrrr. *sticks out tongue*

BEARFORCE 1

Grace / Bless

I'm living in a dream land everything is just blah I should care more about things but instead set my sights on one thing. I have no motivation for things I feel kind of flat. I get fucked up over things that shouldn't define me. Events are drawing near and I know when it happens I'm going to lose my shit guess a group thing would be good *sigh*. I know its not but I'll treat it like a death never to be seen again.

Dream Brother(Jeff Buckley Cover) - TesseracT -Perspective

 

BENZIN!!!! / An Arched Pathway

I let things consume me at times not knowing why I do things when I know I should stop if I take a step back I worry about situations. In my head I'm waiting for someone to scream at me. Things make me feel uncomfortable even things I say make me feel a little uncomfortable and the things I'm excited about I can't share yet do at times making things difficult for myself I think someone or many people may tell me to go away some are. Money is tight I feel I can't keep up with myself or others I think of the future it scares me. I'm in a situation that may explode soon that I have every right to be upset about but I can't say a thing I don't want to hurt my friend which could make things worse for me as well I cross my fingers hoping everything will be okay but I know something will blow up soon. I seek advice I research things but I wish I could talk to someone comfortably about questions I have but I don't... its hard to find someone I can trust with the questions I want to ask I know a lot of people probably face the same problem I do. I guess I'm hating some laughing at me when I don't know something like terms or sex stuff I've always felt behind as a teenager for instance only the last 2 or 3 years did I really figure out what "putting out" meant I knew it was a sex/relationship/romance related thing but never knew what it truly meant so I would just laugh along in my head thinking I know nothing. Society perpetuates sex and this makes people like me feel anxious and panic making things worse. I'm slowly becoming confident with this new admitted sexuality and I guess at times I've got to shut my mouth but I'm all excited after hiding worried, anxious, scared of my loved ones friends and family feeling like I'm a different person but I guess me acting this way creates a different me I don't know. At times I get lonely with no motivation but to lay in bed getting up only when necessary like the other day I lay in bed just wanting to just ignore pop-culture that I need to catch up with which feels like study in itself because if I'm not up to date I can't keep up with conversation or have nothing to talk about since I have barely any appropriate conversation topics unless people are interested in abstract movies/world movies, abstract music, or indie games that bugger all people have heard of. I have a guilt like I'm not helping people, friends, housemate, family. I'm doing something I haven't done in weeks maybe this has built up I don't know I'm crying. I start my diary tonight to give to my psychologist which details muscle relaxation I hope it helps also talking about things I can and can't control in my life. Maybe I just want a companion I know it shouldn't define me but as I've learnt with life which really shouldn't apply here its just how I feel life is just...

Sometimes I feel this song is how I feel on my down days.

Mein Herz Brennt (My Heart Burns) - Mutter - Rammstein

 

Faith Hilling / The Madness & The Damage Done

I feel like I'm missing something. Feel a little hollow and bored. People are having fun guess I'm feeling anxious for the first time in a while. Since coming out I've slowly realized that I don't know much at all I'm doing my best to learn culture in that part of me. I know I don't have to know these things like terms and so on I don't have to follow trends and I don't plan on it either but I feel I don't know the basics and feel uncomfortable because of it. Guess I'm just anxious and a little lonely wanting someone in my life oh well. Guess it'll happen at some point.

The Madness & The Damage Done - Shining (Nor) - Blackjazz

The Sickening Dwell / Red Birds Will Fly Out Of The East & Destroy Paris In A Night

I want to write but have no energy

Angry funtime is dumb

Anger made me lash out I'm stuck going to a party I don't really want to go to by myself but now am. I'm being selfish and stuff and fucked up. Gah I'm a cunt sometimes. Work soon... cbf dealing with people today.

II. Paradise Lost: Serpent Tongue / Thefakesoundofprogress

I feel like things are unfair with someone how it's be alright one way but not another. Things were awkward one is doing legwork while another does nothing I'm making an effort but get no reply what so ever people are coming to me going why is it like this and what am I to say? I have as much clue as the next person. I'm trying to get things to work and it seems nothing is happening on the other end. I get frustrated want to lock self in room but I don't. "They" tell others "Yeah... it was awkward" well I feel like shaking them and say do something about it come talk to me why must it always be me to try and fix things...

Every friendship I've ever had. I've been the strong one. Can't I be the weak one for once I feel I deserve it. Wish I had friends here instead of hanging onto others. It would be nice to call someone and go "hey you feel like coming over?" I feel that line....wait not feel.... that line has not been uttered once. *Sigh* I'll have another attempt at doing things I guess. I can't say anything because people will go blah well its not the same blah blah this blah and blah blah. I don't even care anymore if they don't understand I guess they never will it's too hard to explain.

Whatever - Godsmack - Godsmack

Don't know if bacon bad

Lost in relapse...
Tongue on hold

Making Mirrors / "Goode"

Feeling kind of down over something I shouldn't. I feel like I've lost touch with someone I was once so close to and now I have no time to patch things up before it's too late. I guess I'm freaking out its something I have no control over. It's something I'll have to learn to except I guess I strangely still have false hope arghhh just feel a little stupid I guess. I'll be right just need to vent I guess...

Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra - Making Mirrors

Disruptr / Korean Jump

I feel more alive, more grown up, free. I can admit my eye still has one in mind but I'm not going to let it get to me. I feel like a fire is burning inside me.

A new adventure begins for me I'm nearly out and proud. Well I'm proud already.

Tall Latte / Blue Dress / "Look at Us.... Fucking Wicked"

I look towards the future with it glowing brightly its amazing how something so simple... yet so big can change how you feel so quickly and how my fears were just in my head, I love my friends they have made things so much easier for me. Worries seem smaller. Being able to talk so openly is such a high for me right now I go on and on and don't get tired of it. Friendships seem closer than ever before.

Kingdom - Devin Townsend - Live In Baltimore EP 2011

Collect... Catalogue... Preserve... Amass... Index / N9 / Infinite Ocean

Ahhhh.... feel so free, so relaxed, that I can talk so openly among my friends now it's the little things that have had me tense after all these years I'm out! I can breathe. People who know are probably sick of me saying that but I'm so excited right now. I love my friends for being so supportive it means alot that I can talk about it and be myself and not hide anymore. I would be lying if I said that I'm not worried about telling some people or them knowing but I guess it will show me who likes me for me I hope the friends i consider close will stand by me so far so good. I'm more than happy for the results that I have recieved over the last few days with every new person I've told I feel weights are being lifted that have been crushing me for years and years. I'm proud of who I am and why shouldn't I be. Maybe now with this new found confidence I can find a special someone to cuddle up to at night have fun and shower with love as corny as that sounds I can't wait. Better go to bed work in the morning life seems so free and beautiful at the moment.

My Fork In The Road(Your Knife In My Back) - Atreyu - A  Death-Grip On Yesterday

 

Uncomfortably Numb / Bored To Death / Brains Out!

Today I lay bored to death browsing the internet and I realize I don't care everything is just a waste of time I don't really find what I'm doing interesting at all start a game... bored... start watching something... bored. Though if I'm with people doing the same thing I'm good I don't know what it is I guess I'm lonely here a lot. But I can still be picky I don't know. Today I was blank more than anything I admitted something that is so confusing, difficult, and scary to me.

I sit at times tears running down my face feeling helpless... like life will be a uphill battle for the rest of my life be abnormal dealing with the virgin thing, the finance stuff, social anxiety, being to nice and being stood on like I have in the past. I try my best to the point where I don't see the limit and get stood on...People say I have high empathy and stuff I don't where I'm going with this I feel lost with life I guess others feel the same I don't know. I hate being up and down its shit oh well off to bed deal with another challenge of shit tomorrow.... I'll have done something wrong i always do.

Ghost - Devin Townsend Project - Ghost

Regulator / Slow Me Down / Things Beyond Things

I sit here not knowing what to do with myself something all to regular to me in my life. I sit here trying to accept a goodbye from a friend which I haven't even received something I found out from others I don't even know when they are leaving its hard to accept someone I used to be so close to just drops you from their life they say they haven't but I clearly have I don't know anything anymore. Struggling self-image. I try to entertain myself it just doesn't work... porn doesn't even do the trick anymore its just shit... movies... music I feel bored and over everything before it even starts...

 ^Me^

I feel I want an adventure but I know that the second it starts I'll be over it. I stress always tense not knowing what to do till I freeze and keel over. Conversations are short no ones interested in talking about me or even to me. Feeling used by mundane things at times. Treated like a baby living outside a circle of everything only place I feel comfortable is at work a place that is supposed to be bad for me I don't tend to ruminate much anymore its more just feeling down I don't tend to run in circles though some could debate it's what I'm doing now and they are probably right. I feel like I'm misunderstood at times and that I have no future look at me deferring from uni from a course I've failed half of when doing part-time study, friends finishing. Friends seem questionable at times I worry about judgements that may be cast. I feel maturity has a huge asterisk next to it. I picture a funeral at times and how it would be in curiosity. Tomorrow I have work in an environment where I think my boss hates me. People are over my moping they shout in anger while I crawl into my corner and cry an all to common occurrence. I constantly worry I'm being a terrible housemate, friend, worker, & person. I sit here awaiting another tragedy/problem to occur. I struggle to keep my head above water. I stare at an ugly face in the mirror seeing a failure and want to punch it in anger. I go home wanting to say hello but everytime it ends in a fight I go to a friends house get ignored... don't blame them really *sigh* oh well off to bed see another meaningless day out I guess just drift through the day much like today.

Regulator - Devin Townsend - Ocean Machine: Biomech

 

Why? Escape? Yeah? / Mouth...SEALED IN TIGHT

When I was younger I wondered why people would actually want to kill them selves I'm beginning to see more and more why people would actually want to do it. I feel like I have no escape what do I do? I want someone to talk to the people I want/try to talk either hate me, ignore me, or get angry with me. Today I broke....AGAIN. It's gotten to the point where if someone asked me have you thought of hurting yourself I would respond with "yes". I just want someone to listen which I know sounds selfish considering I know those around me have problems. I don't want to cause more problems and I might just posting this. Worse thing is my negative thoughts on myself are right. I bank every worry no matter how small till I panic. Pathetic, Lazy, Child. I want escape I want to jump.

Animal Rights / Maths

I sit here feeling like nothing will ever happen to me I get rejected by everyone over and over again. While everyone I know has at least something. I can't even move half the time I just stare thinking about all the things I'm missing in life. I think over and over till something is paid or done I worry I'm being a shit friend to everyone in my life. I go home excited to see my family and they tear me down wherever possible confirming my own negative thoughts. I look around and my mind tells me "why even look it doesn't matter". I over do things as I don't want to be seen as lazy. When I'm alone tears run no matter what the occasion. I wish I had something even if it was fucked up. I'm doing it again playing the victim useless to everyone when I'm like this. I wish I had friends *sigh*...

Gravitational Constant / Lost Mataban

Constantly worried of disappointing people. Am anxious towards everything I sit in most rooms and panic no matter where I am only exception is when I'm alone which is just me crying constantly. I wake up stressed over daily tasks and whether I can do them properly. I wish I had friends I feel out of place all the time most of my close friends are ignoring me and I'm not anxious about I can see that it's fact and why because I defend other friends...

People say don't worry about all coming from people who have multiple groups of friends. People say don't compare when others do it when explaining something in most cases to me. I wonder if things will change I'm trying and stressing over money is another thing I must be the most childish individual I know. I try to get help I see a doctor and he just wouldn't listen to a word I say nor did he even feign to care like most people. I often wonder if I'm used as a tool for others and once I'm used I get thrown away its been this way my whole life with friends. I'd love a friend to stay by my side that wants to stand by my side for once. I don't feel I can be honest with people as they will run away I try not to be overbearing which can happen at times I can admit. I feel trapped, hollow and abandoned. Feel like I'm a burden on everyone and everything. I kinda like the false friend pretense at least I can pretend to be happy. I'm researching other close doctors clinics and youth services for help as I hate myself... I hate the way I'm thinking at the moment I want it to change. I'm looking for help I just wish I had someone to talk to apart from what feels like paid help.

Abandoned - Kamelot - One Cold Winters Night

 

Issues / The Hymn Of A Broken Man

Can't be happy have to find something wrong. Try to talk to others doesn't matter who am I fooling I haven't got a soul. I moved for a fresh start but who knew it doesn't work that way. I'm never hungry so I force myself food or I use food as an escape that I can't even afford. Nothing but a fucking child that should have been put down talking won't help I'll just spiral till I hit that crash point. Friends I wish I could have one the ones I have are either completely leaving Victoria and I'm in love with and have been for years because I'm a fucking fool. The other who I treat as a mother because I'm a baby. Others are few and I find frustrating at times. I'm poor I cry myself to sleep each night nothing has changed. I try to keep busy when I'm free but most of the time I just pass out to wake up and keep hating myself more and more each day. Some days I think of just running onto a highway just to end it all I've felt this way for months and months or drive into a pole. I feel I should be honest but I know if I do people may just walk away or I'll be beaten up. Career a Joke. Love pfft don't stupid that won't happen to you look at you..you fat fucking emotional mess. Money nothing but me crawling and begging like I do with life. I get things handed to me as I am a lazy fucking piece of dirt. I deserve to be alone why talk to me I'm a fuck. People yell I pick myself up well I think I do then come to a conclusion that I'm handfed. I get false compliments all the time. I use excuses to pass the day by till it blows up , I feel like everything I do is never good enough or wrong and I look back and know everything I have ever done is sort of a mistake. My Life is a mistake. I cry curled up in a ball tissues everywhere with snot and tears. Feeling selfish knowing others have problems and I just dump on them emotionally and with organisation. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! Sorry to those who know me and put up with me ill just work and stay below the radar. I guess I could go home listen to family fight while me and my brother pretend we can't hear drown it out with our music.

By Way Of Choice / Raw Dog

I live with discomfort at times trying to be sympathetic to others interests and loves one thing that has always made me uncomfortable with the odd rare occasion is animals I like them but am specific. It sounds weird I know but I guess I'm the same with people as well. I may sound like a heartless person but I would have kept driving if I stopped for every animal I saw and felt for every animal or person I saw I would have a breakdown. If I say that I'm a terrible person even though I'm just being honest. I feel for things because others do which at times is a huge problem for me. I maybe should have waited I don't know. I could rage and say blah blah I didn't want this in the first place but I won't because if I was smart I would have defined it more clearly. I don't know however I could have handled it I still don't think I would have got it right. There's things I want to say that I feel are the truth but they are to hurtful and cause too much problems and will be thrown back at me. I essentially have blood on my hands of course I don't feel good maybe I should have waited. I'm not good with animals I admit but it doesn't mean I hate them I do like animals its weird but most make me uncomfortable always have. Very few exceptions. I'll admit I have trouble making decisions sometimes maybe this was the wrong one...of course from an animal lovers point of view it is... this post paints me in a bad light I'll admit but its a weird situation to explain...well from my perspective anyway. I don't want to think about what I've done I'll cry again... I unwilling entered a situation that I can't talk about because no matter which way I explain it I'm the terrible person. Go for a quick drive to K-Mart then cook tea hopefully it will take my mind off of things...

Kill Rock'N'Roll - System Of A Down - Hypnotize

A Special Sympathy

I feel alone I want someone to curl up to. People say being physical isn't everything to me its a goal a mile away. I missed so much stewing on things. Friends are becoming a foreign concept. All to busy I waste a night off being my awkward in the way self. I feel like the special kid where when I'm not looking people are like "awww look at him go". I wish I had something secure in my life...

The fucked thing is I'm a hypocrite I crave sympathy yet hate it aswell and if people say it like it is I'll get fucked up. I'm going to passout.

Plastic Spider Thingy / Blue Rats (Blue Cheese Mix)

I roll around in a empty house having fun watching things I haven't had a chance to watch due to discomfort in the past I laugh turn to my left to realize I'm by myself. I want just someone to hang out with which I know is hard considering I'm free a lot of the time in times when people are busy even at night just someone I could talk to...sure I have facebook and a housemate that I see a little of the day which is fine she lives her own life and I live mine and I sure as hell don't expect her to hang out with me all the time because that's ridiculous. I want to meet new people its one of the reasons I moved to a new place I just don't know how with everything in my life I've had everything handed to me one way or the other whether it be help emotionally, administratively, or whatever else (not so much financially though I think). I've kind of cut myself off from talking again because I don't want to use people especially my friends as emotional crutches anymore I did it for a while I'd rather keep to myself than be a bother to everyone else in my life. I feel bad for my family especially for my brother aunty dying, direct reconnection, dealing with 2 small siblings as well. There's not a lot I can do except listen every now and again. As I said earlier I'm trying to do things for myself which is going quite well I'm still quite forgetful with things but I'm trying and I hope others see that I'm doing my best. I get teary about things every now and again but am doing my best to be strong. I kinda feel life at the moment is sorta slipping into place I just wouldn't mind someone to hold and enjoy these positive feelings with me I'm in talks with someone at the moment but whether it all happens is another question its one to talk but to act is a different story. I hope all the pieces complete my puzzle shortly I feel like I'm just missing two things friends and a special someone.

Raise Me Up / Its Oh So Quiet...

A little tense and upset in a week I found out a secret idol of mine died....along with finding out an aunty has died yesterday. I lay quiet most of the day trying to wrap my head around events I saw a memorial at work on TV and must admit I teared up a little. A little bored with things but busy at the same time. I have friends with heavy things on all their minds I want to be there for all of them I really do but I can't. But I do have something sort of positive going on so that's good trying not to build it up to much because I'll set myself up for a fall and I've had too many of those this year already ill try not to dwell on things too much and stop rumination.

In-Ah! / Pulled Underat 2000 Metres A Second

I'm currently in a new place, had a severe breakdown. I'm still so scared...I don't know who to talk to the person I usually talk to is overwhelmed and with good reason I know I can be overbearing especially in my current state. All I want is help and the scary thing is that the only person that can do anything to help is myself its confronting. I currently am stressed all the time with unpacking, finances, lack of lovelife, pressure of my image, family problems, lack of social life, daily tasks, previous house, uphold good housemate image. I feel I have no one to talk to I'm scared that if I say anything people will blast me and say that's not even a big deal essentially telling me to fuck off or they calm me down then confirm my anxiety was correct. I'm supposed to relax I haven't had a second to even think about it some nights on long drives by myself I start to cry knowing what ever I do it doesn't matter I know life will kick me again for something I've tried my best at. I ruminate, I compare, I try to be happy, I smile in the hopes I'll feel better about my life. I smile when a friend talks about sex when really my mind is telling me �...you won't get sex look at you, your pathetic, unattractive, a pushover, too nice�. It sounds fucked up but the things that calm me down and fuck me are the one and the same. All I want is someone to have fun with take care of and treat well. My thoughts entail me being a waste... I play up these feelings then someone picks up on it tells me its true due to my behavior and I end up back at the start of the cycle. If I tell my close friends my problems they calm me down then tell me my thoughts are true later. I act like a baby, I cry like a baby. Someone will respond to this post saying something that will most likely I will ignore or I say I acknowledge then do nothing about because I'm a lazy shit. People say no one thinks this negatively about me...most of this comes from those who rarely hang out with me one on one. All this is asking for attention. Three days ago I heard an external case similar in some aspects to my own problems from a friends perspective which made me feel worse knowing I'm doing the same. I wish I had some friends out here I do like this place though. People talk about friends like they are objects sometimes I feel like telling them what's being said but I bite my tongue and listen to the shit. I'm doing my best to help everyone I can. I wish I could talk to someone but I know I can't. I'm trying to be the best me still feel 5%. I wish I could stop crying. I don't like using this as an excuse but I do passively. I want to have fun but don't have the time, nor the friends....what would I do anyway I'm nothing but a bore and a selfish one at that. I ask questions wanting to know things then get left feeling like an idiot for asking. But I'm a hypocrite because I do the same. It sucks I know the cold hard truth is everything is my fault(well mostly). I'm still scared from my assault and it sucks because little to nobody cares about the event not even a peep from my own family people still think it's all my fault and I deserved it. Worried about new medication will I get more fucked than ever I don't want people to think I'm a lazy piece of shit like most do already. I'm trying quite hard I don't think anyone cares... to be honest I'm yet to see proof that anyone really gives a shit I just feel like a burden a duty that gets passed around in turns. I haven't stopped I collapse most nights into bed wake up have breakfast then head off to do something I need to get done. I'm complaining about life and I'm aware life is life maybe I just need to talk... I don't know. I guess I need to grow up I can be really immature. I'll cry, sleep and carry on in silence like I have increasingly for months in fear. To people who put up with this emotional train wreck I'm sorry I'll pack up my shit and get going. Now I'm just attacking my friends I'm a great guy :/......

Experiment of the Ear / TBA

I have so much to discuss but I feel the aspect of audio will spice up how to express myself plus it won't be boring though it may be abrasive and chop shopped at times I feel it's a different way to express myself... Stay tuned...

Waters Of Nazareth / Breakdown

Was assaulted in my own home, watched a friend get a abused by her family, moving in a few days, waiting for money. I can't sleep at home worried someone may break in and beat me up. So sleep is broken if I get in any... People convince me to start packing start moving stuff over open something see its a jacket of someone's that I have a thing for and burst into tears. If I tell people I'm scared I don't know if they'll understand...someone mentioned that someone snuck in early this morning as well puts me on edge.

Scared - Three Days Grace - Three Days Grace(Self-Titled)

Fear / Be Quiet And Drive

I sit in my room shaking in fear that someone staying in my house may kick the shit out of me I don't know what to do I've tried everything now I'm scared in my room.

Deconstruction / Good Teeth On A Bum

I'm a selfish, attention seeking whore... I feel like I can't talk to anyone and because of this I snap I've spent the last 5 hours staring at my wall. Maybe 30 minutes of sleep in there aswell. I'm responsible for myself and I'm just a waste of space all this is asking for attention I know... and I don't deserve a second. It's a great feeling when a professional psychologists mouth drops at stuff I say like literally had no idea... I cry...waiting for an answer that I know I have to reach. I'll just lay on bed staring into darkness. I don't know why I can't talk... I guess I don't feel comfortable and am scared people may accidentally hurt me without realizing it I don't know... I don't know much.

Burn It Down - Alter Bridge - One Day Remains

 

Digeridoo / Nanou 2

Today all I've felt is hate for myself and been left hated by some aswell. I feel alone, empty, tired, and insanely busy. I feel like I buy happiness and I always have with music, events or food. As I need to fill that void of being alone. I look at myself in the mirror(want to punch the mirror) then I go to bed. Only thing good about today is that I danced the night away....

ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][Σj∈C{i}Fji[n − 1] + Fexti[[n−1]] - Aphex Twin - Windowlicker EP

 

Dont even....

I just want a hug.... I....

Life Burns! / Colony Collapse

Today I was shit from get go, I sleep in miss classes tear up at least 8 times today before anything even went down... now I'm balling my eyes out in the dark alone... can't even shower tomorrow it looks like.... Can't even stand up for myself I'm fucking pathetic or stick up for those who stick up for me... FUCK these tears and heavy breathing. Probably fail uni again. Looks like mum's partner has left her as well. I have no money and need it. I hate being a mess. I hate that I starve myself. I am an ugly fuck who can't enjoy a life that really has no problems. Can life give me a break. Head throbbing. Someone I love tries to contact me and i can't respond. Because I don't know... I have no idea why some waste their time on me. Dizzy... may just pass out like last night... Can't even type everything's a blur. I have to push on though I have so much to do. So dizzy, eyes crying with tears.

Of Mice & Little Green Men / Cromartie

I feel blank staring into space sending texts organizing centrelink stuff with my parents. I know my problems all a double edged sword that I can't talk about its too personal and awkward sending me in circles. I'm excited about future prospects and know they will be stressful times the next few weeks... Uni starts back up will be strange. I try not to talk to others as they have their own problems and mine aren't real problems...crying is down I will admit I'm crying as I write this. the stuff I get sad over are stupid but it doesn't stop me getting caught up.

Hymn Of A Broken Man - Times Of Grace - The Hymn Of A Broken Man

Ziltoid The Omniscient / Cooling

.......Fuck talking... sleep now I could discuss things but collapse now while humming this in my sleep :)

Supercrush! - The Devin Townsend Project - Addicted

Chop Phuey / Crutch Field Tongs

Today was eh apart from The Dillinger Escape Plan being OMG best thing ever I've seen live up there with Slipknot so much energy. Oh and hanging with my bro was fun. But does anyone else just stare into space waiting for time to pass I do most days. At night I cry like tonight I walk into my room tired from the night driving and concert and such close the door and start crying then pull myself together and just float around on the net just staring at the screen not paying attention better than staring at a wall. I feel inadequate like nothing I do is good enough I'm dizzy but can't pass out or sleep its a great feel.

Panasonic Youth - The Dillinger Escape Plan - Miss Machine

 

Sometimes I Feel Like / World Won't Stop

Why am I alone I know I've been told before what my issues are and putting this up doesn't help me play the victim any less. Why do others with bigger problems such as cheaters who do it over and over get away with things, people who are crazy, or vindictive, or whatever. While me willing to give a girl the world, have fun, and be supportive gets nothing... I once asked a honest friend if they didn't know me walked into a party/club and saw me would you give me a chance or look the other way in all honesty they said no I would not give you a chance. I can't lie it hurts to know that looks make up for so much. Tonight I was tense and couldn't move with tears just sitting in my eyes ready at the slightest dig at me to just burst into tears I'll even admit to going to my room to let out some tears I'm pathetic I write this now with tears in my eyes. I worry and think I'm boring. I wish I had stories to tell but I don't all I have is other peoples stories to tell. Am I wasting my life?...everyone I've ever known has something to tell I can't think of a thing. I can tell of stories of friends betraying me over the years I have a lot of those all I do is give my all to a friendship I thought once I left school primary and secondary it would just end but I guess that's me being blind and naive. Today a friend tried to talk to me but I don't know I don't want to rely on her or bring down her great mood that's not fair. Again sex is an issue its hard to describe to those who aren't in my position I know some people who I won't name because they like to play up that they aren't virgins which is fine that's their choice I go the honest way which at times is literally a kick in the knee. The best way to describe it is that in this world I feel like there's a secret club that everyone knows and talks about openly and I'm not allowed to join. I'm fucking stupid. People read this for comedy I'm a joke. I should just stay in my room I just drag others down annoy them with my anxiety and push it on others that's all this blog does as well. All I do is ramble on. I cry for hours.. straighten face for others... look at myself in the mirror just want to smash my reflection.

21st Century (Digital Boy) - Bad Religion - Stranger Than Fiction